I'm Down

I am dragging myself down.  I get up and push through the fog to be the boy for a bit, then a crash comes.  I had an interesting thought today.  I think the next step the doc wants to take in the diabetes I will just decline.  I am getting to the point where I accept I will die a virgin and never have anyone special in my life.  I can just exist a bit and do what good I can and just live out my fate.  I give up I guess.  The thing is that this makes so much sense.  Just live out what the genetics have done.  I think this is for the best.  I am going to ponder this out some more.  Maybe I can get over some of the darkness knowing I can at least have an end in sight.  

I look around and see so much that just is a waste.  That is my life.  I have little money and make little money.  I spend money on people in my work.  I spend so much money on medicine and my insurance goes up ten more bucks.  I just don't know why I ever believed that there was someone from everyone.  There isn't.  Most people just find someone and get lucky.  There are people like me that never find love and it is suppose to shorten your life.  I can see that, you have so much inside that just destroys you.  I just wish I could not feel so down.  I just wish I could rest.  

I can't even cry.  I always have had a problem crying.  It hurts when you can't cry.  

I don't know.

Alexia