Merry Christmas!!!!

The last of the Contest Captions. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

Alexia

It is the second of my December Cation Contest entries I did for the Haven

Here is my second Contest offering where I placed these in the December Caption Contest over at Rachel's Haven. Enjoy and I will put the last Caption up tomorrow or really late tonight. Merry Christmas!


Alexia

I was doing so well.....

One day is all it takes. One day to take me back to the shackles and the bonds that lock me in darkness. I hate myself and I hate my life. I am just existing and not even worth the space that contains me. I know in the back of my mind I am cared for, but what does that matter when I just seem to be nothing but a useless being. The house is so cold. There are no Christmas lights. There is no joy. It is just a cold and loveless place where I am verbally reminded I have no place here every day. I have no room. I have no bed. I have nothing. So why should I even exist. These are the thoughts the medicine is battling. I serve so admirably in times of crisis, do small things to help. Then after my aid is given and I am used up, I am reminded how useless I really am by the one person who should see I am not well. I feel like I am about to drown in darkness. It would be so easy to just let go, let go and rest, stop fighting. Just let go and sleep.

Alexia

White Knots

I have been very troubled in recent days darlings. I am so connected to the very organizations and people that display hate for those just wishing to be married. Connected professionally. It is becoming very evident that my secret desires and my public self are at a logger head. I desire to shout out and decry the injustice of the hatred towards those that are gay and lesbian and just want the same things others enjoy in this country called America. I am going to make a small white knot. I am going to figure out how to explain it when asked without harming myself. I will continue to pray for my community and will await the day God provides the way I can serve my people without fear of being destroyed before I can help. I feel that day is coming. I feel God helping me learn and grow so one day I can show the healing love of Christ to help with the wounds those who I guess are my peers have afflicted upon people. Until then I can put this on my Blog. Do what you can as you can. The Transgendered are as much a part of this as well. One day Love will be seen as the true message of God and Hate will be relegated to the place it belongs, out of our hearts.

White Knot

Alexia Rose

Christmas Madonna Mix Up

I have decided to display the caps I did for our December Contest at the Haven. Here is one that is a bit of a mix up because of our pop culture. I hope you enjoy. I plan on trying to do an original Caption just for the Lady Alexia Blog.

Alexia

Could I?

As I get ready for bed I am pondering strongly tonight whether I could go from Non Op Transgendered Girl to a real girl? I know my Dad would not understand and the degree I earned in Graduate School would probably be revoked. I would never serve in my profession again either. The thing is I can feel a peacefulness when I am allowing myself to be fully me as the woman I see myself as now. Would I be able to do it? Could I overcome the fear and truly decide to be a woman?


So I am looking at a life I see denied to me by circumstance and factors of family love and just basically earning a living. I hate what is between my legs. The more I feel like myself these things are constant reminders of the life forced upon me. I look at the time it would take and wish I had been able to see this years ago when I could have been able to really start and live a life as the woman I am. OK, bedtime. Lots to do tomorrow.


Lady Alexia Rose

Is it the Holiday or am I getting better?

Maybe it is that the medicine is working or just the Holiday spirit in the air, but I feel better and almost like smiling sometimes now. I still miss Thumper so bad at times my chest aches. I still have a life that is filled with so much that is depressing, but I can smile some. My friend and Master that plays and just holds me when I need it is so good to me. I have friends that love me. In a few days I know a better man will lead my nation.


I even can see the day I would transition. It still is fantasy, but I can imagine it as possible. I mean I probably am not ever going to have a significant other to worry about. I can see if when some family pass away I might do it. I know that is morbid, but they really would not understand this need to become totally me. It may never happen, but just seeing it in my mind comforts me somehow. I also am defining spiritually what it means to accept that I am really a girl. It makes me feel better and I hope I will be able to fight the darkness more.


Lady Alexia

I am sick sweeties,

I have a yucky sinus infection. Bleagh! I am feeling tired and really nauseous. I wish I was not so prone to these things. I really wish I felt better. I am starting to have caption ideas. So I might can get some stuff done if I can just feel a bit better. I just wanted to say think you to those that for whatever reason read my Blog and follow along. I have read an interesting book called "cycler" that I want to write about soon as well. It is kinda TG related. Fits the two genders in one body theme anyway.

