I am still around

I know I have been away from the Blog and have probably worried some of you.  I am under the control of Depression, but just not the suicidal thoughts.  Right now it is the sleep and irritable parts.  I work and then just crash.  Probably the Diabetes has some effect as well.  I did want to write something so people would know I am here, just not inspired to write anything.  I did get one caption a month ago made for the Haven Quarterly.  Can't share it because it is exclusive to that publication.

I masturbate and read porn a lot.  The one good thing about having a small little cock is that it has learned to not become erect.  I like that feeling of being close to girlhood.  I sometimes wish that deformity of flesh that hangs below was gone as well.  Still, I seem to be at peace in terms of how my sexual solo acts work.  Still dream of being of service to a Master and Mistress.

My long hair has done something interesting.  At times I am being called ma'am.  I get an inward smile.  The funniest is when they are confused.

Just wanted to check in Sweeties.

Alexia Rose  

In my head.......

 I feel the collar bringing my deepest desires into reality.  Gone is all traces of the Boy and left is the woman I am.  Through the tight undergarment that secures my precious treasure moisture forms.  My head jerks with the pull of the chain and I know Mistress is displeased with my slowness in meeting her needs.  My mind begins to clear as I bend and take my punishment like a good girl.  Each strike makes me want to please her.  I resist the urge to finger my newly formed sex.  I know Mistress deserves an obedient slave.  I cross my legs to increase the tension of my ass cheeks.  Soon I will be given the commands that will allow me to show my devotion to this Goddess of Feminine Power.  My clit throbs as I feel my body flush with arousal.  The punishment is at an end.  My Mistress whispers soothing words in my ear.  Instructions that I eagerly await to follow.  She rubs a cooling salve over my red buttocks and then removes the impediments to my oral devotion.

She pulls my chain so my head descends rapidly to her sweet treasure.  Grabbing my hair she commands I pleasure her.  I quickly begin to lick and suck on her lips, building a slow dance with my tongue before diving into her soft folds.  I lap as the hungry doggie she wishes me to be.  My own pleasure is nothing, only she deserves pleasure.  I work a steady rhythm as I lick and tease her folds.  I gather her nub above my probing tongue and gently play with it.  Soon a am sucking and working her treasure as a skilled musician would play their instrument.  I feel her squirm and writhe in sweet joy as her crescendo builds.  She is resilient and enables me to work her over and over again as I taste the nectar of my Goddess.  Her juices energize me and allow more effort on my part to keep her riding wave upon wave of rapturous pleasure.   My nipples harden as I hear the gasps of enjoyment leave her lips.

I continue to tease her outer folds as she pulls my hair to guide my carnal work.  I nip and tenderly bite between using my tongue to penetrate her most sacred well.   She tells me of how pleased she is with me.  each word making my arousal grow.  The phrase Good Girl triggers my hypnotic commands and makes me shudder as I work her over and over.  Soon I feel the vibrations of release well inside her.  I clamp my mouth over her and begin drinking of her nectar as I feel my own wetness increase.  She is screaming Good Girl and I suck harder while completing the sexual circuit we have created.

She lies back panting as I kneel beside her.  Soon she gathers enough strength to rise and guide me to her bed chamber.  I strip naked as does Mistress.  I curl up in her waiting arms and drift off into a pleasant sleep inside her protective embrace.  Her breast warm my back as her hand slowly caresses my body.  She tells me she loves me and we will always be together.  I know that when I take the collar off I will still be hers and I smile.

Existing

There are a hundred things I should be doing right now.  I seem to have to fight nowadays to just get going.  I want to just sleep and let my mind wander.  That is where I can be free from the sadness and loneliness.  I can think of things like I did last night.  I thought about really finding a computer program like in the Erotic Mind Control Archive that is called the Master PC.  I could change reality to where I was always a lovely red haired gal and be in my same job and life.  Then I internalized the reality changing magic of the program and I have the powers I have thought about for so long.

