Hello Sweeties.

I have been in a weird place mentally.  The boy has been busy and I have just kinda stayed back and really just been an online hermit gal.  I would get on YIM and just feel left behind or alone.  I didn't want to burden the people that care about me and I had no one to just have sex with over chat.  I saw a mention of something I had been a part of some time ago at the Haven and felt a bunch of sadness because I have been left out of being included for a few seasons now.  Just being reminded of that hurt a bit more than I realized.

I carry a great deal of guilt over My Star.  I don't chat much with her.....just enough to see how she is doing.  It hurts, even as I write this it hurts thinking about her and the fact that I can never even have a chance.  I hate having this dam ugly male container.  I know it is selfish to still love her after everything, but my heart hurts just knowing I will never be what she can love back.

In about a month's time I will be a 40 year old virgin.  The silly thing is that I doubt I could have sex as a guy, I don't know.....I mean I have such small equipment and I have accepted so fully my self that I cannot see it.  I desire to lose my virginity as a girl would.  So I am screwed up huhn?  I can't even get laid on YIM.  I am so horny all the time and just would love to be used and to have sex like the slutty gal I am, but I guess being careful limits that score.  I seduced my sweet boy a few weeks back.  I really just pulled out all the stops and it was so wonderful.  I miss My Star though.  I have never been as in sync over chat with anyone else.  She was like a conductor playing us a symphony as be made love.

Sorry about being so whiny.  I just feel bad.  I can't find any energy and when I do have it, the needs of the boy's life must come first.

Alexia