Lady Alexia *sniff*

Petra Gets a Lesson

My friend Petra at Rachel's Haven is such a funny captioner. She makes some of the quirkiest and just sort through your nose stories. I was working to get my mojo back and this pic and the movie The Princess Bride just melded in my head. This caption is one I did for Petra. Love Ya Pea!

Alexia

The Boy's Body Has Been Misbehaning

Something weird has been happening and really this morning it all came to a head in a strange way. The new medicine had a warning about erections and I think since taking it the Boy's body has been having some of these effects happen. It wakes up hard many mornings now hurting and throbbing. This morning was the first time my lustful nature gave in.

I had turned the iTunes radio on and with the sleeping mask I must wear to not stop breathing during my sleep I sat in the recliner. Sometime into the dozing and clearing of my sinuses I lost control and the Boy's body became aroused. My goodness it was weird. To suddenly feel my own womanly lust and dream of licking that sweet girl treasure, yet have this appendage throbbing in my groin. I started rubbing it but felt so ashamed that I was giving in to this very male object.

My thoughts became switched. I thought of a guy under me and me riding him and my breathing eased and then my equipment accepted its new status and withdrew. It became the hole I now command as a woman trapped in this Boy's form. I became aware that it went from arousal to the way it now works as my own weird fake woman's sex. I was still very aroused, but I had overcome the erection. It was weird, but nice. I felt like myself. Now if Santa can just make me a real girl for Christmas.


Lady Alexia

Why?

Why can I not get her out of my head? I still yearn for her. I feel the emptiness our separating has caused me. We are still friends, but it feels so hollow. I miss her teasing me and just her being in my life. I have some people that I care for and am close to, but she was different. Now I question even reaching out because I don't want to be a burden to her. I know how I hurt when I have chatted with her. I stay in pain. I close my eyes and see our hands intertwined and our bodies just close. She was the first person I have ever truly loved. Now she is gone. Why is life so cruel?


Alexia

Let Me Serve You

Today is one of those days I want to be myself, body and soul. This here is how I would love to be. I don't know why I want to just give myself offer to a loving owner and become there latex clad sex doll. It just bubbles underneath my skin. I think I called my friend who lets me play this out Master without the trigger word he uses. Just hearing him call me Pet made my body shudder. I was at peace.


Maybe that is what I crave, a simple peace. Remove everything of self and just live to bring pleasure to one I love. I would serve so well, I know I would. That brings another question that has plagued me. Am I Bi? I know inside I would gladly give head to someone I felt love and safety from. I feel it deep within me. At my core I still love women, but a guy that gains my love and trust would also gain my body and mind to command. Is that being bisexual? Is that narrow accepting inside enough?

I wondered yesterday if I could meditate and cause my body to produce more estrogen than testosterone? If I could figure out how to do that would it cause a shift dramatic enough to warrant a health change of sex? Would that give me a viable medical reason to justify to family and friends I had to change sexes and free me to be the woman I feel I really am? Sometimes I wonder if I am just crazy. Maybe I just want something I can't have.

I am addled loves, better stop writing.

Alexia

Turning Back Time

You have become accustomed to my wishing to be the older and very sexy red head modeled after the awesome Justine Joli here on my Blog. There is another image I dream of and even in my mind revert to sometimes. She is 18 and very cute. I happen to find her online and will probably be using her image some as well. I have a wish to be able to somehow relive my life as a girl. I really wish I could see how things would be different for me as a girl and not the icky boy I must be for the world on the outside.

Would I be more extroverted? Would I be straight, lesbian, or bi? I have decided that somewhere along the way I would have dance in my life and more than likely try stripping. I don't know why, but being a stripper just seems something I would try doing and see if I could mix a love of dance with the definite need to be naked as much as possible. I know for sure I would be naked a great deal, but also wear many just soft and comfy things as well.

