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I am numb
I really am just writing because I have no one to talk to. That is part of what my Blog has become I guess. I am so empty feeling. I wonder how "the Boy" has anything to give others like he does. We both share this feeling. Somehow he still reaches out to others and gives pieces of ourselves to others. I see it killing us. He is lucky in many ways. I seem to get the feelings that are negative. I know I am talking crazy, but it is my Blog and I can do that. Maybe I am protecting him....I know he is as lonely as I am, we are the same inside. He is so scared. He knows that it will be the end of him if anyone ever knew he was really a girl. No pitchforks and torches, but the end of a life.
I know that we are both tired. We just want to let go and be nothing at times. It would be so nice to not exist I think. That little fantasy we have of being from a place devoid of physical being is attractive now. When you are never touched. When you feel unloved. I guess you long for surroundings that equal your place in this life. Why is it so important to be embraced? Why is important to have a real kiss? Why do I miss something that has only ever occurred in my imagination?
I want someone to hold hands with, to snuggle under a blanket with, to feel like someone cares about me.
Alexia
4 comments:
Im here for you i know how u feel as i often feel the same im in a place between being male 2 please my family and be female 2 please myself so i know what this pain is like i have lost 3 tg friends this year please dont make it 4 please let me be ur gurdian angel and your reason to live so please dont do anything stupid hugs tina lucinda xox p.s. Here is my e-mail: tinalucinda@gmail.com if u ever want to chat my door is always open
I wish I knew how to help you. Your words worry me in part because of how familiar they feel. If cognitive therapy would be helpful, I'd suggest you question your premise that discovery would be a "life ending" event. Your life may be altered from such an event, but isn't a change what you are seeking?
I don't want to sound high-handed, but you seem to be focusing on what you lack. If you are simply using the blog to vent, that is not a problem. However I would hope that you are not creating new emotional scars by reinforcing your negative thoughts. Whether you post them or not, I'd like you to write down any thoughts you may have about what is going right in your life.
Know that even though we are strangers, I want you to feel better. I hope this sentiment helps even if I'm not very good at expressing it.
Please do not surrender to the void. I know it is misery to feel alone. I promise it will get better. I know I am a stranger to you but I care and do not want to cease to be. Please hold on. others want you to hold on also. Those that posted, those that are afraid to post, those who don't realize you are in pain and would reach out if they only knew. Hold on to yourself.
I have already had one blog I follow go away
http://yvonnescaptionworld.blogspot.com/
don't slip away into the dark,
people you have never met want you to do well in life
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