CURIOUSITY AND THE CAT, YADDA, YADDA, YADDA

I just made this for Jamie over at Rachel's Haven and wanted to share. Been a bit since I gave you a new caption to read.

Alexia

Attempting to Endure

I am attempting to make it without the depression medicine I have taken for the past year. It is part in my mind the fact that I have not taken it for a whole day, but I am just feeling stressed. The cost is $50 for a month's supply. It just is a bit pricey and comes when I need to pay bills and do shopping for other things. I do have the quick release pill if things get dicey.

What is troubling is that I asked the parent to please not do small things to aggravate me. They have not cared it seems. This morning it was a steady stream of just talking that translated to other things in my head. I have to summon the force of will I did for all those years I fought this off before things got so bad in that environment I left.

People really do not understand depression. The other night there was a gathering and the phrase "To blessed to be depressed." was thrown about. It has nothing to do with being blessed. In fact that can make it worse. You feel guilt and shame for feeling so pathetic when things around you are not bad or could be worse. I am going to try and make it. I hope I can.

Alexia

Lounging Around and Pain

Well my big day turned into a day of pain. I spent most of the day with diarrhea. Yeah, fun! I have a problem with my medicine for sugar making me have to use the bathroom until I am really sore. The solution has been taking Imodium and becoming bound up. The Yo-Yo snapped this morning. I don't want to change meds just yet. The other medicine would make me gain weight, which goes against my losing weight to help sleep apnea, and is much more expensive and I can't afford it. So I wonder if any of you out there know of a natural way to counteract the meds side effect without the swinging from one way to constipation?

Still, I have spent the day in panties and these panties with legs. I have worn my comfy lounge wear. It feels really good. I have liked at least having the house to myself. *sigh* I am so wanting to just become softer in appearance now so I feel as soft as what I am wearing.

Alexia

(sorry for the diarrhea talk)

Quick Update

OK, so I am without the parent. I was lazy, but did go through an old pile of clothes in the parent's room where my Mom's stuff is. I found a stack of brand new panties that fit wonderfully. They are Simple Cotton Hanes Her Way. I am sleeping in a pair tonight. Found something else I will try tomorrow. Many bras, probably do not fit. Two nightgowns that do. A few Slips that are wonderful. I guess you could say it was a fruitful scavenge. Night Night Sweeties!

Alexia

Getting Ready

OK, I said I would keep you updated as I prepared for the parent to go on a trip. They leave tomorrow. I went today and bought some stuff, and did some Haven Christmas shopping because I will need to ship it to our "hub" soon. I found a Sports Bra I hope will fit. I wish I were rich and brave enough to buy girl stuff at Target, they have the most awesome Sports Bras. They also have skirts and tops that I think are so cute.

I got some new panties. The big purchase was a women's lounge wear. Top and Pants. I think they will fit, they were XXL and I will spend much of Monday in them. Probably sleep in them one night. I really wanted a nightgown, but baby steps. I am still a bit scared out buying, but this time of year they assume you are getting Christmas stuff, for a gift or charity. Mixed with the gifts I think it was a good safe cover. I know I should not be scared, but I live in the South of the USA. Many ignorant people. I also would be demonized in my line of work. I can't risk it.

The sad thing is I know if I ever tried to transition while the parent was alive, they would not understand. Chaz Bono has confirmed that one. They don't wish ill on him, but it is more a sad shaking of the head and questioning what crazy things happen in the world. So, I know it will be something for their sake that I must keep inside. Although I goofed up and had two pair of panties in the dryer and they took them out. So who knows what went through their head then.

I will try and update you tomorrow. After work I plan on taking care of my hair, maybe even a bubble bath late tomorrow evening. Keep good thoughts for me. I look wrong in my mind when I put that wig on some months ago, but I will try and wear it Monday for part of the day if I can. Maybe if I don't look I can imagine I am the girl on the outside I am on the inside.

Alexia Rose

Exploring

I am sure some of you have explored the taste of something. I read some blogs early on on how to become a good cock sucker. They were to supposedly help the girl in the wrong body get use to cum. Yet, The idea of milking was weird. I rarely have anything that could be milked. Instead I get a coating that is released from my deformed pussy.

