B J Radio

Bailey Jay Radio

 Not blow job sillies, Bailey Jay Radio.  She is so cute and I am so jealous of her.  She has a free iTunes podcast.  She is very passable and has the sweetest voice in the world.  Google her and see her with red hair and blond hair.  Here I put some cool pics of the adorable Bailey Jay.  The stuff she talks about is all over the place.  Her thoughts on stuff tickles me because she proves how smart she is by her snarky and very cool answers.  There is an Ask Bailey Jay segment.  It shows how weird some of the fans can be and how much some of us like me can obsess over cool gals like her.

I am here.

I am unsure how I am doing.  I did want to post.  It has been so long and I figure that maybe some people might be worried.  I do want to say that the comments do help.  Sometimes just reading the kind words helps push the darkness back a bit at times.  What I have been doing is reading Paranormal Romance.  I found an Anthology at Goodwill.  So I have been lost in fantasy at times.  I lay in the bed and sorta sleep.  I put the mask of normalcy on and do some work.  I imagine being my true self.  I feel so worthless sometimes it hurts.

As I said I am not sure how I feel or how I am doing.  I am just here at times.  Eating is a problem.  Sometimes I skip a meal and sometimes I just go into depression eating.  Living at home is bad because the parental unit always seems to have something that ends up being eaten by me.  It is easier living alone and not having anything that can be eaten quickly.

A friend from the Haven has taken to being something I desperately crave, my owner.  At times I am just a pet and at times they make me feel loved.  It is hard to explain how much it helps when I am able to let go and just be submissive.  I just wanted to check in.

Alexia Rose

Existing

I am trying to keep moving forward.  I am irritable and very moody.  That makes me wonder if the generic depression medicine is working.  I only take a half tablet a day, wonder if a whole might help?  I give in to sleep when I can.  I think less about the bad thoughts.  It limits my productivity.  I am having trouble being patient with the parental unit.  They are irritable and take it out on me which sets me off and it begins a spiral for me they do not understand.  The only good thing is not having a job that is bearing down on me.  I am just kind of existing I guess.  I am depressed most of the time.  I put on the "happy" mask and go outside and play the part of OK person.  It just tires me out feeling and being like this.  I need to go.  Tomorrow is on of the days I have to muster energy and be out in the world a bit. 


Alexia Rose

Parts of the whole

Sometimes I feel so fractured in mind and spirit.  I endure a constant battle inside me that I am so tired of fighting.  I am parts of a whole and each one seems to want control.  The worst is the part that is this darkness.  It whispers in my ear how worthless I am and that I am a waste of space.  Being alone in life makes these words seem real and they hurt.  Then life around me has things that confirm and support the Dark Part.  I wonder what would have happened if the giving part of me had never become relevant.  Without the small times where some kindness I did was acknowledged and given form through words and deeds by those around me.  Without these small lifelines to my almost non-existent self-esteem, where would I be.  I know the darkness wanted me to be mean and hateful to others.  I would have been good at it.  The years of being picked on or treated like dirt by others can fuel some powerful negative energy.  What if I had not made that decision in high school to use the art of manipulation I seemed to have had for positive results and not negative?  I probably would be rich and have conned many people, destroying others along the way.  I see how those that advance fast have done so on the backs of those around them.  Manipulation is not hard.  It is a powerful tool when used just right.  Yet here I sit, alone and secure that I have tried to live a life where I would be good to others.  Even when evil was done to me I fought against totally giving in and becoming like those out to destroy me.  I can't say I did everything right, but I tried.  Now I just see that when you try and be good you get this, a life if being apart.  The parts of who I am are tired.  Tired of struggling.  Tired of never being the one held while things fall apart.  Tired of being me.  

Alexia

I'm Down

I am dragging myself down.  I get up and push through the fog to be the boy for a bit, then a crash comes.  I had an interesting thought today.  I think the next step the doc wants to take in the diabetes I will just decline.  I am getting to the point where I accept I will die a virgin and never have anyone special in my life.  I can just exist a bit and do what good I can and just live out my fate.  I give up I guess.  The thing is that this makes so much sense.  Just live out what the genetics have done.  I think this is for the best.  I am going to ponder this out some more.  Maybe I can get over some of the darkness knowing I can at least have an end in sight.  

I look around and see so much that just is a waste.  That is my life.  I have little money and make little money.  I spend money on people in my work.  I spend so much money on medicine and my insurance goes up ten more bucks.  I just don't know why I ever believed that there was someone from everyone.  There isn't.  Most people just find someone and get lucky.  There are people like me that never find love and it is suppose to shorten your life.  I can see that, you have so much inside that just destroys you.  I just wish I could not feel so down.  I just wish I could rest.  

I can't even cry.  I always have had a problem crying.  It hurts when you can't cry.  

I don't know.

Alexia

Down and Out

The last post was very much just the pent up feelings exploding.  I had been feeling left out for some time, even before I became more active in my life off-line.  As people moved on and dynamics changed I just didn't feel a part anymore.  I stayed quiet and just did what I needed to try and become healthy and tried to keep in touch, but somewhere I was left behind I guess.  Whether it was just not having private messages returned or emails, I started feeling like maybe I was not wanted.  I tried to push this out as the depression talking.  It is a symptom I have I guess, my self-esteem is pretty much zero.  The thing is that now I get it.  I am not a part anymore.  I am just someone that is around sometimes.  Someone I guess that is tolerated and that is all.  I know this sounds petty and small, but I can't help it.  This and things in life outside of the cyber-world have just piled on.  So I have to assess where I am and just do what I always do.  Be alone and forever on the outside looking in.

Face The Truth I guess

I had come to a conclusion.  People only care when you are crazy.  Once you start to try and live better and not focus on all the dark thoughts and bad things around you you just are forgotten.  That is the way I feel right now.  I am hurt and I know I really have no right to be.  I have been worrying for a good while now about _______.  I tried being patient and cool about things and not get out of my head about it, although in my heart I knew what was probably happening.  I thought I did something good by just asking someone about it.  No reply.  I finally do something in the hopes of calming my fears and get an answer.  Thing is, it just puts me in a bad frame of mind.  

I now feel guilty about being upset I was left out of the loop, but I still feel hurt.  I just guess I have to accept I might still care, but they have moved on.  With that the group of contacts has as well.  Now it is just another bad set of thoughts in an already full head of bad thoughts.  Guess I really am just a friendless loser who never will amount to anything.