 

I immediately go and heal Rachel, Jillisa, and Bren.  It takes some creative talking to find them, but I do and each gets the health that they deserve.  No more pain and hospitals.  No more doctors not listening.  It is one thing I desire most to be able to do.  I visited Nick.  Somehow my mind stopped short of things between my Sweet Boy and My Star.

 

This depression is different.  I don't just wish myself away.  No scary thoughts of how to end my life, maybe the pill I take is working with that respect.  It is just sadness and loneliness.  Just a sense of being tired and wanting to just not move.  Like a meditation or something.  I have been reading runs of comics, so I know I am falling into my safety zone.  I want to eat constantly, so it is good the house is not filled with stuff I crave.  I just and struggling.  I need to get the Boy in gear and have him get his responsibilities met.

 

Alexia 

I am numb

I really am just writing because I have no one to talk to.  That is part of what my Blog has become I guess.  I am so empty feeling.  I wonder how "the Boy" has anything to give others like he does.  We both share this feeling.  Somehow he still reaches out to others and gives pieces of ourselves to others.  I see it killing us.  He is lucky in many ways.  I seem to get the feelings that are negative.  I know I am talking crazy, but it is my Blog and I can do that.  Maybe I am protecting him....I know he is as lonely as I am, we are the same inside.  He is so scared.  He knows that it will be the end of him if anyone ever knew he was really a girl.  No pitchforks and torches, but the end of a life.  

I know that we are both tired.  We just want to let go and be nothing at times.  It would be so nice to not exist I think.  That little fantasy we have of being from a place devoid of physical being is attractive now.  When you are never touched.  When you feel unloved.  I guess you long for surroundings that equal your place in this life.  Why is it so important to be embraced?  Why is important to have a real kiss? Why do I miss something that has only ever occurred in my imagination?  

I want someone to hold hands with, to snuggle under a blanket with, to feel like someone cares about me.

Alexia

Not Sure Why I am Still Up?

I am awake and tired.  I know if I lie down my mind will race with ideas for stories, imagined conversations with people, and just random things that will keep me from rest.  I am in such a hard place right now.  I am down and sad.  I long to be touched and have day dreams that involve that.  I honestly think not having any intimate contact is killing me inside.  I force myself to be "The Boy" and live.  All the while I just want to surrender and be girl that is loved.

My talk of late must seem whiny.  I guess that is why even those at the Haven never seem to talk when I have tried in the past to chat or email.  They are right I guess to stay away from my moods.  Bren foretold this, she said that if I was away much I would not stay connected.  I use to be invited to be a part of things.  I enjoyed the football pick thing.  S'funny how you can be a part and then not.  I guess if I had something to offer it would be different.  All I ever had was the biggest crush ever on my Star and craziness that became so unhealthy I was like I am tonight, up way too late.  Tonight though I am alone.

Being depressed is the most illogical thing in the world.  All the fears and insecurities just drown you.  I guess I should be happy that it is just sadness.  That is funny happy for sadness.  What I mean is that at least I am not having the thoughts of how to end my life.  No, tonight and right now it is just this empty feeling.  I guess it will be worse as the big day approaches.  the big 40.  I will be a 40 year old virgin.  A childless loser.  Part-time pay in a world where I am expendable.  

I know, I am babbling.  It is what my head is like if I were laying in the bed.  I dream of weird things.  I had a scary dream the other night.  I was trying to keep these children safe from a killer.  We were in a building and he was after us and I had to keep them moving.  I have a bunch of dream like that where lives are in danger.  At least I have not had the one where the Nazi shots me in the head in the apocalyptic world.  That one always wakes me with my heart racing and the feeling I died.  I wonder if the Sleep Apnea Machine helps keep that one at bay?

I should at least try and sleep.  

