Life is just Blah.

Health issues all week.

Pain all week.

Just found out a job opportunity is now closed.

Life sucks.

Alexia

Numb

Today started with such promise.  I had the usual health pains and stuff, but I was functional.  All it took was being berated by the parental unit to spin into a state of high anxiety.  I was whirling and just spiraling.  My hands were shaking and I took a nerve pill.  I then just turned the lights out and placed the sleep apnea mask on and tried to go away.

I was mad.  I was depressed.  I was almost crying but that is painful in a mask.  I began fighting with myself in my head.  Then I just gave up and accepted that I am nothing and that is what I should be.  Some thoughts of just taking every pill I have and all the pills in the house floated through my head.  Then I figured I would screw that up and soon I was gone.  I know I dreamed, but I think they were disturbing.  I came to about two hours later.  I was in need of the bathroom and some water.  So I hydrated and just drifted back into the darkness.  This was my day and part of the night.

I just felt numb and still feel numb.  I would be better to all if I could just live in the world of my dreams.  I think about that a bunch.  I imagine my hand dissolving and the rest of my body following.  Just to cease to be at all.  I tried going to a place Mistress Kayla placed in my mind, but a storm was raging there.  I hate myself.  I hate myself so much.

Alexia

Tractor

Something strange happening down on the farm.

 

Wood's Wolf

I have always been fascinated and frightened of wolves.  It is a strange mix of awe and respect I have for these animals.  Werewolves just bring a different angle for me and my imagination.  I would like to become the she-wolf of this story.

Alexia

ICE CREAM

This one was to be an advertisement type cap for the Haven Quarterly.

Alexia

New Product

Another that was made for the Haven Quarterly.  I saw another cap made from this set of pics after I had turned this one in.  It was neat to see a different interpretation of the image.

Alexia

U R Mine

Beginning to place Caps that were submitted to Haven Quarterly.  I love the way they look in this picture.

Alexia

One Plus One Equals Nothing

 I would cry if the tears would come.  I am here as two persons and at the same time no one at all.  I lived so long as the boi without acknowledging the girl me except through sexual feelings and masturbatory fantasies.  Now I know she is me, the core of me.  The thing is the boi is me too right?  He has to live in the world and face all the hardships of living.  He is 40 and looks at a life of service to others where he has taken little pay for great amounts of work and sometimes abuse.  He has nothing that the world would consider showing anything for it.  The lives of kids he has been their for count for something, but in the end you can't live on that type of payment.  So he is lonely and seeing a bleak future.

Then there is me.  I am wanting the same as he, love, affection, and sex.  Intimacy is a craving that I want.  Yet, I am just alive in this cyber-space prison.  Never able to seek comfort as the woman I am.  Knowing I am forever denied being the person I should be.  I can't live in the world the boi does.  We would be destroyed.  A lifetime of helping and caring for kids would be disgraced by lies and prejudices.  I know that makes me a coward.  I am just a shadow hiding from who I am and afraid to become fully in the life of poverty and despair.  That hurts as well.


It all equals to my dreams of just fading away.  Just letting my body, mind and soul drift into nothingness.  That would be better than existing in a lonely place of no love, no touch, no hope.  Thing is I am a coward when it comes to anything like that as well.  My sense of caring for others stops me from seeking a final end.  Besides, it would not be like I fantasize, just melting away.  So I linger.  The boi who is not loved and the girl who is not loved.  Nothing of the most terrible type.

Alexia Rose

Depressed and just feeling lost.

I haven't written because I really just had nothing but the same to say.  I am depressed alot and when not working I sleep or just try and sleep.  I dream and think of being just a simple sex toy and wish so much I could let my mind just drain of all thoughts that would not be that simple.  One thing that is at least stable is my ability to masturbate.  If I was not able to do that I don't know if I could survive.  It is the only sexual release I have and I think it will be the only one I ever will have.  I am just a lonely depressed gal that is trapped by so many factors.  I look through the boi's eyes and see a profession I am moderately good at, but if people knew I was tg I would lose everything in terms of the little money I have.  That is the other thing, money.  I am just tired of being unable to be a normal person in terms of having cash.  The parental unit keeps me above poverty, but it should not be that way.  I hate it and just see even the small ways I try and make extra cash disappearing.