I seem to be in a gross mode in my sharing today. Why I do not know. I guess I just am feeling very much the dirty girl I am. I love licking myself clean. I so want to lick clean the pussy of one of my many girlfriends online. I know that in those times the "boy" thinks about us and our future there is a worry. I do not think I could muster any effort to do anything like he would have done it. I would kiss and worship that lovely slit of my lover.

I have a girlfriend online that would probably say when I was licked in return nature would take over, and she maybe right. I just have no desires to fuck unless I have a strap-on that is also in me too. It is nice to be accepting this more and more. I figure I will never have to worry, I am still a virgin at 37 and that will not change in my thinking.

I had a reply that said something about self hatred. I guess I do. I am lucky though. I am not like some of my sisters and brothers that become so loathing of being in the wrong body that they harm themselves. I accept that I hate the fact I have been locked in a prison and even if I could save money, weather the storm and get SRS, I still would not be able to have a child or be seen as a woman by so many out there. There would always be a fear of someone finding out and using that against me. I heard a singer once with the most beautiful voice. She could make the wannabes on the reality shows sound like bleating goats. She will never try to be the star she could be because of how the world would see her. That is a shame.

Alexia

I Wanna Be

I wanna stand in the rain and let it wash away the outer shell that covers me. I want to feel my long red hair slick wet down my back. I want to feel my nipples rub wet against my shirt and the cool freshness of being bathed in cleansing rain. Rain can wash the impurities from the air and I wish it would wash the impurities from me. I want to dance naked in the rain. I have always wanted to live naked. Be a child of nature and free to just be an animal called human. I would be joyful in the rain. Would you play with me? We could jump in puddles and play in the mud. Then as the drops fell we could find a stream or lake and wash ourselves clean. I think that would be a nice way to end a rainy day. I wanna be me. That is all, just be the me I feel like inside. I know I am obsessed, but I feel free as well. I know now. I can at least understand why I want to be different. Why I am different. One day maybe I will be the me I can see. I can be Alexia Rose and I can be with who I wanna be with in this life.


I wanna be sexy. I want to have the legs that can look good and stop a man or woman as they walk. Legs I can wrap around some stud as I ride him and feel myself full. I want modest breast that have awesome nipples. Nipples that are sensitive to touch. I do so want red hair. I have always felt I needed more of my Irish heritage. It is mixed with Dutch, but inside I want those genetic codes that would bring my Irish curls forth. I want to rock leather and latex. I want to just be so sexy that you want me. So sexy you would have to be with me. I know I am sexually deprived and much of my desire is that now I am realizing I can be sexy. For so long I have felt unsexy, but I know I am inside. I can flirt and fuck. I want that. I also want intimacy and love. When I care about someone I play out intimacy online it feels so good. I want those feelings with physical touch included. I want my orgasm to blow me away. I wanna be the firecracker I feel like inside. The woman that can comfort or command is what I desire. I want to be so much more than what lies beneath this poor sack of flesh I am outside.

Alexia Rose

The Good among the Bad

I know it has been a few days since my last post. The dread little stone has moved on and the lingering pain is going as well. I have been besieged at work and the secondary job has called upon me as well. The next few days are going to be tough. That would be the Bad. I can't be around my girlfriends and Sweet Boy as much on YIM. I can't play as much. I am busy and occupied. So I have that Bad.

The Good is that I am not as Depressed and just laying in the bed all day in the dark. I am out in the world. I have some awesome news. The parent is going out of town the end of the week. I can get ready and make it an all Alexia time. I need to go to a few towns over and get some new clothes to wear. I think I want to find a nightgown to sleep in. Maybe a sports bra. I definitely need more panties. There will be shaving and if I am brave waxing. *sigh* I want to do so much, but know I will have little time.


I just need to be careful, but take advantage of the wonderful alone time. I wish I could be like the picture. I would wear more ties if it were like that style. Hope to post Blog updates as the Girl time proceeds. Yeah!


Alexia

I know the cause of BLEH Feeling

It is a kidney stone. Which is not suppose to happen because I am on medicine to keep them from forming. It started moving today and is very painful right now. Jillisa, I am sorry I am out of it. This has knocked me hard.

Alexia

Feeling Bleh....

