Lots Has Happened

I had another stay in the hospital in November. My tummy has problems and it was bad, I guess I almost died because of what I learned about how they were watching me as I was cleared to be released. I went through a whirlwind of a time having all I could be done while I was at a place where crappy health insurance had met a deductible. All roads lead to a future surgery. It will happen in over a month. I am bummed. I used so much sick leave I have about half of what I will need. I will be out without any income. Things are changing at work at about the same time.

I have become depressed in a way that I cannot shake. It is a hopelessness that ebbs and flows through me. I can fake it for a bit. I can laugh at something funny for a bit. I just can't stop going right back into a feeling a hopelessness. I also will not be able to start hormones. Had to delay because of surgeons advice. I am trying not to depression eat. HARD. my fingers are the next targets and I resist a little at biting them.

I have no imagination. I try to just stay in bed and not do anything. I am SO irritable I know I will cause a fight soon between me and Dad. I just feel so bad. I also have this pain stabbing my tummy that reminds me I am broken. I look in the mirror and I am reminded I am not who I should be.

Alexia