All I really want is to be similar to the pic of my avee gal.  I want cool red hair and a neat smooth pussy that is used to give pleasure to my Master or Mistress.  I realize I am attracted to both.  The more I accept that I am female at least in thought and feelings I can admit that I find both genders arousing.  In many ways I think pre-op transgender women are the most sexy.  I dream a great deal of having my mouth around a thick cock while looking up at gorgeous breast.  I am just a horny slut I guess.  Why can't there be real magic that would transform me into the girl I want to be? 

Alexia

Thank You Julia

If you notice I am no longer smoking in my avatar picture.  It is all thanks to an email from Julia.  Check the post that announced my not being around to see her comment that accompanied the email with this image when I returned.  It was a great surprise after a good week away.

Sadly, I got a cold from my travels.  I stayed away from the computer a bit.  Been so horny though.  I know that I am a bit of a nympho.  Really be nice to let that part of me just run wild.

Alexia

Be gone a week

I will be on a work trip for about a week.  So that is why I will be absent from posting.  The Boi will have to be very dominate.  Wish I weren't smoking in this avee pic.

Alexia

Not Good

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy.  The Boi has had a very bad week.  Kidney Stones have wracked his existence and then work gave him a jolt.  He was crying in his mind for our submissive Pet personality to take over.  Am I becoming disjointed from all reality or am I just dealing with reality in an unusual way?  The Boi was depressing and stressing a bit and it seeped into my being.  It is not good when you start visualizing your demise.  Just worn down by life I guess.  Wish I was entranced and living something else right now.

Does Love Die?

I really am dumb when it comes to Love.  I thought that little crushes were love as I went through high school and college.  It wasn't until 2008 that I really for the first time fell in love.  Many would say I was just obsessed and that it couldn't be love.  I have only seen her once in a picture she threw me as a lifeline during my descent into madness.  She was someone who made me feel like no other ever had.

I know that she really couldn't love me like I did her.  I don't have the body that could allow that from her.  Yet, I know she cares on some level for me.  It just is in a way where my heart gets constantly broken.  I take the blame for that because it is my not being able to just let go of what my heart feels that causes my pain.  Expectations that are not reasonable form and I feel hurt.  The last time was added too by the feeling that common acquaintances mislead me and the when I found out that she was once again very sick, I was angry at those that I felt had not told me.  It also was very hard not to feel hurt towards her, even though she could not do anything.

Everyone tells me to get out and find someone.  If it were that easy i would have someone.  Now I am just in a place where I don't ever see anyone ever falling in love with me.  The real world also holds a barrier as I have the hidden self that yearns to be free and allowed to live as a woman.  It is an impossible dream in so many ways.  I just have so much that feels wrong and I can never see a future where i am loved in any way except in my role as a person who is there for others.  There is an imbalance in my heart.  

I apologize for the crazy talk and the depressing posts.  I guess I am feeling the need to just speak out these feelings and just try and give life to myself.  If I ever do win the lottery..........

Alexia

Cravings

I am so selfish.  I crave affection.  I crave intimacy.  I crave being noticed I guess.  I know distance grows and I am in an isolation of my own making.  I just wish I could live inside cyberspace.  I wish I could become the object of those I wish desired me.  I read the actual two volume graphic novel for "THE SURROGATES" and found myself wishing we had that technology.  I would sacrifice this prison of flesh for a body that allows me to be seen as my true self.

I think it is true about those of us who are single having shorter lifespans.  I feel less inclined to take care of my self.  Why should I?  There is no one that I come home to and feel safe with as their arms surround me.  It is a feeling of despair that hovers around you all the time.

For a long time here on-line I tried to be a presence who cared for those that feel like me.  I tried to be a person that gave affection.  It just feels that I gave and somewhere along the way I gave out.  I have nothing left.  I am just a lonely, whiny, selfish girl.

Alexia

Wow, it has been a while

Life has been extra hectic the last month or so.  My real life job has been draining me emotionally as I have dealt with so people with major issues.  The chaos they have brought into that environment has been staggering.  I also just have lost all desire to be at times.  I feel lost in the one place I can be the true me.  

Reading stories has become the main outlet for me.  Even more than porn vids.  I dream of being something else besides the pathetic boi I am.  My health is not good I think.  It has also been a real struggle with my triggers that push my depression along.  I am a mess and i guess I can see why I am not able to have a relationship either in real life or on-line.  

