Worn Out

I over did it last week.  My work really did have a hot time and it was rewarding, but my body wore out I think.  Sometimes in my profession eating takes a backseat and unhealthy turn.  I think my sugar ran up three major times.  I also was trying to take care of my garden and pick blackberries in this terrible heat.  Add a family event and travel that was me driving a great deal and my body is sore.  Why can't it ever be because I was making love for three days that I am this sore?  *sigh*

I also had some depression problems and am dealing with that irrational mindset as well.  I hate feeling depressed.  I wish I could make it go away.  When it happens my innate loneliness comes out more as well I think.  I seem to have probably upset some people that follow the Blog.  I am sorry for that, I sometimes forget that people do care for me in some ways.  

I think sometimes part of me wants to be loved so much that I just can't handle it.  I walk through a store and see I pretty girl and after the thoughts of how attractive she is I seem to run through all the reasons I would not be considered attractive to her.  Then I wonder what it would be like if I were the girl outside I feel like inside.  I just feel so unloved sometimes.  I just want to be held and have someone whisper that they love me in my ear.  

I also have been missing Bren a bunch.  I don't get to chat with her and emails are just fleeting.  I still care a great deal for her and just miss being in contact.  I know I really act dumb when I talk to her because I am just scared i will say something that will make her not like me.  I can't say more, I might say something that is private and that would be wrong.

I do just look at the future and see a time when I am just alone.  It is where this idea of dying alone comes from.  I have never been kissed in real life.  Never had intimacy of any kind with someone.  It hurts to feel that way.  It hurts to think I will never know love like that in any way.  So as my body aches and my sugar and blood pressure work to return to normal, I stick to a sense of duty to do my job and to live life.  A life where I am in the wrong body, but really can do nothing about it.  A life where maybe at least one day I will be in a place where I can help those with the insides like me that are transitioning and I can have the courage to stand up for them even though my profession is full of the bigots and hypocrites that would seek to harm my peers.

Alexia