When going over my Blog Comments from past posts as I do, I found that an Anonymous commenter asked if I was Transgendered. I consider myself so yes. In the days of searching the Internet I have come to call myself a Non Op Transgender Girl. What this means is that I like many feel like a woman and have many emotions that inside are female. We would like to transition, but for any number of reasons do not. It might be age, family, job, or many other considerations. I often figure true TGirls feel we are fakes, but many I know online are understanding. It does seem a contradiction. I am comfortable with that term for now. So yes I consider myself Transgendered.
With that comes the serious discussion of sexuality and the balance between fetishism and just expression. I did wonder if it was just some fetish at first, by I know for me the sexual stuff I do online is the only outlet I have for sex. I am very much deciding that it may be the only form of intimacy I will ever know. Sad as that is. Still, I can explore thoughts and feelings in cyberspace I cannot in the rural area I live. I have felt a different drive lately in that as well. Not ready to explore that here though.
I am figuring out what it means to be the true me, and that is behind a curtain of secrecy. People do not understand. They put us in the wrong ideal of who a person should be. I work with kids in my profession. So right there you can see why I am hidden. It matters not the good I do or the fact the my female qualities are what make me good at my job. If people knew I would never be able to work again. I would be labeled as a threat to children, and that would hurt most of all. I would give my life protecting the kids in my care. I have probably said too much.
My mind is shutting down so I will just stop writing......
Alexia
6 comments:
Well the term "Transgender" is an umbrella term for those that break the gender norm. What you are looking for is "Transsexual." Anybody that wears, acts or thinks like the other gender; weather crossdresser, male lesbian, crossdreamer, transvestite or transsexual is in fact transgender. Just a thought! o, and I love ur blog!
I understand your reluctance to speak about yourself. I too work with children. I love them, and would do anything to protect them. Yet, as you said, if people knew I was transgendered I doubt I would ever be able to do what I do again. I would also lose some friends and family no doubt. So, I completely understand what you mean when you say that you have reasons for not transitioning. I have never commented on a blog before, but from time to time I read some transgender blogs. It can never hurt to remind each other that we are not alone. There are people out there who understand you, and are feeling exactly what you are feeling. Take care. I wish you all the best.
I think every transsexual understands your reluctant about transitioning, though to varying degrees I think we all experience them, no place on earth yet seems entirely open to the idea that transsexuals are just people.
and one more thing, while I don't know how meaningful this will be coming from me since I haven't' been able to start my transition yet (I really don't feel safe in my state) but I think your being a bit hard on yourself with using the wording "true Tgirl" it's not our status in transition that define us as Tgirls or transsexual women.
and just because I've been wanting to do this for a while *hug*
I myself relate to your issue and from conversations with a friend that is someone who plans to be transgendered it the other direction as me I know that some people who are trans-gender do not understand why you would not want to change but one thing that I would like to point out is there is a term for us whom do not wish to change our outward appearance to correspond with the way we see ourselves and that term is GenderDysforie. and that is about all I am going to say for the same reason that you also do not want to say moore.
I'm going to write this and nothing else. I'm not going to comment on it except maybe to answer a question or two, but maybe not even that, so if anyone claims they're the one who wrote this and carries on an argument about this, they're lying. I have never posted about this, and I probably should be doing so behind a better anonymizer, but...whatever. The following is how I feel about myself. I don't hold other people to my "standards." I accept that the "community" by and large feels differently. That's fine. I don't ask others to accept how I feel or agree with me. Non-transgendered people don't. There's no reason transgendered people couldn't disagree with me in a different way.
I am transgendered. I have wanted to be, and many times felt I should be, the opposite gender since I was a small child. The fact that I'm not has on occasion emotionally hurt. A lot. Without warning or reason, from time to time it just starts to hurt. These are the reasons I know what I have is not just a fetish.
I feel no real identification to my gender. I mean, I'm my gender, but I don't feel it's really part of my identity. Every time I've taken a test that claims it can tell the taker's gender, the test guesses wrong. More often than not people think I'm the opposite gender when they only know me from chatting online. Groups of the opposite gender frequently include me when they have their gender-stratified talk sessions, saying I'm like one of them. I have several physical features commonly associated with the opposite gender. When I first learned gender reassignment surgery existed as a child, I got very excited. I presently have little, if any desire, to transition. Here's why.
I have really bad OCD. If I say something the "wrong" way, I repeat it again and again under my breath until I say it "right." I know there is no "right" way to say it, but that doesn't stop me. I can stop myself when the situation requires it, most of the time, but it's a struggle every time. People who know I have OCD don't pretend there's a difference between how I say something when I say it "wrong" and how I say something when I say it "right." I appreciate that. I take my status as transgendered similarly.
My body isn't "wrong" for my soul. (Souls being something I'm not sure I believe in anyway.) My mind has an issue that makes it reject my body. I am the biological gender stated on my birth certificate, and odds are nothing in my lifetime will ever change that. Me feelings of "wrongness" in my present gender and desires to be the opposite gender are not an expression of an infallible truth. They are expressions of something abnormal in my mind that make it not accept the perfectly good body of my birth. There is nothing wrong with these feelings, but surgery and hormones will not change what they are nor will they change my gender. They will only shape my body into a form these feelings will be more comfortable with. I accept that, but that doesn't mean the fact doesn't, on occasion, hurt like hell. It doesn't always, though, and it does so less today then it did ten years ago. My body may not be the one of my choice, but it's one I can be comfortable with, more and more so as I let myself accept it.
What if I woke up tomorrow and a unicorn leapt through my window and offered to change my gender with a wave of its hooves? Well, first I would politely ask to touch its horn. Then I would say yes. If I didn't I would probably go crazy wondering what could have been.
alone, I understand how hard something like that might be to share, and I want to thank you for sharing it but I do have to take issues with one thing you said. and that's with hormones not changing someone into a girl, if you've ever done any reading on transexuality then you'll quickly learn that the terms male and female are broken in a few ways, people who continue to fight against the rights of transexuals to be acknowledged as there true gender are never, and I repeat, never able to come up with a definition that would exclude people who they do consider that gender. lets use the classic example, some will say your not a woman unless you can give birth, this excludes woman who have gone through metapause, had operation to prevent pregnancy and a very very sizable portion of woman that are born (for lack of a better work) infertile. to put it in your own example what about the magical unicorn would make you more of a woman than a traditional transitioning, and don't try to say it has something to do with looks or beauty trans woman come in all shapes and sizes. (besides I take the philosophy that everyone man woman or non binary are in fact beautiful)
infact it's the very basis of transexuality that a trans woman was born a woman and a trans man was born a man, just with the wrong body, this doesn't' need to be belief in the soul (though I personally do) but the mind fits into that category as well, there have even been numerous studies which strongly point to the idea that even without social pressure the brain expects a certain type of body, and when the brain is in a body that doesn't match that problems happen
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