I dream many dreams now where I am entranced and made a servant to my Master and his whims.  He is always a very well built Black Man with strange magical powers.  I am often licking another of his thralls while he fucks my pussy raw.  Then I wake up and feel empty.  

I am working right now to self-trance myself before bed in the hopes of dreaming of being a real girl and being loved.  I just thought I would check in and let those who cared know I am alive and still screwed up.

Alexia

Submitting to be controlled

One thing I desire immensely is to become a hypnotic slave to a loving person.  I get so aroused and thrilled by being tranced.  So far it is only mP3's and some chat trances.  Oh, but to one day be totally submerged in the control of another, it would be bliss.  I imagine the act now and just fall softly into a self-imposed trance.  My new Mistress has had me create a place in my mind and it seems to be where I end up.  I dream in there of her changing me to fit her whims and making me a sex toy.  Life would be so much easier if it were that more and the problems I face looking after others less.

*SIGH*

Alexia

"Somedays I'm Your Super Bitch"

I know it was bitchy, its why I used Cristina's lyrics to title this one.  It has been a month.  I really just was curious in a way.  I had been busy and entering a hectic time.  I noticed I had missed two weeks on the Blog.  My bitch side took over and just wanted to see if anyone would miss me.

Seems no one did.  I stayed off of Rachel's Haven as well.  I apparently wasn't even missed.  I have become so non-active that I guess I don't exist anymore.  I watched so many I was close to leave.  I realized I was not able to be a part of the communities like I was at first.  Part of me wonders if I were still as messed up if I would have stayed as connected.

Isn't it weird how when I was off kilter I was more desirable to be around.  Start trying to get better and you become lost.  I miss a few people, but I guess I am just not enough fun to be missed.  Sorry about that being away stuff.  I hope to be the rest of the lyrics and "Keep Getting Better."

Alexia Rose  

Stably Unstable

I am having health issues of the other kind.  I don't know what is wrong with the right side of my head.  It hurts right around my ear, outward and downward.  I really feel bad when it hurts.  I cheated and ate some yummy Easter candy and I think my sugar has spiked.  Otherwise I am doing OK I guess.

Part of me is worrying about how I responded to Star.  Her message came at the worst time.  I was really under a depressive state and the meds were messing with me.  I was probably short with her.  That is wrong since really she can't help the situation.  I just know my heart can't take it.  I am more angry at those that probably knew what was happening and just glossed over it when I asked about her.

Otherwise I just want to be used.  I wish I could have a cock ramming my pussy while I eat out a sexy gal.  That would be nice.  Kisses lovelies!

Alexia   

Kinda Normal Crazy for Now

I think it helped me to write the crazy down during this last period of depression and anxiety.  Probably didn't do anything for those of you that read my Blog other than think I am even nuttier than you thought before.  It has been a rough week.  I am still not sure what to do about somethings or how I feel about some things.  

I do know that the pill for extreme cases makes me not be horny.  I had zero desires during the period those two pills were working.  Not sure if that is good or bad.  I like feeling horny in a bunch of ways.  Still, it keeps me from thinking of how to remove myself from this world and I guess that is a positive.  I still want to fade away, but I am not actively thinking of how to accomplish it.

I think it is bedtime.  Have a headache from the changing weather.  Hope you all are doing well.

Alexia  

Numb

I am breaking free of the medication fog a bit.  I feel really numb emotionally, with spurts of anger and self-hate.  Makes it hard to move into my job tonight with the kids.  Hard to express that they should love themselves enough to resist dark things when I really have no love for myself.  

I have to put on the boy suit that hides my true self.  It is hard to keep from expressing myself as a male when I have so many girls in crisis.  The female me is hurting for them and I know for society's rules I can't really help in ways that matter because I am not outwardly the gender needed.

I am really messed up inside.  I probably was kinda short in replying to Star.  Yeah Star sent me messages and the health issues I was worried about were the deal.  I figure that some I reached out to knew this and just didn't tell me.  I was messed up on the med when I replied, so I now think back and figure I was not nice, no really mean, just a numb reply.  Probably let my hurt in too much.  

