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Existing
I am trying to keep moving forward. I am irritable and very moody. That makes me wonder if the generic depression medicine is working. I only take a half tablet a day, wonder if a whole might help? I give in to sleep when I can. I think less about the bad thoughts. It limits my productivity. I am having trouble being patient with the parental unit. They are irritable and take it out on me which sets me off and it begins a spiral for me they do not understand. The only good thing is not having a job that is bearing down on me. I am just kind of existing I guess. I am depressed most of the time. I put on the "happy" mask and go outside and play the part of OK person. It just tires me out feeling and being like this. I need to go. Tomorrow is on of the days I have to muster energy and be out in the world a bit.
Alexia Rose
2 comments:
I truly wish I could do something to take this away from you. I know first hand how hard it can be just to go on when you get in these spells, hang in there sweetie.
I'm just about coming out of a pretty deep depression, so I can totally empathise with how you feel. Whilst it's different for everyone it's also kind of the same.
I was afraid to stop just existing, because I didn't know if I'd be able to start again. The things I needed to change just seemed so huge that I couldn't even begin to see how to start. The lack of energy just spiraled down and down, until it I couldn't even make simple yes no decisions. I was scared to take medication because I didn't want to become my mother, who has been in and out of hospital throughout most of my life.
For me the turning point was the realisation that I just couldn't afford to be there any more and with that the knowledge that if I wanted to change things, I had to be totally selfish and put myself first. (and my shrink would still complain that I've phrased it like that).
The first steps were to get myself to a point where I could begin to process. Don't piss about with low dosages for a long time, it just doesn't work. Get a decent dosage, and take it for as long as is needed (typically 3-4 months after you think you don't need it any more). If the drug isn't working at a high dose, then find another.
If you can't sleep get some sleeping tablets. Ensure that you keep to a routine. Sleep, exercise and food are essential - I still have to watch them now. I'm not sure if I stop eating properly because I'm sliding back, or I slide back if I'm not eating right - but either way it's a warning sign that I need to take more care of myself.
Find things that give you pleasure - grow something, draw, write stories, do finger painting. Things may feel grey now, but they do come back into colour over time.
And don't doubt for a second. You are a fantastic, glorious person with a whole world of potential.
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