The Ups and Downs of Life

Today I feel like crap in so many ways.  I am in the busy days of summer.  My job is one where expectations for summer has me trying to do things to ensure the ones I serve have opportunities to enjoy and grow as their journey progresses.  I had my fun vacation and weathered the depressive impulses that come with losing my Mom.  I still ache after almost a decade without her.  I thought I had made it past all the milestones that mark those remembrances, but I am struggling with depression.  I feel it, at the edges of my being.  Tendrils of darkness that lick and thrust at me.

It has me in that constant attack feeling that makes me feel exhausted and irritable.  It is now that I can't deal with my Dad.  I know intellectually he is not doing things on purpose, but he just constantly brings up feelings of my own worthlessness.  I am walking in moments where I am being praised, yet inside I feel so worthless.  I know he thinks my job is not work.  This disrespect hurts and there is no way to bring it up without him turning it into an attack on him and pushing the buttons that strike my temper to a point that makes me the bad person.

I am sorry, I just can't deal right now.  I want to just get in bed and sleep the day away, but I have things to do for my job.  People depending on my getting things done.  Things that involve busy work and head work.  I am dragging and yet, if someone was asked, they would say I am a good worker for my job, except the person I live with.

It is days like today I wish I could just melt away into a female form that is owned by someone.  My mind wiped blank and just thoughts of love for my owner and total obedience to them.  My body and mind devoted to pleasing them.  Feeling safe and loved the only thoughts in my pretty head.  I long to not be the one everyone looks to all the time for everything, just being with someone.  I am still lonely I guess.  Days like today make me feel like I am drowning in loneliness.  I wish I had someone to just be able to lean on.  I wish I had that person to be at ease with, the one who loves me in spite of my shortcomings.

I miss the person that I always knew loved me no matter what.  She helped me at least deal with the fact I will never be with anyone and that I will die alone.

*sigh*  I need to get to work on stuff.

Alexia