cock

I want to suck a cock, right now.  It is all I can think about.  I also want many other things, but the thing I have at the front of my thoughts is taking my lips and wrapping them around a nice hard cock and just sucking until my belly is full of cum.

Alexia

So Much in my Head

It has been a bit since I posted.  I am not out of things to write, but have too much on my mind somehow.  I have such horny and wicked fantasies that have been in my mind.  One that just was hot and wonderful at the same time.  I have wondered whether to share what happened as I daydreamed this one to a conclusion of sorts.  I began seeing myself as the similar Justine Joli looking woman.  I was not fully female, but a transsexual version of where I dream of being.  I am at a resort and walk to the pool.  I am in a white bikini and very self conscious because I hope no one can tell I am carrying extra in my bikini bottoms.  After enjoying the sun and fresh air for a bit I see this couple walking towards me.  He is a tall and very athletic looking black man with just dark trunks on.  Bald with the chest of a statue.  His companion is a very gorgeous and tall woman, white with dark straight black hair.  She has a nice sundress that flows over her sexy body like water.  They walk up to me and he looks at me in a way that gets my tummy fluttering and the rest of me tingling in all the right places.  She leans down and whispers, "We know sister."  He takes my hand and I am lead to their room.

Now in real life I am getting so turned on.  My hand has slipped to my boy clit which is not getting hard, it is staying withdrawn and inside the little hole that I have down there to rub.  I am really getting turned on and just revel in the feelings.

When they get my to their room he strips me and I can smell his body.  I am dizzy and wanting to do whatever he wants.  I don't even think about the fact that my body is not fully female.  He drops the trunks and I see his massive erection.  I bend over at the waist and begin sucking that cock, savoring the taste.  I am in heaven as I feel something being smeared on my asshole.  Soon I feel a cock slide in me.  My mind doesn't even really register that it is her behind me.  It is not a strap on that is fucking me.  I am being overwhelmed.  He guides us to the bed and before I realize what or how, his cock is sliding into the small tight hole where my boy clit is.  Somehow he fits and is fucking me like a real woman.  I feel his shaft against my boy clit and her cock inside my ass.  I am just panting and whimpering at the movement.....

I climax and from around my fingers my cum seeps out.  I am breathing hard and I realize I never had an erection.  I was overcome with emotion.  Between the orgasm and the knowing I had kinda been like a girl at that moment I was just overwhelmed.

Then a sadness came.  It was just in my mind.  No couple that would make me theirs.  No intimacy.  I was alone in my life again.

Alexia

Babbling

My thoughts have been of becoming a transsexual and living my life as a girl but having not transitioned.  I guess listening to Bailey Jay Radio has just allowed me to realize just how much that would mean if I were able to do that much.  I know it is not something I can do....at least where I am right now.  I like the work I do and am at peace there, but I am in a profession where I would be treated as a monster and a harm to those I work with which would just kill me.  It hurts though to realize that so much of me is what the world at large would see as abnormal.  

I do know as Bailey talked about wanting to suck cocks is something I want.  I just have the added desire to lick some real pussies as well.  It would be nice to be able to let my natural personality traits become stronger and female.  I would love to be dressed up and treated as a lady and have my companion hold my hand and us eat a nice dinner and enjoy some entertainment before going home and my total devotion to them being displayed.  I have a feeling right now of wanting to cry.  I want to know what this is like.  To be intimate on these levels.  I feel so trapped sometimes because I have to live up to a male standard that stinks.  I think that one thing wonderful about women is how they can be strong and be vulnerable as well.  I know this is being said in an idealized fashion.  The laws and equality is a long way from where they should be for women.  I just wish I could be released from this prison of a body.

I am sorry.  When I began I did not mean to delve into a pity post.  I feel that is all I write anymore.  Many of you know what I feel and I hate causing you to think about those thoughts.  Sometimes I wish the hypnosis files I had just took me somewhere in my fantasies where I was living as who I see inside.  I could buy pretty underwear and have an easier time shaving.  Maybe I could do better with weight issues.  Depression eating sucks.  I am so moody right now.  Sorry.

I wish I had someone to play with me tonight.  I need to just escape.

Alexia

B J Radio

Bailey Jay Radio

 Not blow job sillies, Bailey Jay Radio.  She is so cute and I am so jealous of her.  She has a free iTunes podcast.  She is very passable and has the sweetest voice in the world.  Google her and see her with red hair and blond hair.  Here I put some cool pics of the adorable Bailey Jay.  The stuff she talks about is all over the place.  Her thoughts on stuff tickles me because she proves how smart she is by her snarky and very cool answers.  There is an Ask Bailey Jay segment.  It shows how weird some of the fans can be and how much some of us like me can obsess over cool gals like her.