Alexia

My Mind is Weird

I wish I felt like being sexy right now.  I am in a strange place.  I know I am suffering the effects of depression.  I cannot sleep.  I am grouchy.  I am just divided between wanting to just let go and be me and the reality of the responsibilities the "boy" has to do.  I want to just leave this body and be in one that has curves and can wear bikinis and one where men and women desire me.  Is that too much universe?

I went to bed praying for God to change me.  I know it can happen.  A woman in the US experienced it.  She had a bee sting that somehow restarted the glands that would have made her female when younger.  She is now living as she should have been.  The changes helped her become fully who she was and after the surgeries finished it, well.....I know it is possible.  For my situation that could be the way to have things happen.  I wish I knew how to make that happen.

I have some cap ideas.  One thing though I have been doing is making caps for the Haven Quarterly eZine.  It helps raise money to run the site.  That helps Rachel a great deal and it is a way this broke ass gal can help out.  That means that they are exclusive to the Haven.  Sorry.  Just be patient.  I might get back to sharing my fantasies soon.  Right now I just really want to be taken and used.  Or have My Star hold me again.....but I know that will never happen.

Alexia

Hello Sweeties.

I have been in a weird place mentally.  The boy has been busy and I have just kinda stayed back and really just been an online hermit gal.  I would get on YIM and just feel left behind or alone.  I didn't want to burden the people that care about me and I had no one to just have sex with over chat.  I saw a mention of something I had been a part of some time ago at the Haven and felt a bunch of sadness because I have been left out of being included for a few seasons now.  Just being reminded of that hurt a bit more than I realized.

I carry a great deal of guilt over My Star.  I don't chat much with her.....just enough to see how she is doing.  It hurts, even as I write this it hurts thinking about her and the fact that I can never even have a chance.  I hate having this dam ugly male container.  I know it is selfish to still love her after everything, but my heart hurts just knowing I will never be what she can love back.

In about a month's time I will be a 40 year old virgin.  The silly thing is that I doubt I could have sex as a guy, I don't know.....I mean I have such small equipment and I have accepted so fully my self that I cannot see it.  I desire to lose my virginity as a girl would.  So I am screwed up huhn?  I can't even get laid on YIM.  I am so horny all the time and just would love to be used and to have sex like the slutty gal I am, but I guess being careful limits that score.  I seduced my sweet boy a few weeks back.  I really just pulled out all the stops and it was so wonderful.  I miss My Star though.  I have never been as in sync over chat with anyone else.  She was like a conductor playing us a symphony as be made love.

Sorry about being so whiny.  I just feel bad.  I can't find any energy and when I do have it, the needs of the boy's life must come first.

Alexia

Where I've Been

Reading THE CLAIMING OF SLEEPING BEAUTY, Jilly I am sending to you when done.

Work.

Kidney Stones this week.

Death in the Family.

Just wanted to let you all know I am OK and just dealing with life right now.

I am also working to have a Yard Sale.

Alexia

I Wonder....?

 I wonder what it would feel like to put my lips over a cock and let my tongue explore?  I wonder if he would like how I suck his cock?

 I wonder what it would feel like to make love to a strong black man?

 I wonder if his cock would even fit into my mouth?

 I wonder how it would feel as he split my pussy wide with each thrust of his cock?

I wonder if I will ever find someone to fill my needs like this?  Will I ever be the woman bent over and receiving her Master's love like this?

Alexia

Naked Thoughts

I made it back from my trip.  I have been really aroused since being back.  It is different from horny I think.  My Sweet Boy took really good care of me last night.  I basically seduced him.  *SIGH* He treats me so well.  I miss my Jillisa.  She has been down with her Internet.  That is where she is gals of the Haven.  My Star is in my thoughts as well.  She really needs to pop up on YIM soon.

I have been thinking about the Olympics.  They should be Naked.  I mean that is how they started.  All those clothes are icky when one thinks about it.  Women's Beach Volleyball would be so awesome.  Today that gorgeous Spaniard would have been so sexy scoring and stretching with nothing on but her tight and toned muscles.  Men's Gymnastics would be a hoot.  Cocks swinging everywhere.  It is fun to imagine what the games you are watching would be like in the nude.  Fencing might be a bit dangerous though.