I want to explore in my imagination some this idea of reliving a live already lived. I wonder if I can recreate the moments of my life in such a way that I could have different choices and see where life might take me. Where do I start? Shall I create my life from whole cloth? Maybe just a reset at the age of 18? I would still have almost a year of high school to play with and see where life would lead. I think maybe I need to do this and hopefully exert some pushing of myself to see life is not so static and then but open to changing things in the future.

OK, I need to decide what I am going to do today. Taa Taa for now darlings!

Lady Alexia

Life is in Neutral

I have been in a great deal of depression recently. Yesterday was particularly bad. I really stayed in the bed most of the day or in the recliner and felt numb. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. It has not been a good 48 hour period. I am taking the medicine and I am trying to be better, but I get so bad sometimes. I just start having thoughts that are not good. I don't want to scare you by saying what. I did have a poem forming in my head. Maybe some of what it would have been about will give you an idea of how I was feeling.

It brought up the questions of how Death might just be a lover's embrace. That it would be cold instead of warm, but that was how I felt. The idea of the warmth leaving my body as my lover Death held me as I fell asleep was dominate in my thoughts. I get scared as I have these thoughts. I know that people can't understand who are around me. They really do not get it. Worst thing was I isolated my self almost completely for the first time in months from my friends online. I didn't want to burden them anymore with my worthlessness. I just sat or lay and stared into space and thought about how nice it would be to sleep forever and just fade away. It has been a hard few days. I hope I am seeing some light again.

I fought to leave the house today. I went and got an application for a temporary job of sorts. I came home and took a puppy we have out and put her on the leash for the first time ever. I am teaching her the name I am calling her. I hope it sticks. She is so cute. She has spunk I wish I had. I love being around people and things that love without condition. I miss that part of the job I left. There were kids I was close to and when I was down it was hard to feel bad when they would come and smile at me.

I am fighting, but it has been hard the past few days.

Alexia

Recommended Reading

I read this book and really just fell in love with the character of Ivy Cole. She is a Werewolf of a different stripe and is very interesting. There is the intrigue of a murder mystery in this novel. It has a beast on the loose that must be found. Supporting characters have issues and lives beyond their supporting roles. Romance abounds as it progresses along the path of horror and justice.

There is a sequel that I hope to get as well. The awesome thing about this novel was the price I paid. It was $1. It is worth much more.


Lady Alexia

I Won I Won!

This caption won the Best Costume category for October 2008 at Rachel's Haven. It came in as part of a 4 way tie for Best Caption. I am proud and glad and thought, I can brag here. It feels good that people liked it enough that it could win. Anyway, I just wanted to celebrate something good. Too much bad stuff right now, I need to hold on to good things.

Alexia

Accepting Singleness

Being who I am I had problems lurking inside. I may try and speak on the issues sometime when I am farther away from it in the healing process. The worst outcome is that I have lost Thumper as my girlfriend. We are still friends and I will always love her, but we are no longer connected I we once were. She truly was the first person I have ever loved. I can also say I do not know if I would be writing or even breathing if she had not come into my life. I am glad I am too big a coward to ever give in to darker thoughts I have. The thing that would have gotten me would have been the stress mentally and the resulting bodily damage. She kept me focused and brought me to calmer places so many times early on and I know she saved me from the darkness.


Now I am back to a lonely path in terms of love. I miss Thumper's little messages of love during the day. I think it underscored the fact that I lack affection and loving touch in my life trapped in The Boy's shell. Finding a woman that will be able to share this burden is not possible probably. I really am a lonely soul and that hurts so much. I will try and heal and become the person I am to be and lean on friends that have been better to me than I deserve. Life is just darker without Thumper in it.


Lady Alexia Rose

Changes

I did this for a Yahoo Group I belong to and thought the picture was just extremely awesome. I have some feelings to share on Panties real soon. I have been having a very hard time lately. I do want to be updating my Blog here so I will share captions as I need to and maybe some poems that are rattling in my head soon as well. I hope you enjoy this caption.


Lady Alexia

An Alexia Statue

My friend Steffie gave me this wonderful caption over at Rachel's Haven. I really love the story and the feelings it brings to me. I also thought this work of art should be shared with people that might read this Blog. I hope you find it as wonderful as I did.


