Not sure what to write.....

I have really just not been filled with much to write.  I have received bad news last week about the diabetes and spent some time in a depressed state.  When not just sleeping I worked and was horny a great deal of the time.  I have just really played with my clit and dreamed about Master using his big cock in various ways in me.  I think of how I can give him a better blowjob.  I imagine him taking me is so many different ways.  I dream of having the body I desire and just stay horny.

I would have made such a good sex worker if I had been born true in body.  I am so horny all the time and would love to service men and women.  It would be nice to give pleasure to so many people.  *sigh* I wish sometimes I could just be that girl.  

Alexia

Submission

I asked someone a few months ago to become my Master.  He is someone that I have been drawn to since I met him.  I needed to become what I had dreamed about being for so long, a completely devoted sex pet.  He agreeded and I have given my self over in cyber-space to him.  he is probably upset with me because the physical body had to go to rest the other night, but I will accept that punishment.  He has filled a void in me.  I can just please him and let him use me.  No being the one in charge, just the bliss of serving my Master.  His cock is so wonderful when he fucks my mouth.  I love sucking on my Master's yummy cock.  He loves stretching my pussy and filling me with his seed.  I am his and it is so good.  I wish I could share this joy with you Jillisa.  We could be so good for Master.  I just know in my mind and heart that my Master loves me and it is wonderful.

My Master's Pet

cock

I want to suck a cock, right now.  It is all I can think about.  I also want many other things, but the thing I have at the front of my thoughts is taking my lips and wrapping them around a nice hard cock and just sucking until my belly is full of cum.

Alexia

So Much in my Head

It has been a bit since I posted.  I am not out of things to write, but have too much on my mind somehow.  I have such horny and wicked fantasies that have been in my mind.  One that just was hot and wonderful at the same time.  I have wondered whether to share what happened as I daydreamed this one to a conclusion of sorts.  I began seeing myself as the similar Justine Joli looking woman.  I was not fully female, but a transsexual version of where I dream of being.  I am at a resort and walk to the pool.  I am in a white bikini and very self conscious because I hope no one can tell I am carrying extra in my bikini bottoms.  After enjoying the sun and fresh air for a bit I see this couple walking towards me.  He is a tall and very athletic looking black man with just dark trunks on.  Bald with the chest of a statue.  His companion is a very gorgeous and tall woman, white with dark straight black hair.  She has a nice sundress that flows over her sexy body like water.  They walk up to me and he looks at me in a way that gets my tummy fluttering and the rest of me tingling in all the right places.  She leans down and whispers, "We know sister."  He takes my hand and I am lead to their room.

Now in real life I am getting so turned on.  My hand has slipped to my boy clit which is not getting hard, it is staying withdrawn and inside the little hole that I have down there to rub.  I am really getting turned on and just revel in the feelings.

When they get my to their room he strips me and I can smell his body.  I am dizzy and wanting to do whatever he wants.  I don't even think about the fact that my body is not fully female.  He drops the trunks and I see his massive erection.  I bend over at the waist and begin sucking that cock, savoring the taste.  I am in heaven as I feel something being smeared on my asshole.  Soon I feel a cock slide in me.  My mind doesn't even really register that it is her behind me.  It is not a strap on that is fucking me.  I am being overwhelmed.  He guides us to the bed and before I realize what or how, his cock is sliding into the small tight hole where my boy clit is.  Somehow he fits and is fucking me like a real woman.  I feel his shaft against my boy clit and her cock inside my ass.  I am just panting and whimpering at the movement.....

I climax and from around my fingers my cum seeps out.  I am breathing hard and I realize I never had an erection.  I was overcome with emotion.  Between the orgasm and the knowing I had kinda been like a girl at that moment I was just overwhelmed.

Then a sadness came.  It was just in my mind.  No couple that would make me theirs.  No intimacy.  I was alone in my life again.

Alexia

Babbling

My thoughts have been of becoming a transsexual and living my life as a girl but having not transitioned.  I guess listening to Bailey Jay Radio has just allowed me to realize just how much that would mean if I were able to do that much.  I know it is not something I can do....at least where I am right now.  I like the work I do and am at peace there, but I am in a profession where I would be treated as a monster and a harm to those I work with which would just kill me.  It hurts though to realize that so much of me is what the world at large would see as abnormal.  

I do know as Bailey talked about wanting to suck cocks is something I want.  I just have the added desire to lick some real pussies as well.  It would be nice to be able to let my natural personality traits become stronger and female.  I would love to be dressed up and treated as a lady and have my companion hold my hand and us eat a nice dinner and enjoy some entertainment before going home and my total devotion to them being displayed.  I have a feeling right now of wanting to cry.  I want to know what this is like.  To be intimate on these levels.  I feel so trapped sometimes because I have to live up to a male standard that stinks.  I think that one thing wonderful about women is how they can be strong and be vulnerable as well.  I know this is being said in an idealized fashion.  The laws and equality is a long way from where they should be for women.  I just wish I could be released from this prison of a body.

I am sorry.  When I began I did not mean to delve into a pity post.  I feel that is all I write anymore.  Many of you know what I feel and I hate causing you to think about those thoughts.  Sometimes I wish the hypnosis files I had just took me somewhere in my fantasies where I was living as who I see inside.  I could buy pretty underwear and have an easier time shaving.  Maybe I could do better with weight issues.  Depression eating sucks.  I am so moody right now.  Sorry.

I wish I had someone to play with me tonight.  I need to just escape.

Alexia

B J Radio

Bailey Jay Radio

 Not blow job sillies, Bailey Jay Radio.  She is so cute and I am so jealous of her.  She has a free iTunes podcast.  She is very passable and has the sweetest voice in the world.  Google her and see her with red hair and blond hair.  Here I put some cool pics of the adorable Bailey Jay.  The stuff she talks about is all over the place.  Her thoughts on stuff tickles me because she proves how smart she is by her snarky and very cool answers.  There is an Ask Bailey Jay segment.  It shows how weird some of the fans can be and how much some of us like me can obsess over cool gals like her.

I am here.

I am unsure how I am doing.  I did want to post.  It has been so long and I figure that maybe some people might be worried.  I do want to say that the comments do help.  Sometimes just reading the kind words helps push the darkness back a bit at times.  What I have been doing is reading Paranormal Romance.  I found an Anthology at Goodwill.  So I have been lost in fantasy at times.  I lay in the bed and sorta sleep.  I put the mask of normalcy on and do some work.  I imagine being my true self.  I feel so worthless sometimes it hurts.

As I said I am not sure how I feel or how I am doing.  I am just here at times.  Eating is a problem.  Sometimes I skip a meal and sometimes I just go into depression eating.  Living at home is bad because the parental unit always seems to have something that ends up being eaten by me.  It is easier living alone and not having anything that can be eaten quickly.

A friend from the Haven has taken to being something I desperately crave, my owner.  At times I am just a pet and at times they make me feel loved.  It is hard to explain how much it helps when I am able to let go and just be submissive.  I just wanted to check in.

Alexia Rose