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My Dad has no idea what his little tantrums do to me. I try and balance living here with the way he blows up at stupid things or when I am off in the head. Today on top of growing dression we had a fight. It left me spiraling into thoughts of wanting to be dead. I took the Clonazepam this time. My mind is slow right now. I spent all day in the dark and in the bed. Just another pitiful day in my life.
I got messages from Star, she was sick, which is one of the things I figured. Figure some of the people I asked about her knew that and just decided not to tell me. So that feels good. I really am only struggling to move forward because of what it might do to the kids I work with, but really.....I just want to go to sleep.
During my laying down today, I wondered what it would mean about those that know Alexia. There is no one to let anyone know if I am gone. Figure most just would move on and not miss me. It is funny how I miss people, but I don't even know.
Last night when I turned the computer off I had the most terrible wave of sadness wash over me. I don't know why. It just was a sudden feelings of extreme sadness and maybe loss. The best way is to describe it as coming on like dizziness when you stand up too fast. It really is a new and strange development. Not a good one either.
I also wish I knew how to let go of someone. I am having a hard time not thinking about, well not My Star I guess, just Star. It should be easy. It has been months since I have gotten any communication from her. I should feel dismissed and just be able to push my feelings away, right? It seems that since I made the decision to give up there ever even being a friendship at all, my mind and heart are obsessed. I drive home from work and see the stars in the night sky and wonder how she is and how she would love to see the sky. I see a report about someone on the news that has the same affliction as her and wonder if she is doing OK.
Star is a person that makes decisions and when her mind is made up it is rock solid. I wish so much I could do that right now. For me it is constant questions of if I really meant anything to her. I thought I did. I figure that people from the Haven that know us from the time we met there are just tuning out and thinking how pitiful I am. I think back to when Star was in pain and hospitalized and I asked her if anyone was there for her? "You" was her reply. It broke my heart. I realize we fed each others darkness when we met and for months after, but for me there was times where the only time I felt cared about was when she communicated with me.
I know others send me messages and say I am remembered and I am not alone, but with her it felt just a bit different. She never realized I bet that just her silly messages of one sentences made me have hope in things outside of my control. It is like a hole is in my heart. I just miss her being in my life, even in a very small way.
Alexia
As I was rambling along chatting with a friend I stumbled upon a thought. I know many of us out here in cyberspace are suffering from depression. We are in a constant state of emotional highs and lows. I started wondering about when I play with myself during my depressed periods. Does that act become a form of self-medication?
I know from familial experience that a person that is bi-polar say will use alcohol or even other types of prescription drugs as a way to self-medicate. Could it not be the same with us? I know that getting lost in my female desires and rubbing my fingers in and out of my little hole with my tiny little clitty-cock pushed in gives me the orgasms I want and wish for.
Does the endorphins I release serve to bring me up from my depressed state to be able to face the real world? It is interesting. Makes you wonder.
Alexia
I feel abandoned. It has been over two months since I have heard from the woman I call my Star. All I have found out is that there was a new job, which was the last message I had from her. I guess the time I felt would come has arrived. I just guess I thought at least I would get a good-bye.
In 2008 I met the most wonderful woman ever. We both were screwed up and only existed on-line. but it was funny how slowly we became a part of each others lives. I understood the hesitation on her part and the way she held back. What she did share made me want to just take her in my arms and never let go. I didn't realize that I was falling in love really, I had never really been in love until then.
As I said, we were both screwed up and at the time I was accepting the truth about myself and my desires to be a female. Add the stress of very mean people in my real life that were just doing horrible things to me and I was a mess. As a result, I hurt her and I realize that the fact that after a time I was allowed back into her life was a blessing. Things though were never the same. I said I had fell in love and I meant it.
During our time together she faced a major medical crisis. One of her reply's during chat before she went into surgery broke my heart. I felt helpless. The woman that my heart now belonged to was hundred of miles away and might not even make it through surgery and I was now cut off and alone. I lay in my bed that night and I threatened God. I told God that he was cruel to allow me to meet her and then let this happen. I told God that if she died that was it, I would turn my back on him and what he had asked of my life. Her death would mean I was through doing any of the work asked of me. I cried myself to sleep.
I knew we could never be together. I was the wrong gender and nothing was ever going to change that fact. Yet, I had someone who I thought at least did care. Maybe that was just my side. I have always felt that maybe she was just humoring me. Maybe I was just being kept from harming myself if she just left back then. I believed some promises made, but I guess those were just my side as well.
I will never forget her. I will always love her. I will always say a prayer from her every night. For now I just hope she is well and that life treats her well.
The Broken Hearted
Last Monday I experienced a heavy dose of Depression with very dark thoughts. It was so bad that I scared myself. I did something I have never done when like this and it scared me very much. I had written a paragraph of a crazy rambling post and suddenly stopped and wrote what I did instead. I will try and write more later this week. Right now I am still really fluctuating in depression, but I am maintaining.
Thank you to all who reached out....I am sorry I scared any of you.
Alexia Rose
Those that believe in a higher power, please pray for me.
I really do not like Valentine's Day. It is not the fact that it is a made up Holiday to make money between Christmas and Easter, no, I do not like it because I am always alone on V-Day. It is a day that is a constant reminder of how lonely I am and just causes so much depression in my mind as I go on with life. I see all the mush romantic stuff and yearn for that myself. Here I am 40 and trapped as the wrong gender and I can only dream about Love. It hurts deeply.
If you have someone special in your life, PLEASE, do not take them for granted. Tell them you love them. Show them what they mean to you. Some of us would love to have that in our lives.
Alexia Rose
