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I wanted to let you all know why I have been silent. I am not feeling really well right now. I know part is the passing of kidney stones. I feel them and the thirst I get is what has always happened when I have them. The other is the sinus infection that is trying to take hold. I am also trying to wait things out to make the new Doc appointment from where they moved it a week forward. I get really hot as well. I am burning up right now. It has sapped me of much of my energy. I haven't even felt like rubbing my clitty since the other day in the shower, but that is another story.
Just know I am not gone, but I am running at about 35% right now. Have some temp work next week as well. I will get back soon. I hope you all are doing well.
Love and Kisses,
Alexia
OK, so this is a busy time of the year for me. 
I love Christmas and so far I have fought off the depressive thoughts. I have my stealth panty buying in full gear and bought the most comfortable fit yet for myself. The tip is to buy panties when buying clothes for needy people. You are doing good and slipping something naughty in for your nice self. *giggle*
I will have my moments where the loneliness will get to me. I miss my Mom a lot this time of year. She was such a good Mom and did so much for others. I have to be careful or I will buy too much for the kids I work with or give more than I can to charities. I have been buying a guilty pleasure. CVS has the cutest little reindeer stuffed toys. So far I have bought Vixen, Dancer, and Comet. I don't need them, but they are soooooo cute. I do have one more Haven Christmas box to mail and I still need to do my cards.
I might be silent for the rest of the week still. I have many little things to do. My Santa's Elf hat is own. So don't fret. Also, my Sweet Boy, Jillisa, and any other Havennittes that read this, I hope to be more active soon.
Kisses,
Alexia Rose
I am kinda busy right now and may be scattered on updates. Bear with me. Who knows I could get on a streak and have many posts real soon. The pesky kidney stones are back. I feel them traveling some during the day. Not so painful yet, but might get there.
Something really cool happened the other day. I had been helping the parent a gotten really dirty. So I showered and then when getting dressed put on one of my cute flowery pair of pink panties. What is cool is that I felt so comfortable and forgot I was wearing panties. My silly boy clit flattened inside me and even those pesky things that hang down were pressed tight. It was like a sudden realization hours later that I realized just how much I felt like a woman down there. It is silly and small I know. But I just felt so good all the rest of the day about it.
Hope you all are doing well.
Love and Kisses,
Alexia Rose
I am doing better darlings. Medicine is calming my irritability down and I am now just fighting the sinus rollercoaster of weather. I am about to embark on a cold rainy day to a Christmas thing. I hope it snows later. I love snow.
OH, I want to thank my Sweet Boy, He really helped me scratch many itches yesterday. I loved every minute of it hun. Moo, Moo, MOOOOO!
Alexia
I had hoped that maybe my anxiety and depression was brought on in the terrible state from the environment I was in at the time and then left. Since accepting I could no longer do it on my own and getting some help from my doctor, I have been on Lexapro. I had helped, I knew it at the time. When I felt so out of control, I would get tired and sleepy and eventually I was feeling better. I felt like reading for fun. I was doing better. The problem is the cost of the medicine. I was able to get samples from doctors and I guess I was able to have around 4 months at no cost.
Tonight the feelings of irritability and dark anger went totally out of control. Granted, the parent pushed and has pushed the entire time I have been without the medicine. Still, I was shaky hours after. I have taken one of the quick release pills I was given. I feel the sleepiness. I am calmer. I just am glad I can pay for the refill tomorrow, well today now I guess.
I hate feeling this way. I hate being depressed.
Alexia
I just made this for Jamie over at Rachel's Haven and wanted to share. Been a bit since I gave you a new caption to read.
Alexia
I am attempting to make it without the depression medicine I have taken for the past year. It is part in my mind the fact that I have not taken it for a whole day, but I am just feeling stressed. The cost is $50 for a month's supply. It just is a bit pricey and comes when I need to pay bills and do shopping for other things. I do have the quick release pill if things get dicey.
What is troubling is that I asked the parent to please not do small things to aggravate me. They have not cared it seems. This morning it was a steady stream of just talking that translated to other things in my head. I have to summon the force of will I did for all those years I fought this off before things got so bad in that environment I left.