I am here.

I am unsure how I am doing.  I did want to post.  It has been so long and I figure that maybe some people might be worried.  I do want to say that the comments do help.  Sometimes just reading the kind words helps push the darkness back a bit at times.  What I have been doing is reading Paranormal Romance.  I found an Anthology at Goodwill.  So I have been lost in fantasy at times.  I lay in the bed and sorta sleep.  I put the mask of normalcy on and do some work.  I imagine being my true self.  I feel so worthless sometimes it hurts.

As I said I am not sure how I feel or how I am doing.  I am just here at times.  Eating is a problem.  Sometimes I skip a meal and sometimes I just go into depression eating.  Living at home is bad because the parental unit always seems to have something that ends up being eaten by me.  It is easier living alone and not having anything that can be eaten quickly.

A friend from the Haven has taken to being something I desperately crave, my owner.  At times I am just a pet and at times they make me feel loved.  It is hard to explain how much it helps when I am able to let go and just be submissive.  I just wanted to check in.

Alexia Rose

Existing

I am trying to keep moving forward.  I am irritable and very moody.  That makes me wonder if the generic depression medicine is working.  I only take a half tablet a day, wonder if a whole might help?  I give in to sleep when I can.  I think less about the bad thoughts.  It limits my productivity.  I am having trouble being patient with the parental unit.  They are irritable and take it out on me which sets me off and it begins a spiral for me they do not understand.  The only good thing is not having a job that is bearing down on me.  I am just kind of existing I guess.  I am depressed most of the time.  I put on the "happy" mask and go outside and play the part of OK person.  It just tires me out feeling and being like this.  I need to go.  Tomorrow is on of the days I have to muster energy and be out in the world a bit. 


Alexia Rose

Parts of the whole

Sometimes I feel so fractured in mind and spirit.  I endure a constant battle inside me that I am so tired of fighting.  I am parts of a whole and each one seems to want control.  The worst is the part that is this darkness.  It whispers in my ear how worthless I am and that I am a waste of space.  Being alone in life makes these words seem real and they hurt.  Then life around me has things that confirm and support the Dark Part.  I wonder what would have happened if the giving part of me had never become relevant.  Without the small times where some kindness I did was acknowledged and given form through words and deeds by those around me.  Without these small lifelines to my almost non-existent self-esteem, where would I be.  I know the darkness wanted me to be mean and hateful to others.  I would have been good at it.  The years of being picked on or treated like dirt by others can fuel some powerful negative energy.  What if I had not made that decision in high school to use the art of manipulation I seemed to have had for positive results and not negative?  I probably would be rich and have conned many people, destroying others along the way.  I see how those that advance fast have done so on the backs of those around them.  Manipulation is not hard.  It is a powerful tool when used just right.  Yet here I sit, alone and secure that I have tried to live a life where I would be good to others.  Even when evil was done to me I fought against totally giving in and becoming like those out to destroy me.  I can't say I did everything right, but I tried.  Now I just see that when you try and be good you get this, a life if being apart.  The parts of who I am are tired.  Tired of struggling.  Tired of never being the one held while things fall apart.  Tired of being me.  

Alexia

I'm Down

I am dragging myself down.  I get up and push through the fog to be the boy for a bit, then a crash comes.  I had an interesting thought today.  I think the next step the doc wants to take in the diabetes I will just decline.  I am getting to the point where I accept I will die a virgin and never have anyone special in my life.  I can just exist a bit and do what good I can and just live out my fate.  I give up I guess.  The thing is that this makes so much sense.  Just live out what the genetics have done.  I think this is for the best.  I am going to ponder this out some more.  Maybe I can get over some of the darkness knowing I can at least have an end in sight.  

I look around and see so much that just is a waste.  That is my life.  I have little money and make little money.  I spend money on people in my work.  I spend so much money on medicine and my insurance goes up ten more bucks.  I just don't know why I ever believed that there was someone from everyone.  There isn't.  Most people just find someone and get lucky.  There are people like me that never find love and it is suppose to shorten your life.  I can see that, you have so much inside that just destroys you.  I just wish I could not feel so down.  I just wish I could rest.  