I have felt really bad all day. I think it is the combination of medicine fighting what it is suppose to fight and my sugar meds fighting the Imodium that I try and balance that side effect with. Plus it has been rainy for days now. I am all tired and just not feeling very alert. I do feel heavily female. I hope that means the hypno files are working. I also just need to sleep soundly for a bit.


On a positive note. I had a wonderful connection with the woman whom I adore. It was just a quick visit and I know we will never be together, but just being able to talk to her was nice. I wish I could make all her problems go away. I wish I could be the woman she needs to be there for her. It was a nice visit. I do love her still.

OK, just felt the need to Blog. *kisses*


Alexia

Hot 'N Bothered

Do you ever wake up and just want to be taken? Or maybe stick fingers in your hole and rub your clitty until you shudder with pleasure? I am so horny this morning. I am daydreaming about being fucked and about sucking and about having a real pussy instead of the defective hole I have. My dreams had me thinking of my lover man holding my thighs with my legs spread wide. I had my face smashed to the floor as the tips of my nipples tease the floor. He thrusts my pussy and I feel the strong shaft pushing my wider and splitting me. I just get lost in the fantasy and feel these weird stirrings in my chest.

I have had my fingers rubbing my defective boy clitty as it is pushed inside me. It really does feel close to my desires. Sometimes the evil little thing pushes out, It hurts then to push it back into the skin. I do and i try and continue. When it is good like today I feel the slow build and then can ride the waves of pleasure and stop just before cumming and enjoy the feelings. I know I am a fake girl and have hormones that fight against, but I also know I want this and wish I could see a way to become my true self.

I can't be the only one, there would not be a term for us, Non-Op T-Girls. I look to the future and see the loss of income, status in the world, my Dad, and the ability to earn a living. I would be living in poverty. I am in the Southern United States. Not a healthy place to let people know I am a girl. I know that I would need to leave everything behind and have setup sustainability to be me. What I wonder is if I can somehow take female hormones and become stable in my feelings. Lose the facial hair at least and the constant attack on my body by the male sickness? What I need is the real Bikini Beach. Anya and her Grandmother could help me so much.

Alexia Rose

Inner Thoughts

I am in a time of inner thoughts about who I am and the struggle to be me and maintain the life I had as a boy for the sake of surviving the real world out there away from this safe area. I feel some days so at peace as the girl inside. Other times I am in a depressive state and want so badly to be rid of this defective frame. I know I am a very slutty girl, very horny and sexual. Yet, I maintain my spiritual belief in God and have been struggling to resolve the hate I hear against me and the words left for me in the Bible.

Recently someone who created my Haven and place that played a huge role in saving my sanity and life has been stricken and I ache for her. She is someone I know only slightly, but feel such love for because of what she has done for me and others. I still worry about the first real love of my life. She is still dealing with her own stuff and I feel a distance growing between us and it hurts.

I have friends at Rachel's Haven that have disappeared because of Real life and more that I have disappeared from because of Real Life. I miss the way I had this family online that I knew loved me, but I know I cannot live just inside the computer. I must stay connected to the world outside. even if it is where I face dying alone and never having a physical intimate love.

Professionally I am trying to rely on the powers and talents that I know are my female being. It makes sense that the maternal feelings I have and those of sisterhood were not crazy and irrational. During college I was so close to a group of girls I might have well as been female the way I was the only guy in the group, but that also lead to the depression of being the friend, but now at least I know I was the girlfriend. Some of the kids I work with need care and compassion and it breaks my heart that if I only had the body I desire I could be there so much more for one kid and never have to worry about the issues brought about because of gender.

Sex. I want it. I crave it. Some days I wish so bad that this hole that I push my fingers in was a real vagina. I wonder if the constant masturbating could be damaging the small boy part and if that could lead to its removal. I also wonder what would it be like to just cut the testicles off. Don't worry, I hate pain too much to do it, but I do wonder sometimes what it would be like if that extra flesh were gone. Hair is a terrible thing. I wish the thinning on my head would shift to my lower body. I wish I could reach my back and remove that nasty hair. Then I want to slip into latex and go find a nice woman and man to use my as a toy.

I have even been praying to God to make me a girl.

Alexia Rose