People really do not understand depression. The other night there was a gathering and the phrase "To blessed to be depressed." was thrown about. It has nothing to do with being blessed. In fact that can make it worse. You feel guilt and shame for feeling so pathetic when things around you are not bad or could be worse. I am going to try and make it. I hope I can.
Alexia
Well my big day turned into a day of pain. I spent most of the day with diarrhea. Yeah, fun! I have a problem with my medicine for sugar making me have to use the bathroom until I am really sore. The solution has been taking Imodium and becoming bound up. The Yo-Yo snapped this morning. I don't want to change meds just yet. The other medicine would make me gain weight, which goes against my losing weight to help sleep apnea, and is much more expensive and I can't afford it. So I wonder if any of you out there know of a natural way to 
counteract the meds side effect without the swinging from one way to constipation?
Still, I have spent the day in panties and these panties with legs. I have worn my comfy lounge wear. It feels really good. I have liked at least having the house to myself. *sigh* I am so wanting to just become softer in appearance now so I feel as soft as what I am wearing.
Alexia
(sorry for the diarrhea talk)
OK, so I am without the parent. I was lazy, but did go through an old pile of clothes in the parent's room where my Mom's stuff is. I found a stack of brand new panties that fit wonderfully. They are Simple Cotton Hanes Her Way. I am sleeping in a pair tonight. Found something else I will try tomorrow. Many bras, probably do not fit. Two nightgowns that do. A few Slips that are wonderful. I guess you could say it was a fruitful scavenge. Night Night Sweeties!
Alexia
OK, I said I would keep you updated as I prepared for the parent to go on a trip. They leave tomorrow. I went today and bought some stuff, and did some Haven Christmas shopping because I will need to ship it to our "hub" soon. I found a Sports Bra I hope will fit. I wish I were rich and brave enough to buy girl stuff at Target, they have the most awesome Sports Bras. They also have skirts and tops that I think are so cute.
I got some new panties. The big purchase was a women's lounge wear. Top and Pants. I think they will fit, they were XXL and I will spend much of Monday in them. Probably sleep in them one night. I really wanted a nightgown, but baby steps. I am still a bit scared out buying, but this time of year they assume you are getting Christmas stuff, for a gift or charity. Mixed with the gifts I think it was a good safe cover. I know I should not be scared, but I live in the South of the USA. Many ignorant people. I also would be demonized in my line of work. I can't risk it.
The sad thing is I know if I ever tried to transition while the parent was alive, they would not understand. Chaz Bono has confirmed that one. They don't wish ill on him, but it is more a sad shaking of the head and questioning what crazy things happen in the world. So, I know it will be something for their sake that I must keep inside. Although I goofed up and had two pair of panties in the dryer and they took them out. So who knows what went through their head then.
I will try and update you tomorrow. After work I plan on taking care of my hair, maybe even a bubble bath late tomorrow evening. Keep good thoughts for me. I look wrong in my mind when I put that wig on some months ago, but I will try and wear it Monday for part of the day if I can. Maybe if I don't look I can imagine I am the girl on the outside I am on the inside.
Alexia Rose
I am sure some of you have explored the taste of something. I read some blogs early on on how to become a good cock sucker. They were to supposedly help the girl in the wrong body get use to cum. Yet, The idea of milking was weird. I rarely have anything that could be milked. Instead I get a coating that is released from my deformed pussy.
I seem to be in a gross mode in my sharing today. Why I do not know. I guess I just am feeling very much the dirty girl I am. I love licking myself clean. I so want to lick clean the pussy of one of my many girlfriends online. I know that in those times the "boy" thinks about us and our future there is a worry. I do not think I could muster any effort to do anything like he would have done it. I would kiss and worship that lovely slit of my lover.
I have a girlfriend online that would probably say when I was licked in return nature would take over, and she maybe right. I just have no desires to fuck unless I have a strap-on that is also in me too. It is nice to be accepting this more and more. I figure I will never have to worry, I am still a virgin at 37 and that will not change in my thinking.
I had a reply that said something about self hatred. I guess I do. I am lucky though. I am not like some of my sisters and brothers that become so loathing of being in the wrong body that they harm themselves. I accept that I hate the fact I have been locked in a prison and even if I could save money, weather the storm and get SRS, I still would not be able to have a child or be seen as a woman by so many out there. There would always be a fear of someone finding out and using that against me. I heard a singer once with the most beautiful voice. She could make the wannabes on the reality shows sound like bleating goats. She will never try to be the star she could be because of how the world would see her. That is a shame.
