Parts of the whole

Sometimes I feel so fractured in mind and spirit.  I endure a constant battle inside me that I am so tired of fighting.  I am parts of a whole and each one seems to want control.  The worst is the part that is this darkness.  It whispers in my ear how worthless I am and that I am a waste of space.  Being alone in life makes these words seem real and they hurt.  Then life around me has things that confirm and support the Dark Part.  I wonder what would have happened if the giving part of me had never become relevant.  Without the small times where some kindness I did was acknowledged and given form through words and deeds by those around me.  Without these small lifelines to my almost non-existent self-esteem, where would I be.  I know the darkness wanted me to be mean and hateful to others.  I would have been good at it.  The years of being picked on or treated like dirt by others can fuel some powerful negative energy.  What if I had not made that decision in high school to use the art of manipulation I seemed to have had for positive results and not negative?  I probably would be rich and have conned many people, destroying others along the way.  I see how those that advance fast have done so on the backs of those around them.  Manipulation is not hard.  It is a powerful tool when used just right.  Yet here I sit, alone and secure that I have tried to live a life where I would be good to others.  Even when evil was done to me I fought against totally giving in and becoming like those out to destroy me.  I can't say I did everything right, but I tried.  Now I just see that when you try and be good you get this, a life if being apart.  The parts of who I am are tired.  Tired of struggling.  Tired of never being the one held while things fall apart.  Tired of being me.  

Alexia