Pondering Who I Am

I have been doing some heavy thinking over the past few months. Changes in your life can bring those about. I am settling in some ways as to who I am now. I accept I am female inside. I accept I have a boy's body. What I guess some would ask is what took you so long?

That is what I have been concentrating on the past year. I can see some parts of my life in perspective a bit I think. One is that for so long I believed boys could only become girls in stories or in my dreams. The thing is I had so many draws to girl things. One of my first toys early on was a Bionic Woman doll. I asked for it and had parents who didn't question. I never thought anything about it.

When puberty was hitting and the hormones released, I always fantasized about these two women capturing me, turning me into a statue and remaking me into a woman. I tried on my Mom's panties and pantyhose. I was just drawn to female stuff. My singing I wanted to go even higher than my tenor voice could go and did. I could hit low soprano notes without going into falsetto.

My movies, my books, my fantasies all were along the line. I never really knew what transgendered was until college and the Internet. I knew of course that sex changes occurred. I was just raised differently I guess. I never had to make the choice or feel unloved because I was accepted. My issues with weight hid the desires and feelings because I misdirected some of my gender questions. Now I understand, but I also know the cost of my becoming Alexia in real life would destroy relationships and educational achievements. So I have to muddle along and hope that one day I will find someone capable of loving all of me and with whom my secret reality is safe to tell.

Alexia