I can't even cry.  I always have had a problem crying.  It hurts when you can't cry.  

I don't know.

Alexia

Down and Out

The last post was very much just the pent up feelings exploding.  I had been feeling left out for some time, even before I became more active in my life off-line.  As people moved on and dynamics changed I just didn't feel a part anymore.  I stayed quiet and just did what I needed to try and become healthy and tried to keep in touch, but somewhere I was left behind I guess.  Whether it was just not having private messages returned or emails, I started feeling like maybe I was not wanted.  I tried to push this out as the depression talking.  It is a symptom I have I guess, my self-esteem is pretty much zero.  The thing is that now I get it.  I am not a part anymore.  I am just someone that is around sometimes.  Someone I guess that is tolerated and that is all.  I know this sounds petty and small, but I can't help it.  This and things in life outside of the cyber-world have just piled on.  So I have to assess where I am and just do what I always do.  Be alone and forever on the outside looking in.

Face The Truth I guess

I had come to a conclusion.  People only care when you are crazy.  Once you start to try and live better and not focus on all the dark thoughts and bad things around you you just are forgotten.  That is the way I feel right now.  I am hurt and I know I really have no right to be.  I have been worrying for a good while now about _______.  I tried being patient and cool about things and not get out of my head about it, although in my heart I knew what was probably happening.  I thought I did something good by just asking someone about it.  No reply.  I finally do something in the hopes of calming my fears and get an answer.  Thing is, it just puts me in a bad frame of mind.  

I now feel guilty about being upset I was left out of the loop, but I still feel hurt.  I just guess I have to accept I might still care, but they have moved on.  With that the group of contacts has as well.  Now it is just another bad set of thoughts in an already full head of bad thoughts.  Guess I really am just a friendless loser who never will amount to anything.

I Wonder About This Sometimes.........

As I near another B-Day I still wonder if I will ever be in a flesh and blood relationship?  Today my confusion crossed my mind again.  I was working in this temp job that calls me in when needed.  You have to get there a bit early so there is time to talk with the people you work with before the job begins.  Today I was chatting and stuff with the new person that started a few months ago.  She was telling me about her weekend and pulling up something on her new phone.  As she stood by me while I was sitting, I suddenly felt the closeness of the space and my mind wandered.  There is not anything really there, this just sort of popped in my head.  I wondered if there was a possibility?  I wondered if she could ever see anything in me?  I am older than her.  She is probably seeing someone i am sure.  She is cute and has geek tendencies.  But as I had these fast thoughts the other question presented itself.  Can I ever be true to someone and not deny my feelings of who I really am inside?  Thoughts of never finding someone was tough enough without this layer added.  I really do not have to worry I guess.  You have to find someone first right?  I am so socially inept that I will never be anything but single.  So I near the next year and I know I will be alone for the rest of my days.  *sigh*

She is a nice gal though.  

Alexia

Fantasy Desire

 

I have been circling around two types of fantasies lately.  I am not sure why I am becoming fixated on these.  I just know I get very wet and my body tingles when I watch videos or imagine these types of acts and my being involved.  One is a desire to be taken by a strong and muscular black man.  I even have his body type imagined.  He is of a deep dark complexion.  Broad shoulders and muscles that are cut and defined.  Bald headed and really no body hair, just smooth and strong.  My white skin is so ghostly when he holds me.  He has a massive cock and I want to just swallow it whole and let him fuck my mouth.  I just feel like he is my world.  I want to please him.  I just get really hot and aroused, like right now just thinking about him.

The other I am a transsexual.  I still have a small penis but I have been castrated.  I am really feminine in appearance and my body has taken to the hormones and surgery well.  I am being used by a couple.  I believe I am there pet.  Each uses me in different ways and I live a life that is cool.  I get to wear all the sexy outfits I daydream about.  It is just a nice life and I am loved.

I am loved in both and life is just about pleasing those I love.  I wish life could be that.  I wish those I love could be cared for by me in that way.  I have a few people in mind that I wish I could be with like that.  I dream of being completely Alexia and standing before them so I can hug them and really let them know I care about them.

Alexia 

Tired

Where to begin?  I am really just trying to endure the changes I am going through.  My medicine and the depressive thoughts I have keep me feeling tired.  I let that hold me back some I guess.  I seem to be on a cycle of ups and downs.  I am at a good place in job setting.  Need more money to live.  I need to be out of the parental home.  Living in one room is killing me.  I need to handle my desires better.  I need to reconnect with the people online I care about.

