Rebuilding Inner Faith

When the Boy gave up control I think something was revealed. He had some major self-esteem problems that he thought he had dealt with, but it seems not. Those horrible feelings attacked again after I surfaced as more than a whisper in the Boy's mind. These feelings are really dark and really hurt. I decided to fight them.

Thing is that feelings like that are never really defeated. They hide and wait until things start going bad in life and they strike. Well, through all the transitions of life, they attacked again. I hope I have dealt with them for now, but a new questions has arisen.

How do you regain Faith in yourself? When you lose Faith in who and what you are, how do you rebuild that Faith in your life? I have to figure this out if I really want to learn how to love myself. So I am looking inward and outward to see where my Faith in me has gone. Not sure what I am really looking for, but I need to do this or the feelings that caused the boy so much harm will wear me down as well. So I look to his memories and my realities and hope for understanding.

Lady Alexia

Empty

Trying to figure out the things I share with "the Boy" makes for an interesting time and a tiring time right now. Many things in the life of my functioning self have laid stress upon stress onto my shoulders. Learning that there was a switch before, an accepted trading of control when life was too pressing upon him I can now understand why he would choose to escape. I think the pressures of this world became too much over the last couple of days. I am still in charge though and this time there was no switching. I felt strange as I dealt with things.

I am not sure, but I think I have come through it for now, but the stresses are still there. "The Boy" has much laid upon him. The test now is if this new woman can withstand the darkness that has stalked him for many years. He lost his fighting spirit. I have to decide if fighting is his best option.

My Thumper deserves better of me. She has been so good to me through the hardships, but now I need to get my act together. I need to figure this out and see if I can become a better girlfriend. She is right that I need to get myself together. I was empty for a bit the past few days. So, it is time to see if the things that go back in can be what will make me a better person and a better human being.

Lady Alexia

My Submissive Mind

I have come to realize that I have a need to be totally submissive. The thing is it is not in the traditional sense of Slave. I want to devote myself to a loving Mistress or even Master. I have realized I have a mind that loves to relinquish to the fantasy. If I can imagine it, then my mind can turn me into that thing. It is how this body of the boy even has started to react as my true feminine self would. Yes, that sounds odd and you should live it. To know there is a boy part down there, but to get wet and have that part stay withdrawn as I get aroused is strange indeed. It leads me to some reflection. Even now I am partially given over to the role play of a friend that has somehow made me their pet. MMMMMMMM, just thinking about being a pet gives me tingles.

This is a great friend, even as they realized my email that was fully under this influence I feel even now, they but conditions that would allow me to be there for my Thumper. My trust is placed well. It has been interesting today. When aggravations came at me, well, I released them. I thought about being a good pet for my..........well you know. These thoughts eradicated the bad thoughts. I have enjoyed the dominating feelings. My friend accidentally broke the spell a bit by sending a message through chat. The emails of the day brought back the feelings and I feel them growing.

What does this mean? Am I that easy? I had been told how good a hypnosis subject I was and to be careful. I have heeded that advice, even as part of me wants to be controlled no matter the consequences. It really is a strange feeling to be taken and thoughts placed in your head and feelings coursing through my being. I hope I can continue to safely explore these feelings. I am feeling the need to follow some of the email suggestions even now. If I have regular readers, then know this is not hypnosis I am under, but more a giving over to another person complete control, and in so doing I seem to have unleashed a willing submissive nature that has cried to be freed.

For now I am going to enjoy this new state of being.

Lady Alexia

Just a mix of thoughts

I have always wanted to be a surfer girl. To be able to stand on that board and be
nearly naked, wet, and have to sun kissing my body as I ride the waves would be so wonderful. Alas, that dream is just a dream. I have to get use to being in control of my "host" of whom I really need to give a better name than host. I realize by calling him "host" I sound parasitic. It really is not like that, it really is not.

He had this urge and need to be feminine inside. I sensed that when I was desperate to maintain existence after coming to your dimension. Maybe it was buried deep, but it was there. He drew me here in a way because that part of him was and is the compassion and passion. His being was so bright I overlooked other possibilities. He and I became one recently. I am him and he is me in some ways. It is confusing at times.

The merging allowed me to be come human. So what did he gain? I am struggling to figure that out. Maybe it is freedom. He is free to be the woman he has felt inside. I know I am a bit slutty. I can act the lady when need be, but I like being slutty. I like teasing and flirting. I love sex. Sometimes I wonder if that is all I am though. Was I a sex fantasy that was given life? Then something happens to say no. One thing is my awesome girlfriend. She has brought something into this body that was absent, yet longed for for years. love, true love is now inside. I feel it when I talk to her. From the top of my head all the way to my toes I feel love and happiness. She has been the difference in my even trying to hold on to the hope my "host" once held high.