Kisses
Alexia

Be Gone This Week

I will be gone this week.  It is work, but it is at the Beach.  So I will try and not get burned.

Update

Hi my peeps!  *giggles*  I would not have found that funny earlier today.  I think I became dehydrated last night from a side effect of my meds.  I was not much for anything or anyone today.  I did want to catch up and let you followers know I was OK.  Just been in a busy time and until my insulin situation is cleared up I am just on a roller coaster of feelings.

I have had a wonderful couple of encounters here in my online life.  Each has been wrapped around my hypno fetish.  I am on a bit of a high.  I am dreaming more about being submissive to a strong woman and also a strong man.  I know my perfect life would be to be a Pet from two loving owners and live with them forever.  I know of a couple that would be a fantasy come true if I could be magical.

I have done caps for the Haven Quarterly eZine.  One day I can share them, but for now you can buy them at Rachel's Haven.  I encourage this as it helps keep the site running and it is probably the largest one stop for captions, stories, and role play of a TG nature.  I will leave a link below.

Bye Sweeties
Alexia Rose

Click Here to Find Out How to Purchase

Sorry Sweeties

I have not been feeling well.  I am unable to afford one medicine and have been off it for a bit.  Sometimes I run out of energy.  I have had some weird dreams and am still a horny thing at odd times, but I just haven't had anything really to share.  The captions I have made have been for the Haven Ezine and those have to stay unpublished for reasons dealing with the nature of the agreement to help the Haven raise operating funds.  I have been super busy with work and trying to garden some.  I hope to be a bit more active soon.  I miss talking and playing in chat with some of you.

Oh, I was on the Yahoo email the other day and noticed that some of you had written.  Sweeties I apologize for not replying.  I only use yahoo for chat and never really check the email.  Use alexia(dot)alexander1@gmail(dot)com to send me a message.

Kisses,
Alexia

Yummy

This week I came across these pics.  Each one makes me want to lick and nibble their sexy bodies.  I mean look at this woman, she is so sexy and I just want to make her feel good.  I wish I could kiss both those lips.  She makes my desires to be a girl even stronger as I imagine being between her legs licking that cute little pussy.  She is a goddess I would also wish to resemble.  She has such long and gorgeous hair.  Those breast are just so lovely.  I would become hers so easily.  She could dress me in harnesses and do wicked things to me.  *sigh*  It is just a fantasy that will never be fulfilled I fear.















Now we come to this hunk of a man here.  Those abs are just so delicious.  I want to kiss and lick his hard body so bad.  I can just imagine him dropping that towel and his strong proud manhood springing up and looking so tasty.  Slow and steady kissing of the head of his cock would just flame my desire to suck him until he fills my belly with his yummy cum.  Then he would still be hard of course and fuck my silly brains out.  He is just so much man.  Yummy.




Alexia

Fantasy Tyme

I come home and put the groceries up after running errands.  I am just finished when I am pushed against the fridge and held there.  Quickly a collar is snapped around my neck and I become still.  Without turning around I begin to undress and walk towards a closet i never seem to remember.  I know it is there, but only as the collar is on do I understand who I am.  I am naked by the time I open the door.  I take out the gloves and put them on and then the leash, snapping it to my collar.  I turn and see you, my Master standing there, naked and proud before me.

Kneeling I raise the leash up as an offering to Master, my head lowered in submission.  He takes it and says, "good girl" making my pussy slick with my juices.  He guides me to the bedroom and motions for me to climb on his bed.  I obey and turn to present my ass to him.  I belong to Master.  He is the only thing important to me.  I feel his hand caress my cheek before dipping under and sticking his thumb in my pussy.  My hips role with his massaging of his treasure.