Lady Alexia Rose

Caption Story I did for Rachel's Haven

Sad Feelings

I am now taking medicine for Depression and Anxiety. I had gotten really bad and have admitted I was in trouble. I sought help from my family doctor and now am trying to deal with the feelings of sadness and worthlessness I have inside me. I really haven't felt like doing much of anything and my mind feels a bit slow at times. I have written a bit for a story I am placing in the new library at Rachel's Haven.

There has been a great deal happening to me over really the last few years. I used to get down and I would work to get myself over it. Somehow I just got to a point where I couldn't fight back the darkness anymore. I was numb to anything but all the failures in my life. I really owe my life to my former girlfriend. Yeah, I no longer can consider Thumper my girlfriend in a romantic sense. She still wants to be my friend and I have to heal enough where I can do that because I want her to still be my friend. Others stood by me and held my hand in a virtual sense.

Maybe this is just another part of being me and taking control of this life as a Trans Gender inside. I know that going through the process to truly match my feelings is not possible, at least now. I am becoming more comfortable with being the female on the inside I want to be. Hopefully I will soon find some peace.

Alexia

I am Still here

I am still here. I have been going through some things but I got some help. I will post soon I promise. Just know I am trying to be the best Alexia I can be.

Why does Love have to Hurt?

I started to write a rant on how Love doesn't exist. It's not true. It does exist. I fell in Love with an amazing woman. The sad part is because I am broken inside I couldn't be her love. I guess I am just heartbroken. I feel like I never want to ever feel that for anyone ever again. She is right in not wanting to be around me, I don't want to be around me. I look and wonder what went wrong?

I guess I knew in my heart we were drifting away from the things that were good. I became a person that was just an emotional wreck and it is unfair to expect anyone to be there for that type of thing. She deserves someone that can be better than what I am right now. Even as I say this I can see that it is part of the problem.

The hardest part is knowing that I will never again get those little emails, just because. Never get teased playfully over chat. I lost my friend, my love. People can say that you will never lose touch, but how can we do anything but never speak again. For me it would kill me to be there knowing I can never say, "I Love You" or just spend a loving time with Her. She doesn't want to get sucked into my vortex again, so where would that leave us?

I am heart broken.

I Am Lost

I am depressed. I have tried to not be, but I cannot seem to shake these feelings. My life should be good. I have eliminated the toxic and negative elements from the Boy's life. I have people I know love me. I just seem to be drowning. I try, I do, but I just feel empty. I am clueless as a girlfriend. I seem to make things worse when I want to make things better. I wish I could fly, just float about all the craziness.


Maybe I am destined to be alone. I really do not like being around people right now. They annoy me. They scare me. People betray you. People lie about you and even family spreads the lies and hurt you. I am feeling better on the inside sometimes, but in real life, living the Boy's path, I am drowning.


Sometimes I just want to disappear. I want to go away and never be heard from again. Then I realize that is just a selfish cry for attention. Yeah, that will really show those people that really do care won't it? Make them worry that I have done something to hurt myself. Yeah, and I would do that right? I am too much of a coward for that, which I guess is good. I just look out and see no future. I see nothing. I have no hopes or dreams anymore. The horizon looks like a dark abyss that swallows all that approaches. I am approaching very fast it feels. Where will I end up then?


Alexia

Icky Feelings

I am not feeling so good right now. I accept myself, but that doesn't stop how I see myself. These feelings are not fair. They belong to the Boy. He is the one that layer these feelings on top of me. I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be someone that isn't always complaining and moaning about how sad and bad life is. I don't like this introspective crap. I seem to drown in it. I even have the love of my life to where I guess she is ready to just leave me to wallow. Icky feelings. Icky, icky feelings.