If I had the social skills to deal with relationships, then I guess I would not be a 40 year old virgin T-girl stuck in a male body.  As the Firefly quote goes, "If wishes were horses we all would be eating meat."  The picture here is how I wish I appeared.  I bet I would have no problem, even if I were shy finding a girlfriend or a boy to play with.  people like me live in a prison.  We can't really trust anyone.  For me if my town discovered I was Transgendered, I would be demonize.  All sources of income would be ended.  I bet many already think I am gay.  Being 40 and single in this area just has those assumptions.  Now I even have to think about how dishonest I would be if I did find some woman interested in me.  

Time to get in the costume and be the boy for a few hours.  I am glad to know Star is doing better, I just wish I could let go enough where I don't hurt so much every time she disappears.

Alexia

Was a Two Pill Whammy

Never felt the need to take two of the pills in 24 hours until now.  My head is swimmy.  I feel really bitchy too.  I ache in my neck joints.  Just want to rest and not feel anything.

Had to Take Emergency Pill

My Dad has no idea what his little tantrums do to me.  I try and balance living here with the way he blows up at stupid things or when I am off in the head.  Today on top of growing dression we had a fight.  It left me spiraling into thoughts of wanting to be dead.  I took the Clonazepam this time.  My mind is slow right now.  I spent all day in the dark and in the bed.  Just another pitiful day in my life.  

I got messages from Star, she was sick, which is one of the things I figured.  Figure some of the people I asked about her knew that and just decided not to tell me.  So that feels good.  I really am only struggling to move forward because of what it might do to the kids I work with, but really.....I just want to go to sleep.

During my laying down today, I wondered what it would mean about those that know Alexia.  There is no one to let anyone know if I am gone.  Figure most just would move on and not miss me.  It is funny how I miss people, but I don't even know. 

I Am A Weird Mess

Last night when I turned the computer off I had the most terrible wave of sadness wash over me.  I don't know why.  It just was a sudden feelings of extreme sadness and maybe loss.  The best way is to describe it as coming on like dizziness when you stand up too fast.  It really is a new and strange development.  Not a good one either.

I also wish I knew how to let go of someone.  I am having a hard time not thinking about, well not My Star I guess, just Star.  It should be easy.  It has been months since I have gotten any communication from her.  I should feel dismissed and just be able to push my feelings away, right?  It seems that since I made the decision to give up there ever even being a friendship at all, my mind and heart are obsessed.  I drive home from work and see the stars in the night sky and wonder how she is and how she would love to see the sky.  I see a report about someone on the news that has the same affliction as her and wonder if she is doing OK.  

Star is a person that makes decisions and when her mind is made up it is rock solid.  I wish so much I could do that right now.  For me it is constant questions of if I really meant anything to her.  I thought I did.  I figure that people from the Haven that know us from the time we met there are just tuning out and thinking how pitiful I am.  I think back to when Star was in pain and hospitalized and I asked her if anyone was there for her?  "You" was her reply.  It broke my heart.  I realize we fed each others darkness when we met and for months after, but for me there was times where the only time I felt cared about was when she communicated with me.

I know others send me messages and say I am remembered and I am not alone, but with her it felt just a bit different.  She never realized I bet that just her silly messages of one sentences made me have hope in things outside of my control.  It is like a hole is in my heart.  I just miss her being in my life, even in a very small way.

Alexia   

Masterbation as Self-Medication

As I was rambling along chatting with a friend I stumbled upon a thought.  I know many of us out here in cyberspace are suffering from depression.  We are in a constant state of emotional highs and lows.  I started wondering about when I play with myself during my depressed periods.  Does that act become a form of self-medication?

I know from familial experience that a person that is bi-polar say will use alcohol or even other types of prescription drugs as a way to self-medicate.  Could it not be the same with us?  I know that getting lost in my female desires and rubbing my fingers in and out of my little hole with my tiny little clitty-cock pushed in gives me the orgasms I want and wish for.

Does the endorphins I release serve to bring me up from my depressed state to be able to face the real world?  It is interesting.  Makes you wonder.

Alexia  

One Sided Love

I feel abandoned.  It has been over two months since I have heard from the woman I call my Star.  All I have found out is that there was a new job, which was the last message I had from her.  I guess the time I felt would come has arrived.  I just guess I thought at least I would get a good-bye.

In 2008 I met the most wonderful woman ever.  We both were screwed up and only existed on-line. but it was funny how slowly we became a part of each others lives.  I understood the hesitation on her part and the way she held back.  What she did share made me want to just take her in my arms and never let go.  I didn't realize that I was falling in love really, I had never really been in love until then.