So many needs.  I am horny all the time.  I wish I could feel something with another soul.  I am so lonely at times it hurts.  I know that if I could just become a woman I would be bisexual.  Not sure what that would mean if I cannot escape the boy bod.  I do know that I could be happy as a transsexual.  I see some of the girls on the Net and they are so pretty.  I am less endowed than they are and I just wonder sometimes if I could become beautiful like them?

So basically I am a slacker right now.  I am just existing.  I hope to be out of this whatever it is and posting.  I have no caption drive at all.  It is just a sluggish feeling.

Alexia

Busy

Just a note to say I am OK, well as Ok as I ever am.

Alexia

Busy

Just a note to say I am OK, well as Ok as I ever am.

Alexia

Hey Sweeties!

I am slowly adjusting to the no carbs and nothing that I love to eat diet.  Craving Italian so much right now.  I think the depression med has evened out a bit.  Not quite as drained, still have hard time resting.  I want to apologize to my Sweet Boy.  We were being silly and playing out a nice first time girl to girl role play and I had to go.  I am so sorry to have done that.  The running to the potty is difficult and our time zones were in the way.  *sigh*  I wish I could curl up at the foot of your bed and be your pet so much.

My Bren, feel better Pretty Star.  You are the strongest gal I know.  You would love the moon here tonight.  It is hanging low and has that orange tinge to it.  Feel better.  *kiss* I Love You.

Jilly, I have been so separated from you.  I hope you are OK.  I say a prayer for you every night.  You are such a creative soul.  I wish you would write a book of stories.  You could do it.  You have the ability.  I see it every time I read something you make.

I am redecorating my hovel.  Just really wanted to check in and let all of you know I am still around, just very busy trying to live the boy's life and take care of my charges in that life.  Plus I just feel so tired at times.  I hope to be more active soon.

Alexia Rose

New Dream

I have been dreaming about my first ever love.  I see here and me as I truly am floating in this place of just cloudy color, like mixing all the colors and that is the background.  Her hair is flowing out from her in a beautiful way.  I see her and just fill happy and love.  She is perfect and I just look at her.  Her body is wonderfully gorgeous and I know that I would do anything to make her happy.  I feel so good just holding her hands and floating.  I feel her pulling me towards her and that is when I see she is wearing a large black harness and strap-on.  She pulls me nearer and soon the dildo is piercing my lips and I am being filled.  I orgasm immediately and without stop.  She slowly makes love to me and then as I am still filled, hugs me to her and strokes my hair. 

Health Struggles

I have been dealing with the diabetes and changing medicines.  The new generic depression med is sapping energy and the lose of a pill to control sugar has been causing adjustments.  Bad new about the stages I am in, genetics are against me.  Just wanted to check in and let you know what was what.

Alexia

Breast Size

I know some gals want to have big breast, but I am OK with modest sized breast.  Maybe it is because I have always struggled with weight, but I just want to not switch heavy flesh in the midsection for heavy flesh up top.

I like that my avee gal is modest to average in her pics.  I think somewhere down the line she may have had some work done, but I am not good at that.  I like her here.  The way her breast are part of her lean and long curves.  She has a dancer's body to me.  I would like that, to be flexible and to move gracefully.

I guess I am just a silly dreamer anyway.

Alexia

I Would If I Could

I would love to do this for you.  Place my lips above this huge cock and let the wetness increase as I tease you with what will happen.  I watch you play with yourself, slowly anticipating my sliding down and taking this plastic monster inside me.  I know you want me to do it.  I want to do it.  I would do it even if you were not here, but it is more fun to share.  I play with my outer lips and slowly let them relax back over the head, spread just a bit each time.  I love the look on your face as I slowly open myself to the feelings of becoming welcoming to my toy.

As I am open, I slowly slide down and engulf the dildo and feel a fullness.  My clit tingles as it is pressed tight against the massive cock.  I squeeze and a moan escapes my mouth.  I see you close your eyes and bite your lip.  I slide back up and then go down once more.  I am spread wide and the dildo glistens with my nectar.  I am riding with a steady pace now and you are oh so close to blessed release.  I am cresting on wave after wave of endorphins as I am enjoying turning you on.

Soon it is more than I can stand.  I feel an explosion on my final downward thrust and scream out my climax.  I shudder as I feel my muscles spasm.  Cum is spurting from me and pooling around the base of my faux lover.  As I regain my senses I smile at the squirted trail from you.  I beckon you to come to me and you help me up.  I remove my toy and take you in my arms.  We cuddle and kiss for a long time, enjoying each other before falling asleep in embraced by our arms and legs.

