I know that she really couldn't love me like I did her. I don't have the body that could allow that from her. Yet, I know she cares on some level for me. It just is in a way where my heart gets constantly broken. I take the blame for that because it is my not being able to just let go of what my heart feels that causes my pain. Expectations that are not reasonable form and I feel hurt. The last time was added too by the feeling that common acquaintances mislead me and the when I found out that she was once again very sick, I was angry at those that I felt had not told me. It also was very hard not to feel hurt towards her, even though she could not do anything.
Everyone tells me to get out and find someone. If it were that easy i would have someone. Now I am just in a place where I don't ever see anyone ever falling in love with me. The real world also holds a barrier as I have the hidden self that yearns to be free and allowed to live as a woman. It is an impossible dream in so many ways. I just have so much that feels wrong and I can never see a future where i am loved in any way except in my role as a person who is there for others. There is an imbalance in my heart.
I apologize for the crazy talk and the depressing posts. I guess I am feeling the need to just speak out these feelings and just try and give life to myself. If I ever do win the lottery..........
Alexia
2 comments:
No need to apologise about your feelings. I don't think you're selfish.
unfortunately for the human in us, the heart cannot help what it wants, and as so often is in life, it wants what it cannot have or cannot keep, the only consolation we are given is the ability to heal and start again, and as has been said many times before this is merely a lesson to be learned before we can see the next door that has opened in the journey.
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