My Mind is Weird

I wish I felt like being sexy right now.  I am in a strange place.  I know I am suffering the effects of depression.  I cannot sleep.  I am grouchy.  I am just divided between wanting to just let go and be me and the reality of the responsibilities the "boy" has to do.  I want to just leave this body and be in one that has curves and can wear bikinis and one where men and women desire me.  Is that too much universe?

I went to bed praying for God to change me.  I know it can happen.  A woman in the US experienced it.  She had a bee sting that somehow restarted the glands that would have made her female when younger.  She is now living as she should have been.  The changes helped her become fully who she was and after the surgeries finished it, well.....I know it is possible.  For my situation that could be the way to have things happen.  I wish I knew how to make that happen.

I have some cap ideas.  One thing though I have been doing is making caps for the Haven Quarterly eZine.  It helps raise money to run the site.  That helps Rachel a great deal and it is a way this broke ass gal can help out.  That means that they are exclusive to the Haven.  Sorry.  Just be patient.  I might get back to sharing my fantasies soon.  Right now I just really want to be taken and used.  Or have My Star hold me again.....but I know that will never happen.

Alexia

Hello Sweeties.

I have been in a weird place mentally.  The boy has been busy and I have just kinda stayed back and really just been an online hermit gal.  I would get on YIM and just feel left behind or alone.  I didn't want to burden the people that care about me and I had no one to just have sex with over chat.  I saw a mention of something I had been a part of some time ago at the Haven and felt a bunch of sadness because I have been left out of being included for a few seasons now.  Just being reminded of that hurt a bit more than I realized.

I carry a great deal of guilt over My Star.  I don't chat much with her.....just enough to see how she is doing.  It hurts, even as I write this it hurts thinking about her and the fact that I can never even have a chance.  I hate having this dam ugly male container.  I know it is selfish to still love her after everything, but my heart hurts just knowing I will never be what she can love back.

In about a month's time I will be a 40 year old virgin.  The silly thing is that I doubt I could have sex as a guy, I don't know.....I mean I have such small equipment and I have accepted so fully my self that I cannot see it.  I desire to lose my virginity as a girl would.  So I am screwed up huhn?  I can't even get laid on YIM.  I am so horny all the time and just would love to be used and to have sex like the slutty gal I am, but I guess being careful limits that score.  I seduced my sweet boy a few weeks back.  I really just pulled out all the stops and it was so wonderful.  I miss My Star though.  I have never been as in sync over chat with anyone else.  She was like a conductor playing us a symphony as be made love.

Sorry about being so whiny.  I just feel bad.  I can't find any energy and when I do have it, the needs of the boy's life must come first.

Alexia