Numb

I am breaking free of the medication fog a bit.  I feel really numb emotionally, with spurts of anger and self-hate.  Makes it hard to move into my job tonight with the kids.  Hard to express that they should love themselves enough to resist dark things when I really have no love for myself.  

I have to put on the boy suit that hides my true self.  It is hard to keep from expressing myself as a male when I have so many girls in crisis.  The female me is hurting for them and I know for society's rules I can't really help in ways that matter because I am not outwardly the gender needed.

I am really messed up inside.  I probably was kinda short in replying to Star.  Yeah Star sent me messages and the health issues I was worried about were the deal.  I figure that some I reached out to knew this and just didn't tell me.  I was messed up on the med when I replied, so I now think back and figure I was not nice, no really mean, just a numb reply.  Probably let my hurt in too much.  

If I had the social skills to deal with relationships, then I guess I would not be a 40 year old virgin T-girl stuck in a male body.  As the Firefly quote goes, "If wishes were horses we all would be eating meat."  The picture here is how I wish I appeared.  I bet I would have no problem, even if I were shy finding a girlfriend or a boy to play with.  people like me live in a prison.  We can't really trust anyone.  For me if my town discovered I was Transgendered, I would be demonize.  All sources of income would be ended.  I bet many already think I am gay.  Being 40 and single in this area just has those assumptions.  Now I even have to think about how dishonest I would be if I did find some woman interested in me.  

Time to get in the costume and be the boy for a few hours.  I am glad to know Star is doing better, I just wish I could let go enough where I don't hurt so much every time she disappears.

Alexia