Life is in Neutral

I have been in a great deal of depression recently. Yesterday was particularly bad. I really stayed in the bed most of the day or in the recliner and felt numb. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. It has not been a good 48 hour period. I am taking the medicine and I am trying to be better, but I get so bad sometimes. I just start having thoughts that are not good. I don't want to scare you by saying what. I did have a poem forming in my head. Maybe some of what it would have been about will give you an idea of how I was feeling.

It brought up the questions of how Death might just be a lover's embrace. That it would be cold instead of warm, but that was how I felt. The idea of the warmth leaving my body as my lover Death held me as I fell asleep was dominate in my thoughts. I get scared as I have these thoughts. I know that people can't understand who are around me. They really do not get it. Worst thing was I isolated my self almost completely for the first time in months from my friends online. I didn't want to burden them anymore with my worthlessness. I just sat or lay and stared into space and thought about how nice it would be to sleep forever and just fade away. It has been a hard few days. I hope I am seeing some light again.

I fought to leave the house today. I went and got an application for a temporary job of sorts. I came home and took a puppy we have out and put her on the leash for the first time ever. I am teaching her the name I am calling her. I hope it sticks. She is so cute. She has spunk I wish I had. I love being around people and things that love without condition. I miss that part of the job I left. There were kids I was close to and when I was down it was hard to feel bad when they would come and smile at me.

I am fighting, but it has been hard the past few days.

Alexia