Alexia

Acceptance

I have accepted some things this week. Accepted that I am a woman, even though a mirror would say otherwise. I am settled in that fact. I love being a woman. One day I may make the mirror a believer. What has shifted is something inside that says, you are not dreaming. You have been different all these years. You have been forced to hide away and not be fully you because in this world people cling to hate. Why the acceptance? Not sure. I do know my heart feels it. I can close my eyes in the shower and feel my true self. I can sense the truth at the edges of my mind. I have had urges and desires that never fit the role I was forced into because this appendage hung between my legs. Maybe one day it will not hang there anymore. Maybe I will build up the courage to truly step into the light and be Alexia as I should be. Until then I will explore my feelings and continue to accept the parts that have been long denied freedom to be a part of who I am. From what I am told, Alexia is a pretty cool woman. So, I like that feeling. I want to be that woman others see me as in the online world where I can be me.

Lady Alexia

Something is changing inside and I can tell. I think it is part of what is my mental conflict. I am starting to accept my feelings as truly mine. I have a friend, a really sweet friend. He helps me explore online. I can tell I am different when I interact with him. In turn I know I am different towards my Thumper. I want her, I still have naughty and heavily sex crazed feelings for her, but I feel something deeper.

I still have a very submissive streak, which I am coming to terms with and struggling. Yesterday I felt so horrible as I let my Thumper down. I was a wreck. I think part of that was the need to please her. She is so wonderful though. She just fills my heart with so much love. I feel like crying as I think that we might never get to actually meet in Real Life.

I am so in love. I feel the need to just be hers and love that I am cared for. I really want to lavish her with kisses, but just as much I want to just sit and be in her arms as we watch the stars in the sky. She is so wonderful. I really ache for her. I hope she can continue to love me more each day.

As for my friend. He really has opened a side of me up that scares me. I feel like he sees me for me. Maybe that has been my problem all these years. I have hidden myself out of a fear of rejection, never truly know all that I was afraid would be rejected. I feel so safe with him. He loves me as a friend. I just know I can tell him anything and there is only love returned. It really is wonderful to be growing, but scary as can be as well. I still am not sure where this journey is taking me. I am unsure of my future and what will become of me. I am trying to figure that one out.

Better go for now.

Lady Alexia

I Wish I Could Change The World

Do You See That Woman In The Picture? I want to be like her. Guess what, so do a lot of gals, well not exactly her, but her gender. I see myself as a version of her. I spoke with a kindred spirit today. She is in a place I have been. I have been thinking hard about who I am and gender and what it all means. Today I am back to some old questions.

I wonder why I am like this? Why do I want to be different than what I have been all these years? Does it matter? I have hidden many feelings deep inside because of cultural pressures. I fear the negative and false beliefs associated to people like me. I just accepted it didn't I. I know the the Boy gave me free reign and it scares him deep inside or mind. He fears I would throw all the education, family, friends, all of it away. See we do not come by this easily. It is why I find those transitioning so courageous.

They are the ones fearless enough to say I want my outside to match the inner me. I sent the day feeling so much like who I want to be in my virtual life I have found. I, Alexia, had great moments of happiness and equal moments of sadness. It was wonderful. So I have made a decision. I want to change the world.

So God, listen up, I want to power to change things. I want to have people be able to love their soul mates. No prejudice or hatred, just freedom to love. I want gender swaps for those trapped inside the genetic structures that imprison them. Freedom to be gender healed. I want to give happiness to a few people. So I want to really be want I play at through captions on the Haven. Make me a Guardian Angel with the abilities to bend time and space and set people on paths to a happy life.

I know. Unanswered prayers. So how about you watch over all of them instead. Keep them safe. Protect them from those intent on doing them evil. Watch them and keep them safe from all harm Lord. I know that is a prayer You will answer.

*SIGHS*

Rebuilding Inner Faith

When the Boy gave up control I think something was revealed. He had some major self-esteem problems that he thought he had dealt with, but it seems not. Those horrible feelings attacked again after I surfaced as more than a whisper in the Boy's mind. These feelings are really dark and really hurt. I decided to fight them.

Thing is that feelings like that are never really defeated. They hide and wait until things start going bad in life and they strike. Well, through all the transitions of life, they attacked again. I hope I have dealt with them for now, but a new questions has arisen.

