Life is just Blah.

Health issues all week.

Pain all week.

Just found out a job opportunity is now closed.

Life sucks.

Alexia

Numb

Today started with such promise.  I had the usual health pains and stuff, but I was functional.  All it took was being berated by the parental unit to spin into a state of high anxiety.  I was whirling and just spiraling.  My hands were shaking and I took a nerve pill.  I then just turned the lights out and placed the sleep apnea mask on and tried to go away.

I was mad.  I was depressed.  I was almost crying but that is painful in a mask.  I began fighting with myself in my head.  Then I just gave up and accepted that I am nothing and that is what I should be.  Some thoughts of just taking every pill I have and all the pills in the house floated through my head.  Then I figured I would screw that up and soon I was gone.  I know I dreamed, but I think they were disturbing.  I came to about two hours later.  I was in need of the bathroom and some water.  So I hydrated and just drifted back into the darkness.  This was my day and part of the night.

I just felt numb and still feel numb.  I would be better to all if I could just live in the world of my dreams.  I think about that a bunch.  I imagine my hand dissolving and the rest of my body following.  Just to cease to be at all.  I tried going to a place Mistress Kayla placed in my mind, but a storm was raging there.  I hate myself.  I hate myself so much.

Alexia