I don't understand why I can't stop being depressed. I should be happy, right? I mean I am not homeless, I am now in a work environment where people appreciate me, I have those online that care about me, but I just still get overwhelmed. It is a strange feeling. Debilitating. The thing is that I know in some ways what is happening.Last night I probably hurt someone who cares about me a great deal online. I can see why the woman I fell in love with over chat had enough. It is like my mind just can't stop once the feelings begin.
I wanted to just curl up into a ball and disappear last night. My sense of self-worth is zero. I know people think we can just do stuff to be in a better place. We feel alone, just put ourselves out there. Most of us did put ourselves out there over and over when we scrounged enough courage to do so. Most of us got rejected very hard, then we lost our ability to be out there. Well, we somehow would do it again and be knocked down again. It eventually destroys any sense of trying.
I know I have an automatic defense self. It is the person I have become that can just continue on and look normal and fine while I feel terrible deep down inside. Over the years I built this armored individual to exist. The thing is that it doesn't change anything. People around me see the facade. Inside I am drowning in darkness. I see the history of my life and know I will never be kissed in real life. I see that I will never know true love touch. All I see is dying alone, without ever having known what it is like to be cared for by another in real life.
I take my medicine, I pray, I try to hope..........
A
4 comments:
Lady Alexia, I do not pretend to understand what you are going through. What I AM sure of, though, is that everyone deserves love and understanding. You are helping me to accept the changes that are occuring in my life - even when you are drowning in yours. That takes an amazingly strong and wonderful person - in real life. Since this is cyberspace, I am sending you loving thoughts and big hugs. Know, though, that if I ever met you in reality, I would give you a huge hug. Susanne from www.susannejourney.blogspot.com
If you are taking anti-depressant medicine, this may not be enough. I take both medicine and go see a psychiatrist one a regular basis. My grandfather killed himself, and my mother is a recovering alcoholic. I have a good life, but sometimes all the good things and the medicine dont help enough. I need to talk to someone that is nto a part of my life but knows enough to give me guidance. I look at it as my doctor helps me understand things about myself before they become big enough to overwhelm me. I love your work and I can only hope that you can eventually heal, but sometimes we all need a person to look at directly and talk to. Also, sometimes medicines fail, and it would help to change it up. If I could I would kiss your tears away and give you peace.... hugs, Bela
"I see the history of my life and know I will never be kissed in real life. I see that I will never know true love touch. All I see is dying alone, without ever having known what it is like to be cared for by another in real life."
There is only one thing I know for sure, and that is that I know nothing for sure. You are young! There will come a time when you will be more in control of your life; when you can make the decisions. And: What's even more important: You will meet other people, some of them even stranger than yourself, people who will see your sweet soul and respond to it. There is no way you will stay unkissed for the rest of your life. No way!!!
Love,
R
Goddess! Don't be sad, stay positive and go forward!
Kisses.
Alicia
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