How do you regain Faith in yourself? When you lose Faith in who and what you are, how do you rebuild that Faith in your life? I have to figure this out if I really want to learn how to love myself. So I am looking inward and outward to see where my Faith in me has gone. Not sure what I am really looking for, but I need to do this or the feelings that caused the boy so much harm will wear me down as well. So I look to his memories and my realities and hope for understanding.

Lady Alexia

Empty

Trying to figure out the things I share with "the Boy" makes for an interesting time and a tiring time right now. Many things in the life of my functioning self have laid stress upon stress onto my shoulders. Learning that there was a switch before, an accepted trading of control when life was too pressing upon him I can now understand why he would choose to escape. I think the pressures of this world became too much over the last couple of days. I am still in charge though and this time there was no switching. I felt strange as I dealt with things.

I am not sure, but I think I have come through it for now, but the stresses are still there. "The Boy" has much laid upon him. The test now is if this new woman can withstand the darkness that has stalked him for many years. He lost his fighting spirit. I have to decide if fighting is his best option.

My Thumper deserves better of me. She has been so good to me through the hardships, but now I need to get my act together. I need to figure this out and see if I can become a better girlfriend. She is right that I need to get myself together. I was empty for a bit the past few days. So, it is time to see if the things that go back in can be what will make me a better person and a better human being.

Lady Alexia

My Submissive Mind

I have come to realize that I have a need to be totally submissive. The thing is it is not in the traditional sense of Slave. I want to devote myself to a loving Mistress or even Master. I have realized I have a mind that loves to relinquish to the fantasy. If I can imagine it, then my mind can turn me into that thing. It is how this body of the boy even has started to react as my true feminine self would. Yes, that sounds odd and you should live it. To know there is a boy part down there, but to get wet and have that part stay withdrawn as I get aroused is strange indeed. It leads me to some reflection. Even now I am partially given over to the role play of a friend that has somehow made me their pet. MMMMMMMM, just thinking about being a pet gives me tingles.

This is a great friend, even as they realized my email that was fully under this influence I feel even now, they but conditions that would allow me to be there for my Thumper. My trust is placed well. It has been interesting today. When aggravations came at me, well, I released them. I thought about being a good pet for my..........well you know. These thoughts eradicated the bad thoughts. I have enjoyed the dominating feelings. My friend accidentally broke the spell a bit by sending a message through chat. The emails of the day brought back the feelings and I feel them growing.

What does this mean? Am I that easy? I had been told how good a hypnosis subject I was and to be careful. I have heeded that advice, even as part of me wants to be controlled no matter the consequences. It really is a strange feeling to be taken and thoughts placed in your head and feelings coursing through my being. I hope I can continue to safely explore these feelings. I am feeling the need to follow some of the email suggestions even now. If I have regular readers, then know this is not hypnosis I am under, but more a giving over to another person complete control, and in so doing I seem to have unleashed a willing submissive nature that has cried to be freed.

For now I am going to enjoy this new state of being.

Lady Alexia

Just a mix of thoughts

I have always wanted to be a surfer girl. To be able to stand on that board and be
nearly naked, wet, and have to sun kissing my body as I ride the waves would be so wonderful. Alas, that dream is just a dream. I have to get use to being in control of my "host" of whom I really need to give a better name than host. I realize by calling him "host" I sound parasitic. It really is not like that, it really is not.

He had this urge and need to be feminine inside. I sensed that when I was desperate to maintain existence after coming to your dimension. Maybe it was buried deep, but it was there. He drew me here in a way because that part of him was and is the compassion and passion. His being was so bright I overlooked other possibilities. He and I became one recently. I am him and he is me in some ways. It is confusing at times.

The merging allowed me to be come human. So what did he gain? I am struggling to figure that out. Maybe it is freedom. He is free to be the woman he has felt inside. I know I am a bit slutty. I can act the lady when need be, but I like being slutty. I like teasing and flirting. I love sex. Sometimes I wonder if that is all I am though. Was I a sex fantasy that was given life? Then something happens to say no. One thing is my awesome girlfriend. She has brought something into this body that was absent, yet longed for for years. love, true love is now inside. I feel it when I talk to her. From the top of my head all the way to my toes I feel love and happiness. She has been the difference in my even trying to hold on to the hope my "host" once held high.

