One year ago I was suffering from a deep depression. While it was horrible, it also was tied to the acceptance that I am the wrong gender. Feelings I had never really understood were brought to the fore just before the world as I knew it was spiraling out of control. The boy side lost all sense of identity in many ways I think. He was not working in the profession he had been in anymore. He had reverted back to a childhood room and existence. So I embraced the girl inside completely and reveled in the feelings one side long denied of who I am being free. I am female, I am me. The thing is that the boy had protected me for years and I never really knew it. He still does.I wear him now as protection from a world that would not treat me the same if I were to reveal the true me. He works again, but I know that it is my talents inside that makes him successful. I have to figure out how to be him again almost. I have to learn how to be two in one. He is the protector still.
What is difficult is my growing feelings of being made love to like the real me. I realize I have bisexual drives. I am attracted to women, yet if I were physically different, I could fall so easily for a guy. I have been imagining having a cock between my legs in a much different way. It is pleasurable to feel loved like this, as a woman. I am not sure what it all means. I am not sure if I will ever be able to transition. I feel like a trapped Cinderella waiting for a fairy godmother to change me into the princess I feel like inside.
Alexia Rose
4 comments:
(Sorry for being a lurker til now).
So much of what you're feeling is a exact match for me too. I hated my "boy self" for years. With time on female hormone therapy, I started to discover that many of the qualities I'd attributed to boy-me were still present in girl-me, especially as she grew stronger and more experienced. Girl-me is still rather girly, but has many tomboy qualities.
I'm still mid-transition and have to present in boy mode in many situations (and many times failing, still getting "Miss"-ed and "Mam"-ed), but there is no more boy me... just girl me. Getting off testosterone and taking estrogen was a huge relief and greatly helped me sorting myself out.
I'm still figuring Me out. In the last 6 months or so, I've even noticed a growing curiousity about men! Before then, I didn't hate the idea of sex with men, I just had zero attraction... like a fish needs a bicycle. :)
I wish I knew how to be more comfort to you.
Sweetie, you have given me much comfort. I have wondered about being hormonally imbalanced. I just need to figure out how to broach the subject to get tested. I am happy when I hear that a sister is doing well. Knowing their are girls living life better makes me feel good. Thank you.
If you've never been on female HRT and you can find a friendly Internal Medicine or Endochronologist in your area, you'll know pretty quick. The physical changes take a while, but the mental shift is relatively quick. After 8 days on estrogen and anti-testosterone, I knew it was right for me. The mental and emotional shift were so profound, I was astounded just how badly my brain had been starving for female hormones. From talking to my docs, when a TG/TS tries it, it either really works (congrats, your brain is female) or it doesn't.
For me, suddenly being hormonally female very quickly unlocked years of repressed emotion. I was 'PMS'ing for a long while, suddenly dreamily happy to super sad to happy again over just the littlest things. Any romantic comedy, no matter how sappy, would have me crying. It's normal... most girl learns how to navigate and handle her emotions long before puberty. Since we're "late bloomers" we get to deal with puberty and emotional growth while trying to handle all the other RL crap at the same time.
But you eventually you gain experience and you grow into a woman. And now going back on testosterone is akin to telling me to shoot poison into my veins. My brain finally works like it's supposed too; it's amazing how much energy I get back when I could stop burning it fighting the male hormones in your bloodstream.
If I can be of any comfort or advice or just to listen to, email me or send me an email via Rachel's Haven.
*BIG HUG*
Josie
PS If you go to Dr. Becky's site site, you can hopefully find a local gender therapists. Contact them and they will usually know which Docs in your area are GLBT-friendly and/or have experience treating us "special women."
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