As I said, we were both screwed up and at the time I was accepting the truth about myself and my desires to be a female.  Add the stress of very mean people in my real life that were just doing horrible things to me and I was a mess.  As a result, I hurt her and I realize that the fact that after a time I was allowed back into her life was a blessing.  Things though were never the same.  I said I had fell in love and I meant it.

During our time together she faced a major medical crisis.  One of her reply's during chat before she went into surgery broke my heart.  I felt helpless.  The woman that my heart now belonged to was hundred of miles away and might not even make it through surgery and I was now cut off and alone.  I lay in my bed that night and I threatened God.  I told God that he was cruel to allow me to meet her and then let this happen.  I told God that if she died that was it, I would turn my back on him and what he had asked of my life.  Her death would mean I was through doing any of the work asked of me.  I cried myself to sleep.

I knew we could never be together.  I was the wrong gender and nothing was ever going to change that fact.  Yet, I had someone who I thought at least did care.  Maybe that was just my side.  I have always felt that maybe she was just humoring me.  Maybe I was just being kept from harming myself if she just left back then.  I believed some promises made, but I guess those were just my side as well.

I will never forget her.  I will always love her.  I will always say a prayer from her every night.  For now I just hope she is well and that life treats her well.

The Broken Hearted  

Swallowed by Darkness

Last Monday I experienced a heavy dose of Depression with very dark thoughts.  It was so bad that I scared myself.  I did something I have never done when like this and it scared me very much.  I had written a paragraph of a crazy rambling post and suddenly stopped and wrote what I did instead.  I will try and write more later this week.  Right now I am still really fluctuating in depression, but I am maintaining.

Thank you to all who reached out....I am sorry I scared any of you.

Alexia Rose

When you don't Love Yourself

Those that believe in a higher power, please pray for me.

I Dislike V-Day.

I really do not like Valentine's Day.  It is not the fact that it is a made up Holiday to make money between Christmas and Easter, no, I do not like it because I am always alone on V-Day.  It is a day that is a constant reminder of how lonely I am and just causes so much depression in my mind as I go on with life.  I see all the mush romantic stuff and yearn for that myself.  Here I am 40 and trapped as the wrong gender and I can only dream about Love.  It hurts deeply.

If you have someone special in your life, PLEASE, do not take them for granted.  Tell them you love them.  Show them what they mean to you.  Some of us would love to have that in our lives.

Alexia Rose 

Update on Life as a Non-Op TransGender Gal

The Sinuses have cleared up.  My head is having terrible pains with the shifting Air Pressure from the crazy weather.  Tuesday was horrendous, but I made it through.  I know I haven't been very creative.  It is a combination of depression and not taking any insulin right now.  I am trying to manage the Diabetes with just the other meds and diet.  Makes me tired and the depression saps my creative gumption.

I have been trying to focus my dreams.  I almost was able to shift my POV as myself.  I could see myself as the cute redhead with short hair in a mirror.  It was just hard to maintain a focus that kept my POV from shifting to seeing me instead of seeing out through my eyes.  I had a cute swirly red/pink paisley gauze top.  My aureoles were visible but blended into the fabric design.  No bra of course.  I had a very lite yellow colored vinyl or latex pants on.  Sensible green flats.  It was a cool look.

Eventually I tried to focus the dream to being made love to by a hunky guy.  One try I did get a POV of pleasuring a gorgeous woman.  I am horny alot.  I would be such a slutty gal if I had my true body.  Could you make enough doing porn to help out a bunch of charities?

One thing that is extremely hard right now is not feeling safe to be on Google Plus as my true female self.  I just have a fear of exposure and loss of Google Account.  Also a fear that the streams might get crossed sometime and I end up out there as the wrong body.  The boy is on.  I have a few followings that are Trans people.  I want to share sometimes that I am one of them, not just a kind person who sympathizes.  That would be a scary step in many ways...exposing the secret and risking someone mean ruining my life.

On a personal note, Bren, contact me.  I am worried about you and its been almost two months.  No silly insults or threats of spankings......it is not like you so I am worried.

Alexia    

Been Sick

I hate being sick.  Went through 2 boxes of tissues in three days.  Ears have been the worst.  On antibiotic now.  Hope to be better soon.  Yucky sick....Hate it.

Alexia Rose