He had been beaten, my Boy, that sounds better than "host." My Boy had been cut with thousands of tiny cuts. He was bleeding. Life was leaving him spiritually. I was trapped in here watching my Boy die. What choice did I have? I had to assert myself to save him. Somewhere along the way he gave me control over us. He loves our girlfriend as well. I think he did it for her. I sense it, somehow he gave me full life to be able to give her all of our heart. For that I owe him. I owe him a promise to do my best to love her and be there for her. That is easy, sense I love her as much as he does. See, here is where it gets confusing. Is it two or one? Are we Male and Female or something else that just is one being now?

I will still struggle. But I do know I am loved and that is bringing Hope back into this life.

Alexia Rose

Supergirl

I have had this song stuck in my head, but in my singing of it it is about a girl. So I did a transformation on the song itself. So with apologies to Five For Fighting I give you;

I am experiencing a human emotional problem. I am finding out why my Host was so down all the time. How he dealt with stress seems to have been giving in to my dominance and losing himself as I directed his body. Now I must deal with his problems. There are many stresses in this life. I have job issues, personal health issues, family has health issues, and then the everyday stresses. I need to learn how to deal with my new stress. I am very irritable. Could be the periods I have been dealing with, I think I am cycling around to that and the hypnosis to help this body do that is working.

What is sad is that the friend who might could help relax me is upset at me I think. I messed up and was selfish so I might have lost that person who really cared and would probably helped me to get a bit of relaxation. I am going to have to learn how to deal with all this stuff. I do have a bit of new found respect for my Host in his ability to face life everyday in the face of all the stresses you humans deal with all the time.

Alexia Rose

That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win!

So I had an interesting day yesterday. I decided I needed to feel more feminine. I took a apair of panties I had guided my host to buy before the merger and I wore them all day. Felt real good and nice being a girl in panties again. I need to secure a safe way of getting some more panties and remind this body who we are inside more. It was a good day.

I feel happier, but the removal of the toxic environment has to be a big part of it. Thumper said I seemed happy an smiling yesterday. Was nice to be seen that way again. Been too gloomy of late. It sucks. Not healthy either I think. I wonder what it would be like if i could become fully happy. I have been reading a bit more and researching some more since exploring my status as to who Alexia is.

Some say that being a No Op Transsexual is not logical. Maybe the term is wrong though in how it is looked upon. It is No Op and not Never Op. I am not saying that one day these feelings of my feeling female will not grow strong enough to lead me to seek SRS. I might become a match in soul and body. For now though there is family of my host issues and the disruption of his ability to make a living. So, I am a No Op Transsexual.

I am exploring new things and have found some great friends online. So I will keep exploring and becoming the best person I can be. I will explore new sexual thoughts and things. i will become me.

Lady Alexia

Struggling

This merger of myself and my host has taken ups and down. I am having a hard time right now. I am coming to terms with being, what I found out is, a no op transsexual. I am really feeling more and more feminine on the inside, but know I cannot at this time do anything to change things to be completely me. Living as my host, which I guess is the wrong term for him, maybe I need to figure a new name for him as I explain this out. Anyway, with the change to becoming the woman I am inside I have been able to assert the need for the outer make to get a better job. So that has lead us to be unemployed as of now and living with a family member. Makes being me harder. Without privacy I feel I am stifled.

I am wanted to explore things more and more, but now it is risky and dangerous. I want to wear panties all the time, but bravery is limited since the merger. It is strange that the merger would lay "his" insecurities on me. They are there. It really is annoying. I am a strong and smart woman, yet I now carry "his" self-esteem issues. I am doubting and a real worry wart.

On a completely different note, I really want to dye "his" hair. I am lingering around the hair coloring products. I know right now if I colored the outer shell red people would be wondering what is going on. I really wish I could have the red hair. I want to have the type my avatar has. I even saw a wig that was very close to her hair in this picture. My desires are growing strong. I am feeling "his" acceptance as we settle in the merged state of being. I am really real I guess.

