Smooth

Do you see what I wish I felt when I run my hand between my legs? I have been wondering about this more lately. I look at the beautiful T-Girls that still have there smaller "boy parts" and I think that would be nice for a while, but I know I what more, or less in this case. The term penis envy is bandied around, so I guess it fits that I have slit envy. I really want to not feel the ball sack. I want my hole to be a thin slit and not this round hole that I have now. I want the little nub, instead of this deformed boy clit.

News came out about Chasity Bono having SRS and I listened to my Father not make a derogatory remark, but a remark that was in the just not believing it realm. It was enough to reinforce my Non-Op status. Plus the fact that now I might actually be in a position to really build something professionally. I just hope the feelings inside can remain controllable. I think accepting that my gender issues helped as part of what caused confusion and depression has helped me. Still, there are other things to deal with and not just my desire to be the woman I should have been.

I know this can be depressive and redundant. You come and listen to this stuff from me and I wonder just why you would come back? It is just that in the Cyber World I have flesh and my soul can float free. I am able to release the pent up sexuality the is held so tight in reserve in real life. I am very spiritual in both my lives, the one as myself and the skin I wear in the real world. It makes me struggle with my morality every now and then. I wonder where the stuff comes from? I guess I have just suppressed my sexuality for so long that it is like opening a floodgate.

Maybe one day I will be at a place I can become my true self.

Alexia