*KISSES*

================================

I hope that my writing was able to allow you to feel like a boy or a girl as you watched.

Love Alexia!

We are Not Alone

I have been reading my comments to the previous post.  I want to continue with my own feelings and just say that it seems we all suffer in our own ways, but it is nice to have the Internet.  I would have never accepted the truth I knew inside and would not understand some of the whys as to how I am.

Alone gave me the push to continue the inner feelings I have.  It was the talk about hurt.  I would use the word ache for myself.  Their are days I ache to really experience things as the me I want to be.  I am lucky in a way.  The woman I talk about falling in love with here a great deal, she is my friend, who I do love immensely.  She has always answered any question I have asked, no matter how silly it might sound.  She tells me when I am off base about things and graphically explains other things.  I am lucky that I can ask her these things.  It gives me comfort.

Still, I ache to know what it would be like to wear a dress like in this picture.  I dream of breast that are formed well and skin that is smooth with a less coarse hair.  I want to lie out in a bikini in the sun.  Double ended dildos are fascinating to me and I would love to share that experience with someone.  I want to be held in someones arms with the knowledge that I am their girl.  I ache to slide my hand inside my own vagina and feel a real clitoris.  I want to wear a skirt and cute knee socks.  I ache to dance at a strip club.  I know in reality it is not glamorous, but I would like to experience it.

I get the feelings of incompleteness.  I believe it is why I  and so many others of our community deal with depression.  We have these pent up feelings and they go unresolved and manifest in less than positive ways.  It is one reason I believe some day I will be in a place to help those like me, openly.

On a positive note, I messaged someone the other day who is a wonderful young lady.  She transitioned some time ago and is a stunning woman.  I had not spoken to her and just dropped a IM through the Haven.  The reply was "In Milan with the wife...."  It makes me happy to know some of us can live as we are inside and out.  Life does not have to be this dark hole we sometimes feel we are in.

I hope in some way at least my Blog can help be a part of the connectedness we have grown on the Internet.  I appreciate all of you who read the Blog and those that comment as well.  We are all in this together.  We are not alone.

*BIG HUG*

Alexia

Non Op Transgender

When going over my Blog Comments from past posts as I do, I found that an Anonymous commenter asked if I was Transgendered.  I consider myself so yes.  In the days of searching the Internet I have come to call myself a Non Op Transgender Girl.  What this means is that I like many feel like a woman and have many emotions that inside are female.  We would like to transition, but for any number of reasons do not.  It might be age, family, job, or many other considerations.  I often figure true TGirls feel we are fakes, but many I know online are understanding.  It does seem a contradiction.  I am comfortable with that term for now.  So yes I consider myself Transgendered.

With that comes the serious discussion of sexuality and the balance between fetishism and just expression.  I did wonder if it was just some fetish at first, by I know for me the sexual stuff I do online is the only outlet I have for sex.  I am very much deciding that it may be the only form of intimacy I will ever know.  Sad as that is.  Still, I can explore thoughts and feelings in cyberspace I cannot in the rural area I live.  I have felt a different drive lately in that as well.  Not ready to explore that here though.

I am figuring out what it means to be the true me, and that is behind a curtain of secrecy.  People do not understand.  They put us in the wrong ideal of who a person should be.  I work with kids in my profession.  So right there you can see why I am hidden.  It matters not the good I do or the fact the my female qualities are what make me good at my job.  If people knew I would never be able to work again.  I would be labeled as a threat to children, and that would hurt most of all.  I would give my life protecting the kids in my care.  I have probably said too much.

My mind is shutting down so I will just stop writing......

Alexia

Crossdreamers Interview

Crossdreamers has a great interview;

Autogynephilia, Bisexuality and Mr. Opportunity - the Alice Novic Interview, Part 1

Go give it a read.  I need to add Crossdreamers to my Blogs I follow as well.

Alexia

Buying Panties

This is getting easier.  I just placed the briefs in the basket and went up and boppity bing it was a breeze.  I am wondering just when to try them out.  I need to do another hair removal.  The first hint of stubble is returning and I do know new panties feel best on hairless skin.  I like the colors too.  Understated so as to be a bit blendable.  

I still have not gotten bras.  My chest is just not formed right to have them feel right.  I am still wanting to purchase a dildo.  I have been having trouble with medicine cost and bills, so no nick hard cock for me yet.  I will keep working toward that goal.  

