Not Bad Not Good

So I missed the Doctor's appointment.  I had the wrong day and was a day late.  It is rescheduled.  I started a second job.  It is early, then a break, then back in the afternoon.  So I am in a readjusting period while being very depressed.  Its funny how I can walk around and play like everything is OK when inside I am a mess.

I watched a movie with Strippers in it and was so jealous.  I wish I could do that for a living.  Be flexible and move to music while becoming a focus of lust and want.  It is something I wish I could be.  I guess that is also why I want a body that is long and lithe.  It would be so nice to have men and women watch as I stripped down to bare flesh.

I have been dreaming of my Criminal Minds crush.  Shemar Moore is so sexy, but I realize it is his character of Derek Morgan that I love.  I have this dream of him coming out of a pool naked and dripping wet.  He takes me doggie style and just makes my body quiver.

I am still here.  Not feeling great, but not thinking the dark thoughts as hard.

Alexia

Pushing against the Darkness

Sunday I felt like I might stop fighting.  I had a big stressor and it has been a big thing that continues in a different way.  I did not take the fast acting pill because I knew it would make me sleepy and I had to work.  I spent a few hours alone and just thinking about cutting my wrist.  I have a pocket knife on me all the time and it was a thought I kept having.  I think now I am past the worst for now.  I took two of those pills that night to get there and another on Monday.  The kids I work with are all I have now that seems to keep me going.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.  I wonder if I can find the courage to talk to hum about this and also the other major thing about me that I have to keep hidden.  Can I share that I am transgender?  I don't know.  I just feel so tired sometimes of being alone and I feel guilty about writing it here.  I think I just feel a need to put it in the Universe.

Pray for me.

Alexia Rose