Alexia
I wanna stand in the rain and let it wash away the outer shell that covers me. I want to feel my long red hair slick wet down my back. I want to feel my nipples rub wet against my shirt and the cool freshness of being bathed in cleansing rain. Rain can wash the impurities from the air and I wish it would wash the impurities from me. I want to dance naked in the rain. I have always wanted to live naked. Be a child of nature and free to just be an animal called human. I would be joyful in the rain. Would you play with me? We could jump in puddles and play in the mud. Then as the drops fell we could find a stream or lake and wash ourselves clean. I think that would be a nice way to end a rainy day. I wanna be me. That is all, just be the me I feel like inside. I know I am obsessed, but I feel free as well. I know now. I can at least understand why I want to be different. Why I am different. One day maybe I will be the me I can see. I can be Alexia Rose and I can be with who I wanna be with in this life.
I wanna be sexy. I want to have the legs that can look good and stop a man or woman as they walk. Legs I can wrap around some stud as I ride him and feel myself full. I want modest breast that have awesome nipples. Nipples that are sensitive to touch. I do so want red hair. I have always felt I needed more of my Irish heritage. It is mixed with Dutch, but inside I want those genetic codes that would bring my Irish curls forth. I want to rock leather and latex. I want to just be so sexy that you want me. So sexy you would have to be with me. I know I am sexually deprived and much of my desire is that now I am realizing I can be sexy. For so long I have felt unsexy, but I know I am inside. I can flirt and fuck. I want that. I also want intimacy and love. When I care about someone I play out intimacy online it feels so good. I want those feelings with physical touch included. I want my orgasm to blow me away. I wanna be the firecracker I feel like inside. The woman that can comfort or command is what I desire. I want to be so much more than what lies beneath this poor sack of flesh I am outside.
Alexia Rose
I know it has been a few days since my last post. The dread little stone has moved on and the lingering pain is going as well. I have been besieged at work and the secondary job has called upon me as well. The next few days are going to be tough. That would be the Bad. I can't be around my girlfriends and Sweet Boy as much on YIM. I can't play as much. I am busy and occupied. So I have that Bad.
The Good is that I am not as Depressed and just laying in the bed all day in the dark. I am out in the world. I have some awesome news. The parent is going out of town the end of the week. I can get ready and make it an all Alexia time. I need to go to a few towns over and get some new clothes to wear. I think I want to find a nightgown to sleep in. Maybe a sports bra. I definitely need more panties. There will be shaving and if I am brave waxing. *sigh* I want to do so much, but know I will have little time.
I just need to be careful, but take advantage of the wonderful alone time. I wish I could be like the picture. I would wear more ties if it were like that style. Hope to post Blog updates as the Girl time proceeds. Yeah!
Alexia
It is a kidney stone. Which is not suppose to happen because I am on medicine to keep them from forming. It started moving today and is very painful right now. Jillisa, I am sorry I am out of it. This has knocked me hard.
Alexia
I have felt really bad all day. I think it is the combination of medicine fighting what it is suppose to fight and my sugar meds fighting the Imodium that I try and balance that side effect with. Plus it has been rainy for days now. I am all tired and just not feeling very alert. I do feel heavily female. I hope that means the hypno files are working. I also just need to sleep soundly for a bit.
On a positive note. I had a wonderful connection with the woman whom I adore. It was just a quick visit and I know we will never be together, but just being able to talk to her was nice. I wish I could make all her problems go away. I wish I could be the woman she needs to be there for her. It was a nice visit. I do love her still.
OK, just felt the need to Blog. *kisses*
Alexia
Do you ever wake up and just want to be taken? Or maybe stick fingers in your hole and rub your clitty until you shudder with pleasure? I am so horny this morning. I am daydreaming about being fucked and about sucking and about having a real pussy instead of the defective hole I have. My dreams had me thinking of my lover man holding my thighs with my legs spread wide. I had my face smashed to the floor as the tips of my nipples tease the floor. He thrusts my pussy and I feel the strong shaft pushing my wider and splitting me. I just get lost in the fantasy and feel these weird stirrings in my chest.