My breathing becomes hard as my arousal increases.  Before I realize it he has brought me around and is kissing me as we embrace.  I let my hands roam down his back and rest on top of his sculptured ass.  His kisses make me feel so wonderful.  I feel the heat between us as his manhood slides along my outer lips.  Soon the head of his cock slips inside and i am pushed up with feelings of pure bliss.

Master rocks us in time to our breathing.  Each gasp I take is connected to the thrust of his penis driving deep inside me.  I feel myself fall a bit each time.  I rise and crest with small orgasms as he make love to me.  Kisses on my lips, my breast, my neck, drive me wild with passion.  So I am meeting his thrust with my own pushes.  I need more of Master in me.  I squeeze my walls so my cunt works its muscles along his shaft.  I hear him moan and then he says "good girl" as he pulses hot cum inside me.  I shiver with the most powerful orgasm I have ever had.

I wake up naked in my bed wondering how I got there.  This happens a great deal.  I wonder if I had another sex dream?  Master sits unseen by me in a chair by the bed and says "good girl."  I immediately see him and respond shivering,"Hello Master, how my I serve you?"

What would you do?

 

What if you walked into the shower and saw me like this?  Would you strip down and either slide your cock or your fingers in me?  I don't care what sex you are, I just want to know what you would do?  I crave to be touched and caressed, would you?  Would you have hot sweaty animal type sex with me?  Tell me.....what would you do?

Twin Soul

Just wanted to let everyone know I am OK.  I know a few people get worried when I am absent too long. I have a temp job that will be taking up much time and also require rest and sleep.  My Star would say I am corrupting small minds.  Truly, my mind corrupted by her is all I really wish.  I have been reading a great set of novels.  Inside there is a character who is called a twin soul.  She is a woman that was born male and she presents herself as one until they mus flee during a time of war.  It started me thinking and pondering feelings inside me.

 

I feel like her in so many ways.  I want to be like her and just become the woman I should be, but I am confined and trapped by the danger it would bring to me.  It has made me see things and think on thinks.  One being my coming to realize I do not think that I could have sex with a female like the body I wear should.  When I look at a beautiful woman, I still think of being with her.  The difference is now I accept I want to take my tongue and fingers and use them to make her feel pleasure.  Then I grow sad knowing I can never feel the same pleasure and that she would never accept a person like me, and probably no woman could.  I am not going to whine.

 

That is the other thing I have thought about, my sexual nature online and how my mood swings and stuff probably made many who I considered friends and even more to just leave me alone.  I do release my depression on here and online a bunch.  I guess it is because I have no one in real life to speak to and that I see safety in the people who were around me.  The problem comes though from my mixed relationships.  Many I have had cyber chat sex with.  I t is all the sex and intimate interactions I have had or have.  I guess it was not what should have been.  My moods changing sometimes or my need to just have some form of intimacy turns or turned some who I cared for away I guess.  It hurts and sometimes my damaged and depressed brain uses it to make me feel things that are not real, at least I hope they are not real.

 

On a good note, I have Farrah hair.  My hair is getting longer, it feels nice and even though thin on top, it has that Farrah Fawcett feathering naturally forming.  I like that idea.  *sigh*  I only I could wear that red swimsuit from the famous poster.  Still I am working on growing it long and will need to make a decision about trimming for manageability.  I have only shared with a few an idea I have for it.  If I can, when I get it long enough I want to donate it to Locks of Love and let that be a way to honor one brave woman that means so much to many of us who find safety at Rachel's Haven.

 

So stay hanging about Sweeties.  I miss some of you so much.  Wish we were lying on a beach naked and watching the sexy guys and gals walk by, also naked.  Yes, Jilly, me and you letting our sun kissed bodies be ogled by those around us.  *kiss*

 

Alexia

DESERT SPRINGS SPA ADVENTURE

So here is my story for the March Contest at Rachel's Haven. Sorry to those of you that met with a log in to the Haven. I thought we had Guest access now too, but I will check in the future before linking again. Anyway, here is the story and it is a story. I hope you enjoy. Comments are always welcome as I need feedback to grow as a writer, even the amateurish writer I am. 