I have been dealing with depression.  I feel it and know it, but can't seem to shake it.

Alexia

Smooth

I

I accomplished a good hair removal today.  It really was a nice removal.  I almost could reach part of my back.  I have used a new Veet can that comes with a razorless looking razor.  It really works well.  I have used it with other removal creams.  I would suggest getting a neutralizing agent.  I found a wash at Dollar Tree of all places.  This gel-like substance froths up on contact with the residue of the removal cream.  It washes right off.  I wish I could sleep in my slip tonight.  My body really feels sexy to me.

Toodles!

Alexia

Comments on my Last Post; LOVE

W

 Wow.  That may be a record for substantial comments on one post.  I want to say that I think Toni & Venatus are both right.  How can I say that, well, they have different opinions, but each has truth contained in them.  I think that they are really close to finding common ground in their posting as well.


I want to say that I feel like such a failure sometimes Toni, hiding here and being so secret IRL.  I am at a place where I would be destroyed if people knew how I felt about myself.  Plus my profession would be over.  I have thought about the path of transitioning and see that I would be left without anything to support myself.  My Undergrad degree would hold, but my Masters would never be allowed to transfer.  I thought about it, I will not say never, but it will be far off if ever.


What I do hope is that I am brave enough if the day comes, that I can stand up for and be there for any of the TG community in my capacity as a (_______).  I would hope I could be a person to offer compassion and understand as a stealth T-Girl and enable that person to survive.  I see that as a possible reason for my being who I am.  I am in place for those that are braver than I maybe.  Still there is much I want to write so that maybe we can help each other understand why so of us are so inward and shy.


Thank you both for the passion and the love you show the community be caring enough to comment on my little Blog.  You both have deep concern and love for others through the words you spoke and the civility you spoke them.


Alexia

Love

I

I wonder sometimes about whether online connections of love can be enough?  I know as I near 40 that it is very possible that online maybe where I can find intimacy.  It is the only place so far where that has occurred.  Can I be happy like that?  I know I will never be with the woman that I fell in love with and lost.  She remains a friend, but I accept that I can never be what I wish I could be for her.  I know she did have some kind of love for me, just not sure what kind.


She would tell me to get out there and find someone, but I tried that off and on and it has never worked.  Whether my shyness IRL that cripples me or the deep down realization that I feel more like a female, I just never have relationships IRL that goes deep.  I wonder now if I could be "the guy" even if I found someone because in accepting the female part of me I long more to experience that in myself.  I know that is confusing, but inside I respond so much as who I am feeling as my real self I just wonder if I can have a relationship and still be true.


Last night, well, last night was wonderful.  The other person who can make me feel so much deep emotion let me be with him.  I asked that we just be together and set the background as a cabana on a tropical beach with a roaring fire.  He makes me experience things inside I just have really only felt with one other, the woman I mentioned.  I was so emotional when we had finished I know he had to have thought me silly.  He can never really know just how much his loving me means to me.  


It all happens over IM.  So it is in our imaginations.  I know it lacks true affection and touch, but it is all I have ever had.  I am still very much a virgin IRL.  I have never been kissed.  I have never cuddled close with someone.  But online I have.  I have felt love.  Can that be enough?  


Alexia

YES MASTER

PRETTY IN PINK

I know I have been placing many of my oldest captions on here, but it is just something I need to do right now.  I am torn between the real world and my life on-line.  So I have to devote time to what makes life happen.  I hope you enjoy this one.  It was in my "play with the tools" phase.

Alexia

HOLY CRAP

Here is another older cap that I did early on at Rachel's Haven.  I loved the expression on the model's face and the story kind of just came to me after that picture was found.

Alexia

WHISKEY

I don't think that I have ever placed this one on the Blog.  I loved the pictures I found with both genders in similar poses.  It is a bit different and I was coming off watching my second season DVD's of Secret Life of a Call Girl.

Alexia

Sorry Sweeties!

I am sorry to have taken more time than I expected before posting.  I had a good trip and have been busy since.  I am working on thoughts in my head, but have some other things cooking as well.  I will post some stuff for you that is old but unseen on here as of yet.

Kisses,
Alexia

Travelling

I will be gone for work this week on a trip.  Be back soon.  If I can get the email post to work, and some privacy I might write a bit.

