It was that day I registered at Rachel's Haven. It is still some weeks away before the request I made there. When I signed up, gosh, I can't even remember the sign in name I created now. Something happened at the Haven. Well, besides my inner freak being released. No, somehow I recognized I was feeling strange about my name. I created this Blog as a way of writing out my female side, not realizing she was closer than I knew. I felt like a phony as I read and became a part of the Haven. I needed to be Alexia and it was not right being two people. Somehow deep down I had unlocked a door. For the first time parts of me were making sense and I was able to speak with a voice that was clear.People probably wondered at what game I was playing. I figure there are some who do not believe I am anything more than living a fetish, but they would be wrong. One year and in many ways I can see how many things about me have become clear. I do have a female brain I guess is the best way to put it. I am lucky though. I somehow was spared the feelings of being trapped as a child so I never tried to harm myself because of my being different. I had something some girls don't I guess. Parents who were loving in ways that kept me from feeling different.
I had outlets and sense in my rural area it was just seen as me being creative or sensitive I was able to grow up ignorant of the differences inside me. I just thought I was weird and accepted I was this overweight boy that lived alone in his head. I guess you could say somehow the male and female parts of me learned to live and survive as me. I always had this feeling of a woman that would talk to me. She was with me and I could hear her voice.
See, there is some truth to the energy being inside me. Alexia has always been here inside me. It is funny talking about myself like that now, but it makes sense. I knew I was not boyish growing up. It is funny that now it is more acceptable for girls to play with boy type things and like comics and martial arts. Still now kosher for a boy to be good at cooking or like dolls. I had a doll. One Christmas I wanted a Bionic Woman Doll. Mom & Dad bought her for me. I had the other stuff two, but my Jamie Sommers was special. So was my Daisy baby that talked. I still like my stuffed animals. If it would not affect Dad and I could figure how to survive with my education intact, I would want to transition. I feel in my heart I should be female. I would be an unattractive woman for sure. Much time has passed, if only there were some way to go back and fight for the changes when it would have been better for the changes.
I sound silly I know. I guess I just am starting to realize how much I missed. I have to figure where to go from here. I want to figure out a way to help young kids struggling with this stuff. I want to help show them they are not weird/ I think somehow God has opened a door and that one day I will be able to reach out to those that for now society would treat harshly. Sorry it this has been heavy. I just had some things on my mind.
Alexia Rose
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