I am Still here

I am still here. I have been going through some things but I got some help. I will post soon I promise. Just know I am trying to be the best Alexia I can be.

Why does Love have to Hurt?

I started to write a rant on how Love doesn't exist. It's not true. It does exist. I fell in Love with an amazing woman. The sad part is because I am broken inside I couldn't be her love. I guess I am just heartbroken. I feel like I never want to ever feel that for anyone ever again. She is right in not wanting to be around me, I don't want to be around me. I look and wonder what went wrong?

I guess I knew in my heart we were drifting away from the things that were good. I became a person that was just an emotional wreck and it is unfair to expect anyone to be there for that type of thing. She deserves someone that can be better than what I am right now. Even as I say this I can see that it is part of the problem.

The hardest part is knowing that I will never again get those little emails, just because. Never get teased playfully over chat. I lost my friend, my love. People can say that you will never lose touch, but how can we do anything but never speak again. For me it would kill me to be there knowing I can never say, "I Love You" or just spend a loving time with Her. She doesn't want to get sucked into my vortex again, so where would that leave us?

I am heart broken.

I Am Lost

I am depressed. I have tried to not be, but I cannot seem to shake these feelings. My life should be good. I have eliminated the toxic and negative elements from the Boy's life. I have people I know love me. I just seem to be drowning. I try, I do, but I just feel empty. I am clueless as a girlfriend. I seem to make things worse when I want to make things better. I wish I could fly, just float about all the craziness.


Maybe I am destined to be alone. I really do not like being around people right now. They annoy me. They scare me. People betray you. People lie about you and even family spreads the lies and hurt you. I am feeling better on the inside sometimes, but in real life, living the Boy's path, I am drowning.


Sometimes I just want to disappear. I want to go away and never be heard from again. Then I realize that is just a selfish cry for attention. Yeah, that will really show those people that really do care won't it? Make them worry that I have done something to hurt myself. Yeah, and I would do that right? I am too much of a coward for that, which I guess is good. I just look out and see no future. I see nothing. I have no hopes or dreams anymore. The horizon looks like a dark abyss that swallows all that approaches. I am approaching very fast it feels. Where will I end up then?


Alexia

Icky Feelings

I am not feeling so good right now. I accept myself, but that doesn't stop how I see myself. These feelings are not fair. They belong to the Boy. He is the one that layer these feelings on top of me. I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be someone that isn't always complaining and moaning about how sad and bad life is. I don't like this introspective crap. I seem to drown in it. I even have the love of my life to where I guess she is ready to just leave me to wallow. Icky feelings. Icky, icky feelings.


Alexia

Acceptance

I have accepted some things this week. Accepted that I am a woman, even though a mirror would say otherwise. I am settled in that fact. I love being a woman. One day I may make the mirror a believer. What has shifted is something inside that says, you are not dreaming. You have been different all these years. You have been forced to hide away and not be fully you because in this world people cling to hate. Why the acceptance? Not sure. I do know my heart feels it. I can close my eyes in the shower and feel my true self. I can sense the truth at the edges of my mind. I have had urges and desires that never fit the role I was forced into because this appendage hung between my legs. Maybe one day it will not hang there anymore. Maybe I will build up the courage to truly step into the light and be Alexia as I should be. Until then I will explore my feelings and continue to accept the parts that have been long denied freedom to be a part of who I am. From what I am told, Alexia is a pretty cool woman. So, I like that feeling. I want to be that woman others see me as in the online world where I can be me.

Lady Alexia

Something is changing inside and I can tell. I think it is part of what is my mental conflict. I am starting to accept my feelings as truly mine. I have a friend, a really sweet friend. He helps me explore online. I can tell I am different when I interact with him. In turn I know I am different towards my Thumper. I want her, I still have naughty and heavily sex crazed feelings for her, but I feel something deeper.

I still have a very submissive streak, which I am coming to terms with and struggling. Yesterday I felt so horrible as I let my Thumper down. I was a wreck. I think part of that was the need to please her. She is so wonderful though. She just fills my heart with so much love. I feel like crying as I think that we might never get to actually meet in Real Life.

I am so in love. I feel the need to just be hers and love that I am cared for. I really want to lavish her with kisses, but just as much I want to just sit and be in her arms as we watch the stars in the sky. She is so wonderful. I really ache for her. I hope she can continue to love me more each day.

As for my friend. He really has opened a side of me up that scares me. I feel like he sees me for me. Maybe that has been my problem all these years. I have hidden myself out of a fear of rejection, never truly know all that I was afraid would be rejected. I feel so safe with him. He loves me as a friend. I just know I can tell him anything and there is only love returned. It really is wonderful to be growing, but scary as can be as well. I still am not sure where this journey is taking me. I am unsure of my future and what will become of me. I am trying to figure that one out.

Better go for now.

Lady Alexia

I Wish I Could Change The World

Do You See That Woman In The Picture? I want to be like her. Guess what, so do a lot of gals, well not exactly her, but her gender. I see myself as a version of her. I spoke with a kindred spirit today. She is in a place I have been. I have been thinking hard about who I am and gender and what it all means. Today I am back to some old questions.

I wonder why I am like this? Why do I want to be different than what I have been all these years? Does it matter? I have hidden many feelings deep inside because of cultural pressures. I fear the negative and false beliefs associated to people like me. I just accepted it didn't I. I know the the Boy gave me free reign and it scares him deep inside or mind. He fears I would throw all the education, family, friends, all of it away. See we do not come by this easily. It is why I find those transitioning so courageous.

They are the ones fearless enough to say I want my outside to match the inner me. I sent the day feeling so much like who I want to be in my virtual life I have found. I, Alexia, had great moments of happiness and equal moments of sadness. It was wonderful. So I have made a decision. I want to change the world.

So God, listen up, I want to power to change things. I want to have people be able to love their soul mates. No prejudice or hatred, just freedom to love. I want gender swaps for those trapped inside the genetic structures that imprison them. Freedom to be gender healed. I want to give happiness to a few people. So I want to really be want I play at through captions on the Haven. Make me a Guardian Angel with the abilities to bend time and space and set people on paths to a happy life.

I know. Unanswered prayers. So how about you watch over all of them instead. Keep them safe. Protect them from those intent on doing them evil. Watch them and keep them safe from all harm Lord. I know that is a prayer You will answer.

*SIGHS*