My talk of late must seem whiny. I guess that is why even those at the Haven never seem to talk when I have tried in the past to chat or email. They are right I guess to stay away from my moods. Bren foretold this, she said that if I was away much I would not stay connected. I use to be invited to be a part of things. I enjoyed the football pick thing. S'funny how you can be a part and then not. I guess if I had something to offer it would be different. All I ever had was the biggest crush ever on my Star and craziness that became so unhealthy I was like I am tonight, up way too late. Tonight though I am alone.
Being depressed is the most illogical thing in the world. All the fears and insecurities just drown you. I guess I should be happy that it is just sadness. That is funny happy for sadness. What I mean is that at least I am not having the thoughts of how to end my life. No, tonight and right now it is just this empty feeling. I guess it will be worse as the big day approaches. the big 40. I will be a 40 year old virgin. A childless loser. Part-time pay in a world where I am expendable.
I know, I am babbling. It is what my head is like if I were laying in the bed. I dream of weird things. I had a scary dream the other night. I was trying to keep these children safe from a killer. We were in a building and he was after us and I had to keep them moving. I have a bunch of dream like that where lives are in danger. At least I have not had the one where the Nazi shots me in the head in the apocalyptic world. That one always wakes me with my heart racing and the feeling I died. I wonder if the Sleep Apnea Machine helps keep that one at bay?
I should at least try and sleep.
Alexia
2 comments:
Hi Alexia,
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I think we've all been there. I don't know where you're located but I joined a group Tgirls United (it's mostly a Philadelphia and Pennsylvania group but there are groups like it everywhere) There are parties and meetups where it's safe and fun to be out as a girl with supportive and fun loving friends. My girlfriend helped doll me up and took me to my first party and it was a blast. Just thought I'd put it out there to let you know you aren't alone.
http://www.meetup.com/patgirls/
¿¿¿40??? You seem younger in all your pics :) Don't be sad... (almost) everybody arrives to his/her 40th birthday, and thats good for you and for me :) 'cause i can read you everytime you post. And I swear I love to read you :)
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