Life in a Haze

I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything.  It is a case of apathy I guess.  That and not doing anything on the computer but surrendering to fetish desires to be taken over and used as a toy.  Reading stories of transformation and lots of sex.  Feeling sorry for myself and sleeping sometimes when I could have been writing.  I wish I could fade away some much of the time  Just watch my body dissolve and become nothing.  Isn't that silly?  I did have a dark patch for a bit as well.  I would imagine going out into the woods and taking my shotgun and ending my life.  I would imagine this in a detached way, like it was more a movie instead of a wish.  Maybe the medicine works.

I have been imagining a different thing lately.  It is a handsome black man that is well defined and well endowed.  He takes me and makes love to me and the thoughts of his strong cock pushing in and out of the vagina I so wish I had makes me forget all else and just want to cry.

I am not OK.  I am lonely.  I am in a weird space in my head.  I feel lost.

Alexia