I have had my fingers rubbing my defective boy clitty as it is pushed inside me. It really does feel close to my desires. Sometimes the evil little thing pushes out, It hurts then to push it back into the skin. I do and i try and continue. When it is good like today I feel the slow build and then can ride the waves of pleasure and stop just before cumming and enjoy the feelings. I know I am a fake girl and have hormones that fight against, but I also know I want this and wish I could see a way to become my true self.
I can't be the only one, there would not be a term for us, Non-Op T-Girls. I look to the future and see the loss of income, status in the world, my Dad, and the ability to earn a living. I would be living in poverty. I am in the Southern United States. Not a healthy place to let people know I am a girl. I know that I would need to leave everything behind and have setup sustainability to be me. What I wonder is if I can somehow take female hormones and become stable in my feelings. Lose the facial hair at least and the constant attack on my body by the male sickness? What I need is the real Bikini Beach. Anya and her Grandmother could help me so much.
Alexia Rose
I am in a time of inner thoughts about who I am and the struggle to be me and maintain the life I had as a boy for the sake of surviving the real world out there away from this safe area. I feel some days so at peace as the girl inside. Other times I am in a depressive state and want so badly to be rid of this defective frame. I know I am a very slutty girl, very horny and sexual. Yet, I maintain my spiritual belief in God and have been struggling to resolve the hate I hear against me and the words left for me in the Bible.
Recently someone who created my Haven and place that played a huge role in saving my sanity and life has been stricken and I ache for her. She is someone I know only slightly, but feel such love for because of what she has done for me and others. I still worry about the first real love of my life. She is still dealing with her own stuff and I feel a distance growing between us and it hurts.
I have friends at Rachel's Haven that have disappeared because of Real life and more that I have disappeared from because of Real Life. I miss the way I had this family online that I knew loved me, but I know I cannot live just inside the computer. I must stay connected to the world outside. even if it is where I face dying alone and never having a physical intimate love.
Professionally I am trying to rely on the powers and talents that I know are my female being. It makes sense that the maternal feelings I have and those of sisterhood were not crazy and irrational. During college I was so close to a group of girls I might have well as been female the way I was the only guy in the group, but that also lead to the depression of being the friend, but now at least I know I was the girlfriend. Some of the kids I work with need care and compassion and it breaks my heart that if I only had the body I desire I could be there so much more for one kid and never have to worry about the issues brought about because of gender.
Sex. I want it. I crave it. Some days I wish so bad that this hole that I push my fingers in was a real vagina. I wonder if the constant masturbating could be damaging the small boy part and if that could lead to its removal. I also wonder what would it be like to just cut the testicles off. Don't worry, I hate pain too much to do it, but I do wonder sometimes what it would be like if that extra flesh were gone. Hair is a terrible thing. I wish the thinning on my head would shift to my lower body. I wish I could reach my back and remove that nasty hair. Then I want to slip into latex and go find a nice woman and man to use my as a toy.
I have even been praying to God to make me a girl.
Alexia Rose
This is the last of my October Contest Entries. Through my magic I have deduced that this one has so far done the best in the competition of the five. It is a big surprise that it is doing the best of my entries, when no one made comment about it. The look on her gorgeous face is what lent to the inner monologue. I hope I can get you a nice little original caption for tomorrow. Right now I am just gonna try and not think about it being my Birthday.
Alexia
You really must say the title in the old Dr. Who villain voices of the Daleks. It will make the caption. This was the first entry I wrote. I had been watching a bunch of EASTWICK on HULU.com and then found the girls pic. It just flowed then. I do owe Playing Petra because she had this pic in her files and I posted a cap before her using it. It happens. One reason the Blog here is cool. One is used at Haven, I can still write a cap for here.
Alexia
This entry is where I say Happy Halloween to Rachel's Haven and I do something for my beloved Bren. She is cute isn't she? *sigh* I Love You Bren!
Alexia
What am I? I have been struggling with my inner feelings. I am aroused more by females. I wish I was genetically female and I want to be with a female, but I have developed feelings and desires to be with a man. I have had to think about this.
