I wonder sometimes about whether online connections of love can be enough? I know as I near 40 that it is very possible that online maybe where I can find intimacy. It is the only place so far where that has occurred. Can I be happy like that? I know I will never be with the woman that I fell in love with and lost. She remains a friend, but I accept that I can never be what I wish I could be for her. I know she did have some kind of love for me, just not sure what kind.
She would tell me to get out there and find someone, but I tried that off and on and it has never worked. Whether my shyness IRL that cripples me or the deep down realization that I feel more like a female, I just never have relationships IRL that goes deep. I wonder now if I could be "the guy" even if I found someone because in accepting the female part of me I long more to experience that in myself. I know that is confusing, but inside I respond so much as who I am feeling as my real self I just wonder if I can have a relationship and still be true.
Last night, well, last night was wonderful. The other person who can make me feel so much deep emotion let me be with him. I asked that we just be together and set the background as a cabana on a tropical beach with a roaring fire. He makes me experience things inside I just have really only felt with one other, the woman I mentioned. I was so emotional when we had finished I know he had to have thought me silly. He can never really know just how much his loving me means to me.
It all happens over IM. So it is in our imaginations. I know it lacks true affection and touch, but it is all I have ever had. I am still very much a virgin IRL. I have never been kissed. I have never cuddled close with someone. But online I have. I have felt love. Can that be enough?
Alexia
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Everyone Derserves to Express Love.
Lady Alexia is a representational creation and the story of her life is just that purely the journal of a struggling Trans Gender. Any similarities to anyone living or dead is coincidental.
Text copyright © Lady Alexia Alexander 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020. Images are copyright © their respective owners. The use of images is to give visual aid to the representational story.
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The awesome woman in most of my Blog Posts is Justine Joli. I very much would love to resemble her. She is so beautiful and as you search clips and all of her, she is funny and adventurous. I wish I could be half the woman she is already. Just wanted to give props to this gorgeous woman. I hope if she ever sees my Blog she knows that it is meant as a compliment that I want to be like her.
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Lady Alexia is a representational creation and the story of her life is just that purely the journal of a struggling Trans Gender. Any similarities to anyone living or dead is coincidental.
Text copyright © Lady Alexia Alexander 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020. Images are copyright © their respective owners. The use of images is to give visual aid to the representational story.
7 comments:
I'm not sure how qualified I may be to answer this (my romantic experience being one short meaningless high school relations ship, a prom date, and one arguably meaningful online relationship) but yes, I believe that these meaningful relationships can from online. to this day my best friend and some one I literally owe my life to is someone I've never met face to face. and if that kind of relations ship can form online I see no reason why a romantic one can't. I'll admit some people cannot separate love and sex but others see very little cross over between the two. so an online relationship should only need two people who believe that love can exist without sex.
and on that note don't give up completely on a physical relations ship, a position like ours does make it difficult I'll admit, but if you had a partner that acknowledged your real gender and treated you as such (especially in private) how much trouble do you think the relationship would be for you, such people are rare, and most (not all) are also trans or genderqueer people, but they do exist, so if you feel you can't be truly intimate with somebody you can't physically cuddle with, don't take that to mean you should give up on love. I may not have directly chatted with you, but based on your blog I believe you have one of the most beautiful souls out there.
Online relationships do have value, but there is just more to a real life relationship. While I'm not transsexual, I am a trans-gendered individual and often sport a very androgynous appearance. I've found that people can be really accepting, if you give them a chance.
I think a large problem with the trans-gendered community, as a whole, is a gross lack of confidence. Rather than a bunch of outgoing cross-dressers or genderfucks, we present ourselves as people who play with themselves behind closed doors -- perverts.
What makes it even harder to deal with is that it's true, sometimes to a shocking degree. Until we become comfortable with ourselves in everyday society, though, we really can't expect anyone else to be comfortable with us either. Not everyone will accept us, but it's hard to ignore fun, interesting people, regardless of how they look or defy social norms.
I have a few problems with the last comment, first and for most the transgender community is not in any way at fault for being secretive when murder and body mutilations are common even for cross dressers. further more very few are open and comfortable in society, implying people who aren't are at fault sounds like the old wire tapping argument of saying what do you have to hide. and personally I believe no one is even completely open and knowing of themselves, our entire lives are journeys of self discovery, and there's nothing wrong with bringing in a partner.
I'll agree that it isn't easy. It does take discretion to find people with whom you can be open and there are definitely some environments where one should probably not be open. It seems to me, however, that one should be able to find a new environment that is supportive.
Now, I know that many people will immediately call me out for this as there are situations where it is better to just maintain the status quo; For someone with children, I can definitely understand that choice. With enough education, though, situations like that appear avoidable, i.e. people should be able to realize, at least with some guidance, that starting a family and hiding large portions of themselves from their significant other (or even just those close to them) is a conscious choice that has consequences later in life.
Ultimately, though, I wasn't trying to blame the transgender community for their current status. It sucks in many ways and it is not their fault. My original point was not to offend anyone, but rather to say that, we, as people, can do things the way we want, within reason, and still be respected by society (or at least the small part of it we interact with on a day-to-day basis) if only we make a conscious effort to do so.
Granted, not everyone is going to agree with my point of view, and I'm sure some people will consider me naive, but I live my life by a simple principle that has yet to fail me: if there is something in my life that I don't like, there is always something I can do to affect it. It isn't always easy and, often, there are significant barriers or costs, but, if it is something important to me, then the effort is worth it. And that's all I was trying to say in regards to the transgendered community.
I never stated one shouldn't be open about themselves with there spouse, I stated that it's impossible to completely know ones self, last time I believed I fully knew myself I shortly started coming upon the idea that I may be in the wrong body, so I think being confident in knowing every aspect of yourself may be more a sign of deeply routed denial. I also rejected your idea that a trans person shouldn't try to find a partner unless there being accepted and out in society as a whole, by my perspective no society on earth is that open yet so anyone in the TG community needs to make the choice for themselves of whether to be stealth or open, and being stealth doesn't' remove there right to try and find a partner
Maybe my argument wasn't clear enough. I never said anything about someone needing to be accepted and out in society to find a partner. I never condemned people who go stealth. I was merely presenting one route to address some of the issues with the TG community in society as a whole. And if someone can pass 99% of the time, then (I'm jealous and) they should live life like they want and to hell with anything that might disrupt that.
What I was saying, though, and the only point I was trying to make, was that if more people from the community were visible in a positive manner, the community would be more easily accepted. The relevancy here is that the same is true of any individual. As long as someone is confident in themselves, regardless of anything else, there will be people who respect and admire them.
Really, you could consider my original statement synecdoche. In that sense, I was saying just be comfortable with who you are and don't get caught up on your own issues. That lets the best parts of you shine, which is a sure way to improve your interactions with others. In the context of relationships, which are already hard, bringing in a lot of baggage only compounds the problem. The best way forward then is to just accept that you have issues and go about your business.
I think your original issue with my comment was partially a misunderstanding of my message and offense at the way it was presented. I used harsh language because it properly connotated that certain issues should be acknowledged and that they aren't exactly pretty. The TG Community definitely has things it can do to help its image in larger society. The more important issue, though, is that we hide behind our own insecurities and fail to initiate relationships out of a fear of failure and ridicule.
Notice, none of that mentioned full knowledge of oneself. That's a concept that I never brought up and that certainly isn't relevant to this discussion. Notice also, I said nothing about being accepted (by anyone other than yourself anyway) or being out. Those are both completely different topics. One should, though, be accepted by their significant other and that, at least, requires some sort of outing, however private. On that point, it sounds as if we agree.
is Alexia a trans person?
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