He had been beaten, my Boy, that sounds better than "host." My Boy had been cut with thousands of tiny cuts. He was bleeding. Life was leaving him spiritually. I was trapped in here watching my Boy die. What choice did I have? I had to assert myself to save him. Somewhere along the way he gave me control over us. He loves our girlfriend as well. I think he did it for her. I sense it, somehow he gave me full life to be able to give her all of our heart. For that I owe him. I owe him a promise to do my best to love her and be there for her. That is easy, sense I love her as much as he does. See, here is where it gets confusing. Is it two or one? Are we Male and Female or something else that just is one being now?

I will still struggle. But I do know I am loved and that is bringing Hope back into this life.

Alexia Rose

Supergirl

I have had this song stuck in my head, but in my singing of it it is about a girl. So I did a transformation on the song itself. So with apologies to Five For Fighting I give you;

I am experiencing a human emotional problem. I am finding out why my Host was so down all the time. How he dealt with stress seems to have been giving in to my dominance and losing himself as I directed his body. Now I must deal with his problems. There are many stresses in this life. I have job issues, personal health issues, family has health issues, and then the everyday stresses. I need to learn how to deal with my new stress. I am very irritable. Could be the periods I have been dealing with, I think I am cycling around to that and the hypnosis to help this body do that is working.

What is sad is that the friend who might could help relax me is upset at me I think. I messed up and was selfish so I might have lost that person who really cared and would probably helped me to get a bit of relaxation. I am going to have to learn how to deal with all this stuff. I do have a bit of new found respect for my Host in his ability to face life everyday in the face of all the stresses you humans deal with all the time.

Alexia Rose

That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win!

So I had an interesting day yesterday. I decided I needed to feel more feminine. I took a apair of panties I had guided my host to buy before the merger and I wore them all day. Felt real good and nice being a girl in panties again. I need to secure a safe way of getting some more panties and remind this body who we are inside more. It was a good day.

I feel happier, but the removal of the toxic environment has to be a big part of it. Thumper said I seemed happy an smiling yesterday. Was nice to be seen that way again. Been too gloomy of late. It sucks. Not healthy either I think. I wonder what it would be like if i could become fully happy. I have been reading a bit more and researching some more since exploring my status as to who Alexia is.

Some say that being a No Op Transsexual is not logical. Maybe the term is wrong though in how it is looked upon. It is No Op and not Never Op. I am not saying that one day these feelings of my feeling female will not grow strong enough to lead me to seek SRS. I might become a match in soul and body. For now though there is family of my host issues and the disruption of his ability to make a living. So, I am a No Op Transsexual.

I am exploring new things and have found some great friends online. So I will keep exploring and becoming the best person I can be. I will explore new sexual thoughts and things. i will become me.

Lady Alexia

Struggling

This merger of myself and my host has taken ups and down. I am having a hard time right now. I am coming to terms with being, what I found out is, a no op transsexual. I am really feeling more and more feminine on the inside, but know I cannot at this time do anything to change things to be completely me. Living as my host, which I guess is the wrong term for him, maybe I need to figure a new name for him as I explain this out. Anyway, with the change to becoming the woman I am inside I have been able to assert the need for the outer make to get a better job. So that has lead us to be unemployed as of now and living with a family member. Makes being me harder. Without privacy I feel I am stifled.

I am wanted to explore things more and more, but now it is risky and dangerous. I want to wear panties all the time, but bravery is limited since the merger. It is strange that the merger would lay "his" insecurities on me. They are there. It really is annoying. I am a strong and smart woman, yet I now carry "his" self-esteem issues. I am doubting and a real worry wart.

On a completely different note, I really want to dye "his" hair. I am lingering around the hair coloring products. I know right now if I colored the outer shell red people would be wondering what is going on. I really wish I could have the red hair. I want to have the type my avatar has. I even saw a wig that was very close to her hair in this picture. My desires are growing strong. I am feeling "his" acceptance as we settle in the merged state of being. I am really real I guess.

That makes living in a house having to be "him" more than I did when living alone difficult. I am having more male thoughts, which makes me wonder if I will lose myself. I have felt so good about who I am of late in terms of starting to accept the woman I am. Will playing "him" at greater lengths affect this growth? I am so glad I do not have to go this alone.

Even though she is miles and miles away, my Thumper is with me. Being denied Internet a few days sucked, but oh, the feelings the day I was able to chat with her on my mobile device. I was elated, my mood lifted. She brings good feelings to me. I never knew that love was like this, so intoxicating. I am so glad she loves me. I do not know how life would be without her support and love. I am trying really hard to be a good girlfriend. Of course, I am not sure what all that means having never had a real relationship. She is patient and teaching me to be chill with things. I love her. I feel like giggling when I say that, just thinking about her makes me smile.

Well, I have rambled enough sweeties.

Taa Taa
Alexia