Health Struggles

I have been dealing with the diabetes and changing medicines.  The new generic depression med is sapping energy and the lose of a pill to control sugar has been causing adjustments.  Bad new about the stages I am in, genetics are against me.  Just wanted to check in and let you know what was what.

Alexia

Breast Size

I know some gals want to have big breast, but I am OK with modest sized breast.  Maybe it is because I have always struggled with weight, but I just want to not switch heavy flesh in the midsection for heavy flesh up top.

I like that my avee gal is modest to average in her pics.  I think somewhere down the line she may have had some work done, but I am not good at that.  I like her here.  The way her breast are part of her lean and long curves.  She has a dancer's body to me.  I would like that, to be flexible and to move gracefully.

I guess I am just a silly dreamer anyway.

Alexia

I Would If I Could

I would love to do this for you.  Place my lips above this huge cock and let the wetness increase as I tease you with what will happen.  I watch you play with yourself, slowly anticipating my sliding down and taking this plastic monster inside me.  I know you want me to do it.  I want to do it.  I would do it even if you were not here, but it is more fun to share.  I play with my outer lips and slowly let them relax back over the head, spread just a bit each time.  I love the look on your face as I slowly open myself to the feelings of becoming welcoming to my toy.

As I am open, I slowly slide down and engulf the dildo and feel a fullness.  My clit tingles as it is pressed tight against the massive cock.  I squeeze and a moan escapes my mouth.  I see you close your eyes and bite your lip.  I slide back up and then go down once more.  I am spread wide and the dildo glistens with my nectar.  I am riding with a steady pace now and you are oh so close to blessed release.  I am cresting on wave after wave of endorphins as I am enjoying turning you on.

Soon it is more than I can stand.  I feel an explosion on my final downward thrust and scream out my climax.  I shudder as I feel my muscles spasm.  Cum is spurting from me and pooling around the base of my faux lover.  As I regain my senses I smile at the squirted trail from you.  I beckon you to come to me and you help me up.  I remove my toy and take you in my arms.  We cuddle and kiss for a long time, enjoying each other before falling asleep in embraced by our arms and legs.

*KISSES*

================================

I hope that my writing was able to allow you to feel like a boy or a girl as you watched.

Love Alexia!

We are Not Alone

I have been reading my comments to the previous post.  I want to continue with my own feelings and just say that it seems we all suffer in our own ways, but it is nice to have the Internet.  I would have never accepted the truth I knew inside and would not understand some of the whys as to how I am.

Alone gave me the push to continue the inner feelings I have.  It was the talk about hurt.  I would use the word ache for myself.  Their are days I ache to really experience things as the me I want to be.  I am lucky in a way.  The woman I talk about falling in love with here a great deal, she is my friend, who I do love immensely.  She has always answered any question I have asked, no matter how silly it might sound.  She tells me when I am off base about things and graphically explains other things.  I am lucky that I can ask her these things.  It gives me comfort.

Still, I ache to know what it would be like to wear a dress like in this picture.  I dream of breast that are formed well and skin that is smooth with a less coarse hair.  I want to lie out in a bikini in the sun.  Double ended dildos are fascinating to me and I would love to share that experience with someone.  I want to be held in someones arms with the knowledge that I am their girl.  I ache to slide my hand inside my own vagina and feel a real clitoris.  I want to wear a skirt and cute knee socks.  I ache to dance at a strip club.  I know in reality it is not glamorous, but I would like to experience it.

I get the feelings of incompleteness.  I believe it is why I  and so many others of our community deal with depression.  We have these pent up feelings and they go unresolved and manifest in less than positive ways.  It is one reason I believe some day I will be in a place to help those like me, openly.

On a positive note, I messaged someone the other day who is a wonderful young lady.  She transitioned some time ago and is a stunning woman.  I had not spoken to her and just dropped a IM through the Haven.  The reply was "In Milan with the wife...."  It makes me happy to know some of us can live as we are inside and out.  Life does not have to be this dark hole we sometimes feel we are in.

I hope in some way at least my Blog can help be a part of the connectedness we have grown on the Internet.  I appreciate all of you who read the Blog and those that comment as well.  We are all in this together.  We are not alone.

*BIG HUG*

Alexia

Non Op Transgender

When going over my Blog Comments from past posts as I do, I found that an Anonymous commenter asked if I was Transgendered.  I consider myself so yes.  In the days of searching the Internet I have come to call myself a Non Op Transgender Girl.  What this means is that I like many feel like a woman and have many emotions that inside are female.  We would like to transition, but for any number of reasons do not.  It might be age, family, job, or many other considerations.  I often figure true TGirls feel we are fakes, but many I know online are understanding.  It does seem a contradiction.  I am comfortable with that term for now.  So yes I consider myself Transgendered.

With that comes the serious discussion of sexuality and the balance between fetishism and just expression.  I did wonder if it was just some fetish at first, by I know for me the sexual stuff I do online is the only outlet I have for sex.  I am very much deciding that it may be the only form of intimacy I will ever know.  Sad as that is.  Still, I can explore thoughts and feelings in cyberspace I cannot in the rural area I live.  I have felt a different drive lately in that as well.  Not ready to explore that here though.

I am figuring out what it means to be the true me, and that is behind a curtain of secrecy.  People do not understand.  They put us in the wrong ideal of who a person should be.  I work with kids in my profession.  So right there you can see why I am hidden.  It matters not the good I do or the fact the my female qualities are what make me good at my job.  If people knew I would never be able to work again.  I would be labeled as a threat to children, and that would hurt most of all.  I would give my life protecting the kids in my care.  I have probably said too much.

My mind is shutting down so I will just stop writing......

Alexia

Crossdreamers Interview

Crossdreamers has a great interview;

Autogynephilia, Bisexuality and Mr. Opportunity - the Alice Novic Interview, Part 1

Go give it a read.  I need to add Crossdreamers to my Blogs I follow as well.

Alexia

Buying Panties

This is getting easier.  I just placed the briefs in the basket and went up and boppity bing it was a breeze.  I am wondering just when to try them out.  I need to do another hair removal.  The first hint of stubble is returning and I do know new panties feel best on hairless skin.  I like the colors too.  Understated so as to be a bit blendable.  

I still have not gotten bras.  My chest is just not formed right to have them feel right.  I am still wanting to purchase a dildo.  I have been having trouble with medicine cost and bills, so no nick hard cock for me yet.  I will keep working toward that goal.  

I have been dealing with depression.  I feel it and know it, but can't seem to shake it.

Alexia