Am I bisexual? I would say yes, but as a female. Unless I am feminine in form and just still have the birth defect between my legs, I have no desire to be with a guy as I am locked in a guy body. I still want to be with a girl. There is one woman I still would like to be my first kiss, but I know it will never happen. She is too far away and she would never like the ugly me I am here. That is a whole different topic.
No, I am clearing this up. When I think about it, I want a cock in my sex, not my anus. I want to be a girl and I then have the desires to be such a perfect little sex toy. I am understanding that I am a bisexual woman. I am just trapped inside a male prison. I could see myself as a sexy 
transsexual that has to wait to be whole, but has the curves and soft features.
There is something that is so appealing by having a man take me like an animal. I want to be taken. I want to feel his cock rubbing my clit. I want to ride my man and look into his eyes and see love and adoration for his woman. I would like to be owned by a couple I think. Then I could be happy as the sex toy of both. I do know I could fall for a transgendered person that I meet. I long ago said that I would not worry about who I fall in love with, that at my age it is more important to be happy. Of course the woman I fell for is not able to love me like that at this time, if ever.
Oh well, back to Halloween later.
Alexia Rose
I like making costumes for friends at the Haven. So this year Jillisa gets a nice transformation into an elf. I think she is cute. She wanted bigger breast. I think her breast are lovely myself, but I have a thing for the flexible and and athletically slim bodies. They have a beauty about them that makes me just admire the lines and slight curves of the body. Hope you like this one.
Alexia
This is just one of those pics that screamed to be captioned. I used the GIMP ivy paint to make a silly vine frame for the pic and obscure out annoying background static.
Alexia
Another of the Caption Debt work. I think this is a very pretty woman.
Alexia
I just made this caption as I was working off my caption debt and loved it so much I had to post it here for all of you. I hope you like it. It is a bit different.
*kiss*
Alexia
One day shy. That is how close to being born on Halloween I was and I always felt sad in so ways. See, I would have been a witch if I was born on Halloween. That would have been awesome. I love this time of year. I love giving candy to the cute little kids. I love the spooky stories. I love the idea that magic is strongest on this of all nights. Maybe one day I will actually find a spell to be like this pic I found last year. I would love to be a cute witch that can seduce all the girls and boys that night. Soon you will get my caps for my favorite holiday. I have some originals to do as well. People I would love to be for the night.
Happy Halloween Early!
Alexia
This one was done for the lovely Rebecca Molay.
I am chipping away at the caption debt I have at Rachel's Haven. I built it up during my breakdown last year. It is a large debt and it has so many Haven Members on it. I do want to make it up to them and as I make captions I will post them here so look for them and understand that they are mostly tailored to certain preferences. Next week we will have the submissions to the Haven's October Contest. If you are a member, then I would love for you to go and vote for me. *sigh* It is OK to vote for others that you like. I voted for "HIGH HELL BOOTS & EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE....." captions.
Alexia Rose
I am feeling better mentally Sweeties, but I still feel the darkness at the corners, so bear with me for a bit longer. I did want to post and I thought I could show you an outfit I wish I had the body for. I think that this latex catsuit tank would be awesome. I wonder what it would feel like to have my pussy pressed tight against that material? I think about running my hands along that shiny material and feel so sleek. I would practice some kind of martial art and be very flexible. Do you think I could get the guys and gals around me to stop and drool? That would be nice. Maybe I could dance on stage with water falling all over me. That would be so sexy. Dream my darlings, dream and hope. One day maybe we will have scientific advancements that will allow for easy transformation and living our lives as they should be. One day maybe we will be accepted and the prejudice against us destroyed. Hope. I say a prayer for many of you each night, and I say general prayers for all those that are struggling out there.
Alexia Rose
I have been busy with work and making entries for the 4th Annual October Halloween Caption Contest. I will share my captions the week of Halloween. If any are Haven readers, make sure you vote once that awesome Bren opens the polls to pick winners. So I am finished with that thing.
This weekend is a big one at work. Two things that I am a big part of so I have much still to do. There is also one of those pesky family things that happen once a year that I am helping with Sunday. It will be a busy weekend.
Still, I wanted to share one of these great latex outfits I found. I would really love to be able to know what that feels like. I am attracted to latex clothes. There is a blue latex mini dress I love that I think is in the archives.
Have a wonderful weekend darlings. I am on an upswing in mood and I hope it stays that way for a bit. Maybe my posts will be better.