Alexia Rose 

My March Caption Contest Entry

I am going to be mean to all of you right now. I am going to place a link to my March Contest Entry at Rachel's Haven.  You can find it here Desert Springs Spa Adventure.  There are many great stories in the Contest and I hope you will read mine and others.  Voting is different this time, My Star is changing it a bit for this month in an attempt to make it more something.  Been a bunch of talk about the voting process.  Anyway.  After the voting closes I will post it here.  So, wait if you want or go visit Rachel's Haven and see many great captions.

Below is a pic I used in my story.  The Background was supplied by ShySteffie.

Alexia Rose

Still Here and Still Horny

Honestly, I have been playing many games on G+.  Well, also watching porn.  Yeah, OK, I have been masturbating a bunch as well.  I have found a couple of Hypnosis porn from mindcontroltheater.com on the free sites.  Not the one with my avatar woman in it "Kept" or the extra hot "Yard Sale at Hell House."  I would love to have some extra cash to buy those two.  Besides Justine, Paris Kennedy is in one.  A cute little Redhead named Jessie Palmer as well.  I could just cream my panties right now thinking about the trailers.

I have been watching huge black cocks spread out tiny tight pussies and been jealous as I watch.  Wishing I was bent over and him filling my up as I screamed with pleasure.  Oh I am so silly for handsome black men.

One perk has been spending some time with Jillisa.  We synced up on YIM a couple of times.  I would love to be vacationing with her.  We could find us some hot guys or gals and have lots of fun.  Saw Sweet Boy and Irish Fellow as well.  It was nice being used and controlled by they.  I feel loved when they are with me.

Just wanted to check in.  Work has been busy.  My fatigue or depression is flaring.  Tonight is so hot.  I think I will just sleep in my panties.  Love you Sweeties.

Alexia

Some Days

There are mornings I wake and I feel in a weird way.  Leap Day was such a morning.  The boy body was doing something that I have come to hate.  The phallus thing that should be my perfect clitoris was stretched out and I began feeling wrong.  It is strange because I am aroused because my mind begins thinking of having a cock, just between my soft folds and not pointing the other way.  So I am in a paradox of arousal that makes it difficult to push the clit back inside where it belongs.

It is a fight.  I almost cry every time this happens.  I won the battle today and this is how.  My mind began telling a silly story of two men being hypnotized.  One is entranced to see his best friend as a sexy girl.  His friend transforms before his eyes and the primal urge to fuck her is implanted.  The other man is made to love being the girl of his friend's dreams.  He is aware he is a man, but his mind is rewritten to begin to change.  Soon the one is ramming his long thick cock in his friend's ass and he cups the non-existent breasts.

I then wandered in my mind to myself becoming so aroused that I began rubbing the now behaving internal nub.  I see a big black cock playing with my nose before I am soon sucking hard on my lover's rod.  He soon spreads my legs and my slit as he fucks me into unconsciousness.

When I finally get up, I feel at peace.  I am fully myself in my mind.  I even seem to walk different as I travel the house.  Showering can be interesting.  My growing hair makes this even better.  *sigh*  I needed to feel like myself.  "The Boy" has had to be walking the world so much lately.  I miss being around those who make me feel like myself.  I hope to be able to relax with some of you really soon.

Alexia Rose

Hey

Been busy of late.  Dealing with fatigue and health issues as well.  Been a rough day yesterday.  Be back soon I hope.

Alexia

SK8R GRRL

I made this for a wonderful Erotica Author I am following on Google+ called Tessie L'Amour.  She is an awesome writer and I hope she likes this caption I did for her.