Alexia

Worn Out

I over did it last week.  My work really did have a hot time and it was rewarding, but my body wore out I think.  Sometimes in my profession eating takes a backseat and unhealthy turn.  I think my sugar ran up three major times.  I also was trying to take care of my garden and pick blackberries in this terrible heat.  Add a family event and travel that was me driving a great deal and my body is sore.  Why can't it ever be because I was making love for three days that I am this sore?  *sigh*

I also had some depression problems and am dealing with that irrational mindset as well.  I hate feeling depressed.  I wish I could make it go away.  When it happens my innate loneliness comes out more as well I think.  I seem to have probably upset some people that follow the Blog.  I am sorry for that, I sometimes forget that people do care for me in some ways.  

I think sometimes part of me wants to be loved so much that I just can't handle it.  I walk through a store and see I pretty girl and after the thoughts of how attractive she is I seem to run through all the reasons I would not be considered attractive to her.  Then I wonder what it would be like if I were the girl outside I feel like inside.  I just feel so unloved sometimes.  I just want to be held and have someone whisper that they love me in my ear.  

I also have been missing Bren a bunch.  I don't get to chat with her and emails are just fleeting.  I still care a great deal for her and just miss being in contact.  I know I really act dumb when I talk to her because I am just scared i will say something that will make her not like me.  I can't say more, I might say something that is private and that would be wrong.

I do just look at the future and see a time when I am just alone.  It is where this idea of dying alone comes from.  I have never been kissed in real life.  Never had intimacy of any kind with someone.  It hurts to feel that way.  It hurts to think I will never know love like that in any way.  So as my body aches and my sugar and blood pressure work to return to normal, I stick to a sense of duty to do my job and to live life.  A life where I am in the wrong body, but really can do nothing about it.  A life where maybe at least one day I will be in a place where I can help those with the insides like me that are transitioning and I can have the courage to stand up for them even though my profession is full of the bigots and hypocrites that would seek to harm my peers.

Alexia

The Ups and Downs of Life

Today I feel like crap in so many ways.  I am in the busy days of summer.  My job is one where expectations for summer has me trying to do things to ensure the ones I serve have opportunities to enjoy and grow as their journey progresses.  I had my fun vacation and weathered the depressive impulses that come with losing my Mom.  I still ache after almost a decade without her.  I thought I had made it past all the milestones that mark those remembrances, but I am struggling with depression.  I feel it, at the edges of my being.  Tendrils of darkness that lick and thrust at me.

It has me in that constant attack feeling that makes me feel exhausted and irritable.  It is now that I can't deal with my Dad.  I know intellectually he is not doing things on purpose, but he just constantly brings up feelings of my own worthlessness.  I am walking in moments where I am being praised, yet inside I feel so worthless.  I know he thinks my job is not work.  This disrespect hurts and there is no way to bring it up without him turning it into an attack on him and pushing the buttons that strike my temper to a point that makes me the bad person.

I am sorry, I just can't deal right now.  I want to just get in bed and sleep the day away, but I have things to do for my job.  People depending on my getting things done.  Things that involve busy work and head work.  I am dragging and yet, if someone was asked, they would say I am a good worker for my job, except the person I live with.

It is days like today I wish I could just melt away into a female form that is owned by someone.  My mind wiped blank and just thoughts of love for my owner and total obedience to them.  My body and mind devoted to pleasing them.  Feeling safe and loved the only thoughts in my pretty head.  I long to not be the one everyone looks to all the time for everything, just being with someone.  I am still lonely I guess.  Days like today make me feel like I am drowning in loneliness.  I wish I had someone to just be able to lean on.  I wish I had that person to be at ease with, the one who loves me in spite of my shortcomings.

I miss the person that I always knew loved me no matter what.  She helped me at least deal with the fact I will never be with anyone and that I will die alone.

*sigh*  I need to get to work on stuff.

Alexia

Boss Knows Best

This was from realfield and placed in my Trading Folder at Rachel's Haven.

Alexia

Responding to Comment Question

Talvenada said...

Alexia:

I'm usually very buzy with a baseball blog from Feb. thru Nov., and haven't been on any blogs very much.

You said you had female thought patterns in a post awhile back. I have the duality too, which is my main interest in trans blogs. For me it's a clean cut, and not an either or. In relationships, mating, dancing, clothing and language, I'm 90-95% like a woman. It's the same for the male things, like shopping, sports, mathematics and career. Those areas are 90-95% like a man.

I'd like to know how your thinking works, if it would be okay with you.