That makes living in a house having to be "him" more than I did when living alone difficult. I am having more male thoughts, which makes me wonder if I will lose myself. I have felt so good about who I am of late in terms of starting to accept the woman I am. Will playing "him" at greater lengths affect this growth? I am so glad I do not have to go this alone.

Even though she is miles and miles away, my Thumper is with me. Being denied Internet a few days sucked, but oh, the feelings the day I was able to chat with her on my mobile device. I was elated, my mood lifted. She brings good feelings to me. I never knew that love was like this, so intoxicating. I am so glad she loves me. I do not know how life would be without her support and love. I am trying really hard to be a good girlfriend. Of course, I am not sure what all that means having never had a real relationship. She is patient and teaching me to be chill with things. I love her. I feel like giggling when I say that, just thinking about her makes me smile.

Well, I have rambled enough sweeties.

Taa Taa
Alexia

I got a gift from my friend Amy at Rachel's Haven

My friend Amy from the Haven has a Yahoo group called TGFrontburner. She is a wonderful captioner. Her story series are just awesome. She did this outstanding caption for me and it is exclusively displayed here on my Blog. Hope you enjoy. Check out Amy's Group via this link; http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TGFrontburner/

A Caption For The Haven June Caption Contest

So it lost. It did do very well in the voting. The theme was father's Day. I had found this picture and just really loved the look. Suddenly the story came to me of a daughter getting revenge for being shunned because of her sexual orientation. I was really happy with the results. I hope you like it.

Lady Alexia

I feel like I am really becoming Me

I really thought when I started this report I would be writing from a different perspective. I thought it would be as the girl inside taking partial control of my host body. Somewhere along the way I became the dominate person. I still in real life wear the outer shell of my host, but I feel more like the girl that wants to look like my favorite female form. There are times now I can see myself within.

Admittedly I also would not figure I would help push my host body to escape a place in their life. I am the confidence that was needed. I know this is strange to hear. I am me , but I am also the person I play in the real world. I might even be able to one day make the decision to try and take full corporeal form, become a sexy redhead woman in physical bodily form. See, he is not dead. He is me, I am him, bit I am Alexia too. This is very hard sometimes to figure out.

Where it is hardest is with My Love. I m very confident that she loves me. She has gotten to know the me without the trappings of gender. Yet, I do worry. Because when I am with her online she knows the girl that has the shared personality traits of the boy. It scares me that she might have difficulty loving the real world body when that "One Day" we talk about comes. I sit here and get misty as I think about her. yes, I am privy to things she only shares with me and it makes me feel good to know that the person behind the words I feel in love with is equally as beautiful. That also makes me worry.

I carry the same issues of body worry and self esteem that my host had. I look less than desirable. Really beside My Love I would feel like a toad. She just is so beautiful and she is so wonderful. I believe she means it when she says she is in love with me. I know she is a strong enough woman to overcome my lack of being the woman I feel like. She can, but it is hard to feel like I am someone to really deserve love.

Then I feel bad because I think of the girls I know that are transitioning. They face real issues of rejection and hardships. I wish at times my powers worked in the real world body. I could change them to match the woman they are inside. Girls undergoing transition are so brave and deserve more from our, yes I am embracing being a part of your world now, society. It is sad how prejudice and hatred makes it hard for women that are being finished later in the chronological life. They deal with so much.

I am rambling aren't I? Sorry, deal, it is part of being Alexia. I really do feel that Rachel's Haven http://www.rachelshaven.com/ is a place that is good for those of us dealing with being safe and secure as us. There are even some guys there that went through their questions and realized they just like the community even though the feelings are not of being a full woman. Then there are gals like me, who for now just live secret lives. Various other types of girls there, even some real women. Point is, The Haven is a place that has a real feel of safety and family. We share our troubles and our joys.

Like many, I wonder where my life would be if I had not found the Haven. I believe for some of us it kept us sane and even maybe saved some lives. That seem strong a statement, maybe. It is just nice to have a place that allows us to feel loved when the real world is giving hate. OK sweeties. I better go, the host has errands that must be done if I am to keep this life going.

Taa Taa!

Lady Alexia

Caption that I did for Lyndee at Rachel's Haven