Alexia

Nice Fantasy

I was dozing yesterday morning and my hand slipped into the waistband of my boy shorts.  Soon my fingers were in my slit rubbing my boi clit.  I began slowly grinding and daydreaming.  Soon I was in the most amazing moment.  I was masturbating myself to climax and my beautiful black lover came in the room from his shower.  He let his towel drop and I watched his big cock begin to grow and throb as he took hold of my legs.  I continued rubbing as I watched him move to have my ass raised.  He covered his cock in some K-Y and soon had me in position to enter my ass.  I felt him slowly push in and I rolled my hips.  Soon he was thrusting in time to my fingering of my clit and we made love for such a long time.  I came so hard and woke up feeling so wonderful.

Alexia

Need for Balance

Figured I would do a bit of an update.  I am in an up and down battle with the diabetes right now.  I feel really bad at times, but I have come close to getting the target range before the rough patch.  I stay horny all the time.  It makes me wonder what would happen if I ever go on hormones?  I think I would like to try just taking the female hormones, not really for transition right now, but for balance in my body.  I think the mood swings I have comes in part from being at odds in my body.  I have the little cock like so many of the girls on hormones.  I really think I was screwed up in my formation as a fetus or whatnot.

I am scared to mention something, but I need to in a way.  The one I love and I had a nice chat the other night.  It was almost like when we first met......I had to stop from wanting her so bad, but I was flirting really shamelessly.  I know that there will never be anything like a happily ever after, but it was nice to be comfortable with each other again.

She is determined to aid my cock whorish ways.  She gave me a hypno file that really did strengthen what I already feel when I see a nice big cock.  The woman who recorded the file has such a good voice.  I have also found some cool hypno porn on the Net.  I love the good ones where I almost go under myself.  *sigh*

My hair is to a point I feel it move on my head.  I wonder what the people around me think as I grow it out.  Dad is making remarks, but I just let it go and think, "if you only knew" as I ignore him.  

*kiss*

Alexia

Blogger Woes

Hello Sweeties,

It seems that a program to zap spammers and out of use Blogs has been taking down TG Blogs.  Of course people immediately thought there was an attack on the TG community, well the TG Caption community.  I hope it is just a bit of coding and tech stuff that is due to the Google restructuring.  Most have gotten their Blogs back up, but I wanted to just let you know what was happening.

I have always been careful to have my Adult Warning and I never tag a post.  I worry that I will lose my Blog because someone wants to report it out of meanness or something.  Could be copyright stuff.  The thing is that every Blog I have ever seen since I have been on Blogger has copyrighted material on them.  We all post images that are not ours and found online.  It is how they are used I guess that is the point.

I have not created a G+ account because part of me just has this scared aspect that I will be publicly outed as TG.  I am Alexia inside, but legally I am the Boy.  It is a quandary as to whether I should create an account.  Plus, it seems that crossing streams would be easy in some ways.  Anyway, have work to do so bye for now Sweeties.

Alexia Rose

Yes Master

"Rub him harder Slave."

"Yes Master."

"Slave, when you feel the pre-cum on your hand you will feel even more aroused.  Your pussy will feel so empty.  You will need to fill it, fill it with black cock."

"Yes Master."

"You will ride him until he plants his seed in you Slave."

"Yes Master."

"Once you cum the changes will be permanent.  You will be fully female and the nanocites will dissolve and you may serve your Master forever."

"Yes Master."

"Now say your Mantras until you cum."

"Yes Master.  I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   I am a black cock whore.  My mouth is for the use of cock.  My pussy is for the use of cock.  My ass is for the use of cock.  I belong to Master.  I serve and obey Master.  Master has the ultimate black cock.   UUUuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

I want to submit to him

This is a difficult post to write.  I have been so horny and really felt like I am in a trance since I have seen this pic on a Blog I follow.  I have had a hard time keeping my fingers off my clit.  I just have feelings of wrapping my lips around that long, hard ebony rod and sucking while feeling his strong hands in my long hair.  He pushes trying to force my mouth to accept all of him.  Then I imagine him stretching my pussy as he fucks me.  I am willing to submit to him.  I want to be like this, just at peace knowing I am loved by my Master.  Mistress Simone said I was a cock slave.  I felt like that was right.  I wonder if I am in a trance though.  I feel entranced.  It is confusing, yet nice.  I wish I could just feel like this always.  I wanted to be used.  I wish I had a hypno file where it lead me through a fantasy of being a cock whore for a strong Black lover.  Just to lay back and enter a world where my mind is not telling me how worthless I am.  A world where I don't feel like just giving up and dying.  A world where I am serving my purpose to give love.  I have been having all kinds of fantasies about this man.  I need him inside me.

