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I really am dumb when it comes to Love. I thought that little crushes were love as I went through high school and college. It wasn't until 2008 that I really for the first time fell in love. Many would say I was just obsessed and that it couldn't be love. I have only seen her once in a picture she threw me as a lifeline during my descent into madness. She was someone who made me feel like no other ever had.
I know that she really couldn't love me like I did her. I don't have the body that could allow that from her. Yet, I know she cares on some level for me. It just is in a way where my heart gets constantly broken. I take the blame for that because it is my not being able to just let go of what my heart feels that causes my pain. Expectations that are not reasonable form and I feel hurt. The last time was added too by the feeling that common acquaintances mislead me and the when I found out that she was once again very sick, I was angry at those that I felt had not told me. It also was very hard not to feel hurt towards her, even though she could not do anything.
Everyone tells me to get out and find someone. If it were that easy i would have someone. Now I am just in a place where I don't ever see anyone ever falling in love with me. The real world also holds a barrier as I have the hidden self that yearns to be free and allowed to live as a woman. It is an impossible dream in so many ways. I just have so much that feels wrong and I can never see a future where i am loved in any way except in my role as a person who is there for others. There is an imbalance in my heart.
I apologize for the crazy talk and the depressing posts. I guess I am feeling the need to just speak out these feelings and just try and give life to myself. If I ever do win the lottery..........
Alexia
I am so selfish. I crave affection. I crave intimacy. I crave being noticed I guess. I know distance grows and I am in an isolation of my own making. I just wish I could live inside cyberspace. I wish I could become the object of those I wish desired me. I read the actual two volume graphic novel for "THE SURROGATES" and found myself wishing we had that technology. I would sacrifice this prison of flesh for a body that allows me to be seen as my true self.
I think it is true about those of us who are single having shorter lifespans. I feel less inclined to take care of my self. Why should I? There is no one that I come home to and feel safe with as their arms surround me. It is a feeling of despair that hovers around you all the time.
For a long time here on-line I tried to be a presence who cared for those that feel like me. I tried to be a person that gave affection. It just feels that I gave and somewhere along the way I gave out. I have nothing left. I am just a lonely, whiny, selfish girl.
Alexia
Life has been extra hectic the last month or so. My real life job has been draining me emotionally as I have dealt with so people with major issues. The chaos they have brought into that environment has been staggering. I also just have lost all desire to be at times. I feel lost in the one place I can be the true me.
Reading stories has become the main outlet for me. Even more than porn vids. I dream of being something else besides the pathetic boi I am. My health is not good I think. It has also been a real struggle with my triggers that push my depression along. I am a mess and i guess I can see why I am not able to have a relationship either in real life or on-line.
I dream many dreams now where I am entranced and made a servant to my Master and his whims. He is always a very well built Black Man with strange magical powers. I am often licking another of his thralls while he fucks my pussy raw. Then I wake up and feel empty.
I am working right now to self-trance myself before bed in the hopes of dreaming of being a real girl and being loved. I just thought I would check in and let those who cared know I am alive and still screwed up.
Alexia
