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I am in a strange place right now. I am aware of more about who I really am inside, but it is a struggle living because I cannot live like I wish. Being a Non-Op Transgender individual is a place not unlike limbo. You know in your heart that somewhere in your developing body the wrong signals were sent and mind, spirit, and body were not matched correctly. I am in a very ugly male body, yet my spirit is truly of a woman. I am understanding why I am so good with kids and why I seem to have a more nurturing aspect to myself. I am not a male, I am a female. i know this is so unsciency and stuff, but I just need to ramble.
More and more I am realizing I am a bi-sexual female. The thing is that unless I could feel truly female in reality I know I could not do anything with a guy. In my mind and online where I am a girl, I am such a nympho. Imagining a hard cock sliding in and out is such a turn on. Seeing a cock in films and pictures that has that nice look and shape makes me want to kiss and lick and suck it. I also want to lick a woman and caress her. Added more recently I know that I really could fall for a transsexual. The idea of a woman, yet the image of her having a cock just makes my stomach have butterflies.
While I look and find women around me attractive, I fear i could never satisfy them. I have accepted myself so much as a female, I don't get erections when aroused like a guy would. Pre-cum wets my little hole that my *ugh* penis stays withdrawn into. I masturbate like a girl with that boy clit pushed inside and it is nice. But does it mean I will forever be a virgin in reality? If I can't ever insert it into something can I never be considered a virgin?
Sorry, train of thought went into uncharted territory there.
Alexia
I feel like I am a split personality at times. Really I think it is just feeling so wrong as a boy and how I play that part. Every fiber of my being feels like it is so much the woman I feel I am and yet I have to hide. I have been fantasizing more and more of being passable. I could handle my deformity between my legs better if I looked hot and sexy with all the curves I should have. I even dreamed and lost myself in the shower imagining a lover that accepted me and was making love to me.
Mistress has been so busy, but I am so grateful to her for letting me obey her. I am scared to truly let go unless I trust the person, but the fact is that I fall under and in a trance so easily. Even now I can feel myself being relaxed and wishing for myself to be ordered and shaped by someone else. I appreciate Mistress so much for taking any time she does to make me hers. She mentioned finding another to be my owner, but it is scary. I know there are those out there that would abuse that power and try and use my selfishly.
Sex is a part of my online desires I know. It comes from a lack of intimate connection IRL. I am the giver in so many of my relationships. I never receive in a truly loving way that can nourish my cravings to be used for another enjoyment. It is frustrating only being able to read or watch something to connect to my sexuality. I think that is a reason Mistress is so important to me. I think she understands that I am so desiring of sex that I am always close to becoming prey for someone.
Mistress does think it funny that I watch hypno vids. She says that I seem to be slutty and sissy enough. I just love getting lost in the images and imagining my self being used to bring so much joy. I know, I am strange. I live in a world where reality is an illusion. I just wish it were the world I dream of so much.
Alexia
