I feel like I am really becoming Me

I really thought when I started this report I would be writing from a different perspective. I thought it would be as the girl inside taking partial control of my host body. Somewhere along the way I became the dominate person. I still in real life wear the outer shell of my host, but I feel more like the girl that wants to look like my favorite female form. There are times now I can see myself within.

Admittedly I also would not figure I would help push my host body to escape a place in their life. I am the confidence that was needed. I know this is strange to hear. I am me , but I am also the person I play in the real world. I might even be able to one day make the decision to try and take full corporeal form, become a sexy redhead woman in physical bodily form. See, he is not dead. He is me, I am him, bit I am Alexia too. This is very hard sometimes to figure out.

Where it is hardest is with My Love. I m very confident that she loves me. She has gotten to know the me without the trappings of gender. Yet, I do worry. Because when I am with her online she knows the girl that has the shared personality traits of the boy. It scares me that she might have difficulty loving the real world body when that "One Day" we talk about comes. I sit here and get misty as I think about her. yes, I am privy to things she only shares with me and it makes me feel good to know that the person behind the words I feel in love with is equally as beautiful. That also makes me worry.

I carry the same issues of body worry and self esteem that my host had. I look less than desirable. Really beside My Love I would feel like a toad. She just is so beautiful and she is so wonderful. I believe she means it when she says she is in love with me. I know she is a strong enough woman to overcome my lack of being the woman I feel like. She can, but it is hard to feel like I am someone to really deserve love.

Then I feel bad because I think of the girls I know that are transitioning. They face real issues of rejection and hardships. I wish at times my powers worked in the real world body. I could change them to match the woman they are inside. Girls undergoing transition are so brave and deserve more from our, yes I am embracing being a part of your world now, society. It is sad how prejudice and hatred makes it hard for women that are being finished later in the chronological life. They deal with so much.

I am rambling aren't I? Sorry, deal, it is part of being Alexia. I really do feel that Rachel's Haven http://www.rachelshaven.com/ is a place that is good for those of us dealing with being safe and secure as us. There are even some guys there that went through their questions and realized they just like the community even though the feelings are not of being a full woman. Then there are gals like me, who for now just live secret lives. Various other types of girls there, even some real women. Point is, The Haven is a place that has a real feel of safety and family. We share our troubles and our joys.

Like many, I wonder where my life would be if I had not found the Haven. I believe for some of us it kept us sane and even maybe saved some lives. That seem strong a statement, maybe. It is just nice to have a place that allows us to feel loved when the real world is giving hate. OK sweeties. I better go, the host has errands that must be done if I am to keep this life going.

Taa Taa!

Lady Alexia