I am in a bit of a Mood

Just longing for something that can never be.....I do still Love you, My Star.

 

Me, Myself, and who am I?

Busting Loose Would Be Awesome To Do

Hey There Peeps,

I have been busy with my responsibilities and with my health management.  A plus on the health side is new med is suppose to cause weight loss, that would be great.  I am just twirling a bit of self wondering around in my head.  I am just thinking of a need to be good and post.  I also have some feelings to express and maybe it can help someone out there.  Before that I do want to express the appreciation for those that leave kind and loving remarks on this site.  I don't always say it, but I am always touch to the point of tears when I read that one of you reached out to offer me love.  It helps, it does.  Some days it makes me feel so selfish.  I wonder if I post seeking that attention.  I hope not.  I try and be as genuine as possible under the circumstances.  I wish I could hug you all.  Some days the comments help keep me on the better side of my depression.

Depression is not all about my desire to be a female.  Some are missing my Mom, some are loneliness, some of the feelings deal with my feeling stuck in life.  I know I will struggle with these feelings as long as I live.  It does help that people that see the me I am when I can be truer to myself comment.

I have come to the conclusion I am bisexual.  I have pondered something for a great deal of time.  I realize that I am looking for love, acceptance, and affection in a person.  The gender is irrelevant at this point I think.  The only factor that would slow up a relationship in any form is my work situation.  I know in my heart though that I would give myself to a female, male, or any wonderful mixture between the two.  I wish sometimes I could be the woman I wish for two male friends that share all our desires.  I also wish that I could be the girl that My Star deserves in her life.  There is my friend in the middle of the continent that even though they are my best girlfriend, I would love to love them so they know they are worthy to know love.

At this age of my life, I am realizing that we place too much in the way of being happy.  God made two of every animal.  God made Adam a partner because it was decided by the supreme one that Adam should not live alone.  I think we sometimes forget that fact.  Yes, male and female came about, there had to be so the species are able to continue as a living group that extends to the future.  But we are not meant to be alone.

My kinky and sexual nature is something I can see others dissecting.  Some say this is all a fetish.  I guess my living the life of my female self online can be a bit fetish, but really it is the following.  I want to be hypnotized.  I want to be submissive to a caring owner.  I would love to be a dog.  Yes, a full girl doggie and be loved and showing love that doggies give there owners.  I want sex.  I have none now except the self gratification I get.  I want to be connected like that with someone.  I want to be a stripper too.  That is the sexual fetish.

I am a girl inside.  I know this by how I respond to life.  Things expected of me because of the skin I live in has been hurtful.  I have had a hard time with tears, until i accepted my inner self.  Now I have a hard time controlling my emotions.  My temper and passion have always been extreme and I think it was my stupid bottling up emotions to be a better boy.  It made this girl unhealthy.  

OK, I have rambled a bunch.  I better get to bed.  I just wish we all could live as we should be.  I hope I dream of finding the M.A.U. again and becoming a variation of the person I want to be like and have the powers to heal and transform others.  I would love to enable others to be OK.

Alexia Rose Alexander

Not sure what to write.....

I have really just not been filled with much to write.  I have received bad news last week about the diabetes and spent some time in a depressed state.  When not just sleeping I worked and was horny a great deal of the time.  I have just really played with my clit and dreamed about Master using his big cock in various ways in me.  I think of how I can give him a better blowjob.  I imagine him taking me is so many different ways.  I dream of having the body I desire and just stay horny.

I would have made such a good sex worker if I had been born true in body.  I am so horny all the time and would love to service men and women.  It would be nice to give pleasure to so many people.  *sigh* I wish sometimes I could just be that girl.  

Alexia

Submission

I asked someone a few months ago to become my Master.  He is someone that I have been drawn to since I met him.  I needed to become what I had dreamed about being for so long, a completely devoted sex pet.  He agreeded and I have given my self over in cyber-space to him.  he is probably upset with me because the physical body had to go to rest the other night, but I will accept that punishment.  He has filled a void in me.  I can just please him and let him use me.  No being the one in charge, just the bliss of serving my Master.  His cock is so wonderful when he fucks my mouth.  I love sucking on my Master's yummy cock.  He loves stretching my pussy and filling me with his seed.  I am his and it is so good.  I wish I could share this joy with you Jillisa.  We could be so good for Master.  I just know in my mind and heart that my Master loves me and it is wonderful.