Thnx,

Tal

I have been thinking about this some of late and wanted to write a response before doing any new posts. Before that I want to mention that the anniversary of losing someone very close to me went by better because I was on a trip with a couple of friends and that made a huge difference. Now to ramble about myself some. I am realizing that I am "Alexia" for a big part of who I am. I have recognized that the qualities that are strongest are shared and that the guy is not present without the gal. In reality I think I am best described as being in the wrong form for where my innermost being resides.

I have read and skimmed different reasons attributed to why some of us feel this way. I believe I fall into a category that is related to the levels of hormones during some part of my development. To have this as a fact I would have to undergo medical tests that would be done upon request and expensive. Not only would I be publicly stating I am transgendered, I can't afford it right now. I do have a very underdeveloped penis and it fits with this type of development that has crossed wires when the body develops. Somewhere along the way my mind and body lost track of each other.

So far I am not a person that leers at guys while out, but I can appreciate the handsome guys or well defined bodies. Still, the female form attracts me the most. I do wonder, if some guy treated me with love, would I reciprocate? I am not sure. In cyberspace, where I can fully be myself, I would say I am bisexual. I have been daydreaming of blowjob giving and having my vagina pounded by a trusted man. See I know that I am kinda in love with the guy I call Sweet Boy. We are OK with it because I know there can never be anything, but he is someone I trust with my life. If I had my preferred form I would be begging him to accept me as his submissive pet.

There is a woman that I still have deep feelings for. She was and is my first ever love. Had nature and our own problems been different I wonder if we could be together and happy right now. She saved my life while her own health and life was not well. I would give my life for her. I also know that we will never be together. I am at peace with this I guess.

Now there is another like me online in the world of the Net. She is very much like me in so many ways. I know I have fallen for her, but again, our own transgendered natures keep it forever impossible. I wish though at times I could wrap my arms around her for real and let her know she is loved. She is misunderstood by many I think. Like me, she has so many walls and defenses that stand between us and the world.

I can say I wish I could be a parent. I want to have kids. You noticed I said parent. I am not sure whether I am a father or mother. I just want to be able to love someone and help them be the best they can be. I am not answering this am I?

I do have a growing need to remove body hair. I like the feel of my skin in the shower without the irritating hair. I do wear panties when I feel safe or am not doing activities where it might become uncomfortable. I want my own dildo to practice sucking cock and fantasize about doing that activity. I am dualistic in so many ways, but I think it is because I had a good environment to grow up in. I was able to express myself in creative ways so my own feelings stayed suppressed for a great many years. I always had dreams and fantasies of being changed into a woman. My first sexual fantasy was to imagine being turned into a statue and then kidnapped. Two women would resculpt my body and I would be a gorgeous woman when brought back to flesh and blood.

Did this make any sense?

Alexia

It Is Just That time of the Year

I know I kinda dropped off the Earth for a bit. I am in a weird place. I am working steady, if only part-time. I am happy in work which is good. I am trying to be in the real world more. I am in the period where depression creeps over me and saps my well being. I am horny all the time and just want to relieve the constant desire. I am also struggling to feel like myself, my true self. So I am a mess.

I have a constant desire to suck cock. Not sure why it is so overwhelming all of a sudden, but I just want to wrap my lips around a big thick cock and suck until my mouth is full of cum. It really has invaded all my fantasies right now. My clit is throbbing right now just thinking about it.

Depression sucks. It attacks silently and even without the active knowledge that it is upon you. I wonder why I seem to have a need to masturbate more when depression attacks. I guess that is better than the eating part of depression. I have that upon me as well. So I just wanted to apologize for being absent. I hope to get better soon. The big depressive anniversary is coming up and usually things get better afterwards.

Alexia

Rachel's Haven May 2010 Contest

This is shameless I know, but why have a Blog if you cannot use it to promote your Rachel's Haven Contest entries? So I have listed the five I did here and hope you will take the Links I am providing to go and vote in the split contest we had this month. The topics proved so popular that the category was split and now we also get eight votes to pick the winners. There is also a new feature to link the vote area directly to the cap listed. Very nice and the Haven gals have definitely been improving things mightily. So please enjoy and go see what the rest of the gals have done. Then vote, hopefully mine will be part of the picks you choose.

Alexia

LOLHaven Caps

Motivational TG Caps



BE FLEXIBLE


HAPPY MEAL



NEED MILKING?



SRU BRAND MILK


BIKINI BEACH LIFETIME PASSES