Inner Thoughts

I am in a time of inner thoughts about who I am and the struggle to be me and maintain the life I had as a boy for the sake of surviving the real world out there away from this safe area. I feel some days so at peace as the girl inside. Other times I am in a depressive state and want so badly to be rid of this defective frame. I know I am a very slutty girl, very horny and sexual. Yet, I maintain my spiritual belief in God and have been struggling to resolve the hate I hear against me and the words left for me in the Bible.

Recently someone who created my Haven and place that played a huge role in saving my sanity and life has been stricken and I ache for her. She is someone I know only slightly, but feel such love for because of what she has done for me and others. I still worry about the first real love of my life. She is still dealing with her own stuff and I feel a distance growing between us and it hurts.

I have friends at Rachel's Haven that have disappeared because of Real life and more that I have disappeared from because of Real Life. I miss the way I had this family online that I knew loved me, but I know I cannot live just inside the computer. I must stay connected to the world outside. even if it is where I face dying alone and never having a physical intimate love.

Professionally I am trying to rely on the powers and talents that I know are my female being. It makes sense that the maternal feelings I have and those of sisterhood were not crazy and irrational. During college I was so close to a group of girls I might have well as been female the way I was the only guy in the group, but that also lead to the depression of being the friend, but now at least I know I was the girlfriend. Some of the kids I work with need care and compassion and it breaks my heart that if I only had the body I desire I could be there so much more for one kid and never have to worry about the issues brought about because of gender.

Sex. I want it. I crave it. Some days I wish so bad that this hole that I push my fingers in was a real vagina. I wonder if the constant masturbating could be damaging the small boy part and if that could lead to its removal. I also wonder what would it be like to just cut the testicles off. Don't worry, I hate pain too much to do it, but I do wonder sometimes what it would be like if that extra flesh were gone. Hair is a terrible thing. I wish the thinning on my head would shift to my lower body. I wish I could reach my back and remove that nasty hair. Then I want to slip into latex and go find a nice woman and man to use my as a toy.

I have even been praying to God to make me a girl.

Alexia Rose