My Master's Pet

cock

I want to suck a cock, right now.  It is all I can think about.  I also want many other things, but the thing I have at the front of my thoughts is taking my lips and wrapping them around a nice hard cock and just sucking until my belly is full of cum.

Alexia

So Much in my Head

It has been a bit since I posted.  I am not out of things to write, but have too much on my mind somehow.  I have such horny and wicked fantasies that have been in my mind.  One that just was hot and wonderful at the same time.  I have wondered whether to share what happened as I daydreamed this one to a conclusion of sorts.  I began seeing myself as the similar Justine Joli looking woman.  I was not fully female, but a transsexual version of where I dream of being.  I am at a resort and walk to the pool.  I am in a white bikini and very self conscious because I hope no one can tell I am carrying extra in my bikini bottoms.  After enjoying the sun and fresh air for a bit I see this couple walking towards me.  He is a tall and very athletic looking black man with just dark trunks on.  Bald with the chest of a statue.  His companion is a very gorgeous and tall woman, white with dark straight black hair.  She has a nice sundress that flows over her sexy body like water.  They walk up to me and he looks at me in a way that gets my tummy fluttering and the rest of me tingling in all the right places.  She leans down and whispers, "We know sister."  He takes my hand and I am lead to their room.

Now in real life I am getting so turned on.  My hand has slipped to my boy clit which is not getting hard, it is staying withdrawn and inside the little hole that I have down there to rub.  I am really getting turned on and just revel in the feelings.

When they get my to their room he strips me and I can smell his body.  I am dizzy and wanting to do whatever he wants.  I don't even think about the fact that my body is not fully female.  He drops the trunks and I see his massive erection.  I bend over at the waist and begin sucking that cock, savoring the taste.  I am in heaven as I feel something being smeared on my asshole.  Soon I feel a cock slide in me.  My mind doesn't even really register that it is her behind me.  It is not a strap on that is fucking me.  I am being overwhelmed.  He guides us to the bed and before I realize what or how, his cock is sliding into the small tight hole where my boy clit is.  Somehow he fits and is fucking me like a real woman.  I feel his shaft against my boy clit and her cock inside my ass.  I am just panting and whimpering at the movement.....

I climax and from around my fingers my cum seeps out.  I am breathing hard and I realize I never had an erection.  I was overcome with emotion.  Between the orgasm and the knowing I had kinda been like a girl at that moment I was just overwhelmed.

Then a sadness came.  It was just in my mind.  No couple that would make me theirs.  No intimacy.  I was alone in my life again.

Alexia

Babbling

My thoughts have been of becoming a transsexual and living my life as a girl but having not transitioned.  I guess listening to Bailey Jay Radio has just allowed me to realize just how much that would mean if I were able to do that much.  I know it is not something I can do....at least where I am right now.  I like the work I do and am at peace there, but I am in a profession where I would be treated as a monster and a harm to those I work with which would just kill me.  It hurts though to realize that so much of me is what the world at large would see as abnormal.  

I do know as Bailey talked about wanting to suck cocks is something I want.  I just have the added desire to lick some real pussies as well.  It would be nice to be able to let my natural personality traits become stronger and female.  I would love to be dressed up and treated as a lady and have my companion hold my hand and us eat a nice dinner and enjoy some entertainment before going home and my total devotion to them being displayed.  I have a feeling right now of wanting to cry.  I want to know what this is like.  To be intimate on these levels.  I feel so trapped sometimes because I have to live up to a male standard that stinks.  I think that one thing wonderful about women is how they can be strong and be vulnerable as well.  I know this is being said in an idealized fashion.  The laws and equality is a long way from where they should be for women.  I just wish I could be released from this prison of a body.

I am sorry.  When I began I did not mean to delve into a pity post.  I feel that is all I write anymore.  Many of you know what I feel and I hate causing you to think about those thoughts.  Sometimes I wish the hypnosis files I had just took me somewhere in my fantasies where I was living as who I see inside.  I could buy pretty underwear and have an easier time shaving.  Maybe I could do better with weight issues.  Depression eating sucks.  I am so moody right now.  Sorry.

I wish I had someone to play with me tonight.  I need to just escape.

Alexia