In 2008 I met the most wonderful woman ever. We both were screwed up and only existed on-line. but it was funny how slowly we became a part of each others lives. I understood the hesitation on her part and the way she held back. What she did share made me want to just take her in my arms and never let go. I didn't realize that I was falling in love really, I had never really been in love until then.
As I said, we were both screwed up and at the time I was accepting the truth about myself and my desires to be a female. Add the stress of very mean people in my real life that were just doing horrible things to me and I was a mess. As a result, I hurt her and I realize that the fact that after a time I was allowed back into her life was a blessing. Things though were never the same. I said I had fell in love and I meant it.
During our time together she faced a major medical crisis. One of her reply's during chat before she went into surgery broke my heart. I felt helpless. The woman that my heart now belonged to was hundred of miles away and might not even make it through surgery and I was now cut off and alone. I lay in my bed that night and I threatened God. I told God that he was cruel to allow me to meet her and then let this happen. I told God that if she died that was it, I would turn my back on him and what he had asked of my life. Her death would mean I was through doing any of the work asked of me. I cried myself to sleep.
I knew we could never be together. I was the wrong gender and nothing was ever going to change that fact. Yet, I had someone who I thought at least did care. Maybe that was just my side. I have always felt that maybe she was just humoring me. Maybe I was just being kept from harming myself if she just left back then. I believed some promises made, but I guess those were just my side as well.
I will never forget her. I will always love her. I will always say a prayer from her every night. For now I just hope she is well and that life treats her well.
The Broken Hearted
1 comment:
Those of us that lead these, for lack of a better term, double lives, are always in danger of being hurt by those we find online and fall in love with. You are not alone in this fact, and even though many people do not comment on your post, they feel it. IT IS HARD to deal with the fact that we sometimes, or even all of the time, feel that we are in the wrong body. I wish there was a way for us to explore that part of ourselves without the pain of not being an actual female.
Your friend may have decided to cut ties to move back into the real world... you may never know... BUT dear Alexia, you will never be alone in your joy, your amazement and wonder of the female body, and your pain. We do listen to you. Some of us cannot come up with the words to help but just know, WE DO LISTEN, AND LOVE...
Post a Comment