Alexia
I read a comment on a Blog I follow where the person said how nice it was to just slide a vibrator in and enjoy. I wish I could slide anything in my hole. My boy clitty doesn't push back much, but there isn't the room in there like a real vagina would have. It is hard to rub my clitty in that spot that helps make me feel good too. I so wish I could experience this, I know many in my spot use anal to get off, but many factors make that less enjoyable. I want to be a girl and feel like a girl when my small hole is stimulated. So I just rub and let myself cum in this halfway between way I live and stay frustrated. My birthday is soon and I know what my wish is again this year. *sigh*
Alexia
I just saw a request by a nice Christian Lesbian on the blog she writes asking for help. She has a friend who is Transgender (F2M) that needs help to obtain completeness. The young man has told his story at the website where donations are being requested. I make no assumptions as to whether anyone who reads this will donate, but if even one does it is a good thing. I am strapped for cash, but maybe in the future I can help.
Many of us know the pain of looking in the mirror and not seeing who we think we are looking back. When he looks below his shoulders he sees two growths that need to be removed. That is what the money is for, to remove the breast. Take a look and see if you can help.
SELF-MADE MAN
Thank You for reading.
Alexia
Small bit of my digging out of caption debt. Made for two different Haven members, Jayden Fong and Kascey. Hope you like them.
Alexia
I forced myself to get what I had said I would for work. I went through the motions and then came home. I sat down and just felt like crying. I felt tired. I just went and laid down in the darkness of my room. I just didn't feel anything but tired. I think I slept some. I am not sure. I just feel like I did back when I left my job. I feel worthless, which makes no sense. I am so given affirmation at my new job. Those I work with are happy to see me and I don't feel the self hatred after I leave work.
This is coming from somewhere else. The one person I want to talk to I can't. She didn't need or want to be talking or even around me when I was in the midst of very deep depression. I have upset one person who has been there for me. I just don't know how to stop feeling these feelings. They don't even have words. just these feelings of loneliness and despair.
Alexia
I don't understand why I can't stop being depressed. I should be happy, right? I mean I am not homeless, I am now in a work environment where people appreciate me, I have those online that care about me, but I just still get overwhelmed. It is a strange feeling. Debilitating. The thing is that I know in some ways what is happening.
Last night I probably hurt someone who cares about me a great deal online. I can see why the woman I fell in love with over chat had enough. It is like my mind just can't stop once the feelings begin.
I wanted to just curl up into a ball and disappear last night. My sense of self-worth is zero. I know people think we can just do stuff to be in a better place. We feel alone, just put ourselves out there. Most of us did put ourselves out there over and over when we scrounged enough courage to do so. Most of us got rejected very hard, then we lost our ability to be out there. Well, we somehow would do it again and be knocked down again. It eventually destroys any sense of trying.
I know I have an automatic defense self. It is the person I have become that can just continue on and look normal and fine while I feel terrible deep down inside. Over the years I built this armored individual to exist. The thing is that it doesn't change anything. People around me see the facade. Inside I am drowning in darkness. I see the history of my life and know I will never be kissed in real life. I see that I will never know true love touch. All I see is dying alone, without ever having known what it is like to be cared for by another in real life.
I take my medicine, I pray, I try to hope..........
A
OK, I am almost over the nasty cold. What is really great is that it has begun getting cool here. I love this time of the year. The leaves are changing, the air gets crisp, and the time for longer sleeves have arrived. I have some things to attend this weekend, but I will be around here. I am working to eliminate the massive caption debt I acquired at Rachel's Haven. You will see the new captions as I finish them. I do want to thank the person who responded to my request for help on the contest. It is an obvious suggestion that really has started to give me a story that is forming. OK, I will finish this update now.
Have a good weekend Darlings.
Alexia Rose
I wanted to let you all know why I have been silent. I am not feeling really well right now. I know part is the passing of kidney stones. I feel them and the thirst I get is what has always happened when I have them. The other is the sinus infection that is trying to take hold. I am also trying to wait things out to make the new Doc appointment from where they moved it a week forward. I get really hot as well. I am burning up right now. It has sapped me of much of my energy. I haven't even felt like rubbing my clitty since the other day in the shower, but that is another story.
