I Am A Weird Mess

Last night when I turned the computer off I had the most terrible wave of sadness wash over me.  I don't know why.  It just was a sudden feelings of extreme sadness and maybe loss.  The best way is to describe it as coming on like dizziness when you stand up too fast.  It really is a new and strange development.  Not a good one either.

I also wish I knew how to let go of someone.  I am having a hard time not thinking about, well not My Star I guess, just Star.  It should be easy.  It has been months since I have gotten any communication from her.  I should feel dismissed and just be able to push my feelings away, right?  It seems that since I made the decision to give up there ever even being a friendship at all, my mind and heart are obsessed.  I drive home from work and see the stars in the night sky and wonder how she is and how she would love to see the sky.  I see a report about someone on the news that has the same affliction as her and wonder if she is doing OK.  

Star is a person that makes decisions and when her mind is made up it is rock solid.  I wish so much I could do that right now.  For me it is constant questions of if I really meant anything to her.  I thought I did.  I figure that people from the Haven that know us from the time we met there are just tuning out and thinking how pitiful I am.  I think back to when Star was in pain and hospitalized and I asked her if anyone was there for her?  "You" was her reply.  It broke my heart.  I realize we fed each others darkness when we met and for months after, but for me there was times where the only time I felt cared about was when she communicated with me.

I know others send me messages and say I am remembered and I am not alone, but with her it felt just a bit different.  She never realized I bet that just her silly messages of one sentences made me have hope in things outside of my control.  It is like a hole is in my heart.  I just miss her being in my life, even in a very small way.

Alexia