She Loves Me!

She loves me! Time to dance! She loves me! She loves me!

It all falls apart

I thought being in love was so good. Until I made a horrible mistake and hurt the woman I love. She deserved better of me. For better or worse the changes Ashna helped me make seemed to have merged my two personalities. There is no difference now. I am me. Sometimes my host and Sometimes me depending who is around. It will allow the life he lead to be maintained. But now there is just one being in this body.

That person is now in terrible pain. I even went into meltdown yesterday. How do you deal with these emotions? I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. Every cell just ached and hurt. I might have even hurt the woman I love more than I already had. In trying to talk all that came out was the pain I was in. The more I tried to get back the farther I seemed to fall. I missed being with her yesterday.

I wish I could have been the other person. The one who thinks up the romantic gesture to win their love back. Instead I turned into a crazy person overwhelmed by feelings. I wanted to just lay down and die. Curl up in a little ball and just be nothing. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to have pain be done to me as a way to stay forever paying for hurting her.

Our friends grabbed hold of me. They stopped the craziness I was doing.....but I still feel crazy and hurt. Love is too much for me. I don't think I can live in love, but I can't stop my feelings for her. One friend reminded my of the song "How Can I Live Without You." I have to figure out a way I guess.

I missed her so bad yesterday. The talks we had, the joking and teasing, the way she would just check in to say I Love You. Now I have nothing but a hole in my chest. It's dark and cold here. I can't even access my powers. I can't fly anymore. I feel so trapped by this pain. I feel so vulnerable. I am scared. I don't know what will happen now. She was a part of what was making life better. The sun is not as bright without her around.

I miss you Thumper.