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I am having health issues of the other kind. I don't know what is wrong with the right side of my head. It hurts right around my ear, outward and downward. I really feel bad when it hurts. I cheated and ate some yummy Easter candy and I think my sugar has spiked. Otherwise I am doing OK I guess.
Part of me is worrying about how I responded to Star. Her message came at the worst time. I was really under a depressive state and the meds were messing with me. I was probably short with her. That is wrong since really she can't help the situation. I just know my heart can't take it. I am more angry at those that probably knew what was happening and just glossed over it when I asked about her.
Otherwise I just want to be used. I wish I could have a cock ramming my pussy while I eat out a sexy gal. That would be nice. Kisses lovelies!
Alexia
I think it helped me to write the crazy down during this last period of depression and anxiety. Probably didn't do anything for those of you that read my Blog other than think I am even nuttier than you thought before. It has been a rough week. I am still not sure what to do about somethings or how I feel about some things.
I do know that the pill for extreme cases makes me not be horny. I had zero desires during the period those two pills were working. Not sure if that is good or bad. I like feeling horny in a bunch of ways. Still, it keeps me from thinking of how to remove myself from this world and I guess that is a positive. I still want to fade away, but I am not actively thinking of how to accomplish it.
I think it is bedtime. Have a headache from the changing weather. Hope you all are doing well.
Alexia
I am breaking free of the medication fog a bit. I feel really numb emotionally, with spurts of anger and self-hate. Makes it hard to move into my job tonight with the kids. Hard to express that they should love themselves enough to resist dark things when I really have no love for myself.
I have to put on the boy suit that hides my true self. It is hard to keep from expressing myself as a male when I have so many girls in crisis. The female me is hurting for them and I know for society's rules I can't really help in ways that matter because I am not outwardly the gender needed.
I am really messed up inside. I probably was kinda short in replying to Star. Yeah Star sent me messages and the health issues I was worried about were the deal. I figure that some I reached out to knew this and just didn't tell me. I was messed up on the med when I replied, so I now think back and figure I was not nice, no really mean, just a numb reply. Probably let my hurt in too much.
If I had the social skills to deal with relationships, then I guess I would not be a 40 year old virgin T-girl stuck in a male body. As the Firefly quote goes, "If wishes were horses we all would be eating meat." The picture here is how I wish I appeared. I bet I would have no problem, even if I were shy finding a girlfriend or a boy to play with. people like me live in a prison. We can't really trust anyone. For me if my town discovered I was Transgendered, I would be demonize. All sources of income would be ended. I bet many already think I am gay. Being 40 and single in this area just has those assumptions. Now I even have to think about how dishonest I would be if I did find some woman interested in me.
Time to get in the costume and be the boy for a few hours. I am glad to know Star is doing better, I just wish I could let go enough where I don't hurt so much every time she disappears.
Alexia
Never felt the need to take two of the pills in 24 hours until now. My head is swimmy. I feel really bitchy too. I ache in my neck joints. Just want to rest and not feel anything.
My Dad has no idea what his little tantrums do to me. I try and balance living here with the way he blows up at stupid things or when I am off in the head. Today on top of growing dression we had a fight. It left me spiraling into thoughts of wanting to be dead. I took the Clonazepam this time. My mind is slow right now. I spent all day in the dark and in the bed. Just another pitiful day in my life.
I got messages from Star, she was sick, which is one of the things I figured. Figure some of the people I asked about her knew that and just decided not to tell me. So that feels good. I really am only struggling to move forward because of what it might do to the kids I work with, but really.....I just want to go to sleep.
During my laying down today, I wondered what it would mean about those that know Alexia. There is no one to let anyone know if I am gone. Figure most just would move on and not miss me. It is funny how I miss people, but I don't even know.
Last night when I turned the computer off I had the most terrible wave of sadness wash over me. I don't know why. It just was a sudden feelings of extreme sadness and maybe loss. The best way is to describe it as coming on like dizziness when you stand up too fast. It really is a new and strange development. Not a good one either.
I also wish I knew how to let go of someone. I am having a hard time not thinking about, well not My Star I guess, just Star. It should be easy. It has been months since I have gotten any communication from her. I should feel dismissed and just be able to push my feelings away, right? It seems that since I made the decision to give up there ever even being a friendship at all, my mind and heart are obsessed. I drive home from work and see the stars in the night sky and wonder how she is and how she would love to see the sky. I see a report about someone on the news that has the same affliction as her and wonder if she is doing OK.
Star is a person that makes decisions and when her mind is made up it is rock solid. I wish so much I could do that right now. For me it is constant questions of if I really meant anything to her. I thought I did. I figure that people from the Haven that know us from the time we met there are just tuning out and thinking how pitiful I am. I think back to when Star was in pain and hospitalized and I asked her if anyone was there for her? "You" was her reply. It broke my heart. I realize we fed each others darkness when we met and for months after, but for me there was times where the only time I felt cared about was when she communicated with me.
I know others send me messages and say I am remembered and I am not alone, but with her it felt just a bit different. She never realized I bet that just her silly messages of one sentences made me have hope in things outside of my control. It is like a hole is in my heart. I just miss her being in my life, even in a very small way.
Alexia
As I was rambling along chatting with a friend I stumbled upon a thought. I know many of us out here in cyberspace are suffering from depression. We are in a constant state of emotional highs and lows. I started wondering about when I play with myself during my depressed periods. Does that act become a form of self-medication?
I know from familial experience that a person that is bi-polar say will use alcohol or even other types of prescription drugs as a way to self-medicate. Could it not be the same with us? I know that getting lost in my female desires and rubbing my fingers in and out of my little hole with my tiny little clitty-cock pushed in gives me the orgasms I want and wish for.
Does the endorphins I release serve to bring me up from my depressed state to be able to face the real world? It is interesting. Makes you wonder.
Alexia