Alexia

A Thank You and an Apology

I want to apologize for scaring some of you, I should not have let myself do that on here.  I really was not in a good place and it was wrong to just release all of that on you all.  I also want to thank you all for being little bits of light to help me.  It helps knowing somebody is at least aware that you exist and are experiencing stuff that is difficult to deal with.  I know my problems are so small compared to others.  I feel guilty about feeling like I am dealing with stuff that is so hard when their are others dealing with things that are much bigger.  I guess part of me wants to just be completely naked and vulnerable.  I wish I could let go and be the one receiving love instead of the one that is giving.

My job is one where I give of myself a great deal.  It can be very one-sided at times and recently the balance just tipped too far I guess.  Then all the medical stuff and money issues just heaped on an I had nothing left when I began missing Mom so much.  I have been living this double life of hidden depression so long.  People know I get down, but they never see how bad I feel.  I put on a brave face and do my job and then crash.  It is not healthy, but when you are alone, what can you do.  Hugging one of the dogs can only go so far.

I have never been kissed in any intimate fashion.  I have never just lay down with someone and been in each others arms.  No true intimate contact of any kind.  I am 39.  One more year and I am a movie cliche.  I want to be loved so bad.  It hurts.  

Thank you again for all the words of support.

Alexia

I am Sad

I have had these really heavy feelings of sadness for a few months now.  They are like waves crashing along the shore.  I can muster up the feelings of normalcy for a bit, even find laughter or small victories of joy sometimes.  Then the wave engulfs me and I am just sad.  I am also just very lonely.  I just wish I had someone to be there and let me let my guard down and know they are watching over me.  I just am tired and tired of fighting life.

The diabetes is taking a toll.  I have little in terms of resources and even though the clock reset, money is going to run out.  I work to change eating habits.  It is hard when the very foods that give comfort are also what will help to slowly kill me.  I get depressed and my bad outcome has always been food, so I get a double whammy of hard dealings with the diabetes.  Add that I am still working to lose weight, eliminate sleep apnea and fight depression and I just want to give up.

Living with Dad is hard.  Stress and fighting over stupid things because he is stubborn and I am like him, plus irritable from the take your pick list of problems I have.  I want to give up so bad.  I just get so hurt inside.  I have figured it out, that is the scary part.  If I ever do give up, I know how to do it.

My mind is at war with itself.  All my intellect and the things that make me who I am are in constant battle with the dark things in my head; doubt, fear, paranoia, hatred of myself.  That voice that tells me how dumb and stupid I am.  It tells me I will die alone and unloved.  It makes me want to just sleep.

I have been just out of it.  I owe Sci-Fi Kara an apology.  I offered to read and proof stuff for her and I let her down.  I volunteered to do the Christmas Day caption for Terri's 25 Caps of Christmas, and because this horrid wave of sadness hit me, I almost didn't get it written.  Worst is missing Alectra's birthday at the Haven.  One thing I have tried to do was make Birthday Caps for people, and I missed hers.  I hate missing that and feel terrible.  So many of the people I have met through the Haven are battling terrible illness and struggling with these big problems, and I can't even do anything for them.  I just feel like a failure.

All I am good for is moaning on here.  I am finding it really hard to love others when I can't love myself.  That is affecting work.  My compassion is still there, but the effort to help and guide people leaves me so drained at the end of the day.  I ache in loneliness.

I look at my Blog and I wonder why anyone even reads it because of how I am lately?

Alexia