Existing

There are a hundred things I should be doing right now.  I seem to have to fight nowadays to just get going.  I want to just sleep and let my mind wander.  That is where I can be free from the sadness and loneliness.  I can think of things like I did last night.  I thought about really finding a computer program like in the Erotic Mind Control Archive that is called the Master PC.  I could change reality to where I was always a lovely red haired gal and be in my same job and life.  Then I internalized the reality changing magic of the program and I have the powers I have thought about for so long.

 

I immediately go and heal Rachel, Jillisa, and Bren.  It takes some creative talking to find them, but I do and each gets the health that they deserve.  No more pain and hospitals.  No more doctors not listening.  It is one thing I desire most to be able to do.  I visited Nick.  Somehow my mind stopped short of things between my Sweet Boy and My Star.

 

This depression is different.  I don't just wish myself away.  No scary thoughts of how to end my life, maybe the pill I take is working with that respect.  It is just sadness and loneliness.  Just a sense of being tired and wanting to just not move.  Like a meditation or something.  I have been reading runs of comics, so I know I am falling into my safety zone.  I want to eat constantly, so it is good the house is not filled with stuff I crave.  I just and struggling.  I need to get the Boy in gear and have him get his responsibilities met.

 

Alexia 

I am numb

I really am just writing because I have no one to talk to.  That is part of what my Blog has become I guess.  I am so empty feeling.  I wonder how "the Boy" has anything to give others like he does.  We both share this feeling.  Somehow he still reaches out to others and gives pieces of ourselves to others.  I see it killing us.  He is lucky in many ways.  I seem to get the feelings that are negative.  I know I am talking crazy, but it is my Blog and I can do that.  Maybe I am protecting him....I know he is as lonely as I am, we are the same inside.  He is so scared.  He knows that it will be the end of him if anyone ever knew he was really a girl.  No pitchforks and torches, but the end of a life.  

I know that we are both tired.  We just want to let go and be nothing at times.  It would be so nice to not exist I think.  That little fantasy we have of being from a place devoid of physical being is attractive now.  When you are never touched.  When you feel unloved.  I guess you long for surroundings that equal your place in this life.  Why is it so important to be embraced?  Why is important to have a real kiss? Why do I miss something that has only ever occurred in my imagination?  

I want someone to hold hands with, to snuggle under a blanket with, to feel like someone cares about me.

Alexia

Not Sure Why I am Still Up?

I am awake and tired.  I know if I lie down my mind will race with ideas for stories, imagined conversations with people, and just random things that will keep me from rest.  I am in such a hard place right now.  I am down and sad.  I long to be touched and have day dreams that involve that.  I honestly think not having any intimate contact is killing me inside.  I force myself to be "The Boy" and live.  All the while I just want to surrender and be girl that is loved.

My talk of late must seem whiny.  I guess that is why even those at the Haven never seem to talk when I have tried in the past to chat or email.  They are right I guess to stay away from my moods.  Bren foretold this, she said that if I was away much I would not stay connected.  I use to be invited to be a part of things.  I enjoyed the football pick thing.  S'funny how you can be a part and then not.  I guess if I had something to offer it would be different.  All I ever had was the biggest crush ever on my Star and craziness that became so unhealthy I was like I am tonight, up way too late.  Tonight though I am alone.

Being depressed is the most illogical thing in the world.  All the fears and insecurities just drown you.  I guess I should be happy that it is just sadness.  That is funny happy for sadness.  What I mean is that at least I am not having the thoughts of how to end my life.  No, tonight and right now it is just this empty feeling.  I guess it will be worse as the big day approaches.  the big 40.  I will be a 40 year old virgin.  A childless loser.  Part-time pay in a world where I am expendable.  

I know, I am babbling.  It is what my head is like if I were laying in the bed.  I dream of weird things.  I had a scary dream the other night.  I was trying to keep these children safe from a killer.  We were in a building and he was after us and I had to keep them moving.  I have a bunch of dream like that where lives are in danger.  At least I have not had the one where the Nazi shots me in the head in the apocalyptic world.  That one always wakes me with my heart racing and the feeling I died.  I wonder if the Sleep Apnea Machine helps keep that one at bay?

I should at least try and sleep.  

Alexia