I feel like a coward sometimes.....

I want to just cry at times. It has been about a year since I realized why I always felt something was not right in my life. I was a lucky one, I was fostered in such a loving environment that I figured my awkwardness was due to my overweight and only child status in the rural area I grew up. I always felt more femme than male growing up, but the body parts were a boy so I just went along and progressed as a human adult. I was never more than a friend, which now I see I kinda was "one of the girls" in the relationships I had. I always was easy to befriend with females and so socially stunted when it came to intimate relationships.

My life was spiraling downward and I was having problems on all fronts. I found the Haven, Rachel's Haven. I had been reading and really enjoying TG stories. I loved Stories With Images and that is how I found Rebecca's World and the Haven. I soon realized I was not an alias in that place, but a girl. I let myself be who I felt like inside. I am not in a place where there is a TG community that is easily found. The prejudice and possibility of attacks is very high. I don't just make sexual stories and fixate on sex, I read about TG issues and the stories of our sisters who are killed. This is what makes me feel like a coward.

I sit silent and feel the hatred. I hear of kids being made fun of and wish I knew how I could help them. I think the TG children are what breaks my heart the most. These brave little souls that know their body at a young age, they have a chance to become whole. I am afraid what would happen if I was found out. I know my profession would be over. I figure my Dad would never understand. He has a hard enough time figuring out depression, much less my wanting to cut my boy parts off and having that divine smoothness.

I do not know how to help my sisters. I sit and know I am hidden and relatively safe. People probably think us Non Op T-Girls are just playing at it, but we do have the dreams of all our sisters. I just needed to say all that I guess. I do the only thing I can and pray for my sisters. Those I know by some name online I ask specifically for God to protect. It is small and little action, but it is all I can do.

Alexia