Me, Myself, and who am I?

Busting Loose Would Be Awesome To Do

Hey There Peeps,

I have been busy with my responsibilities and with my health management.  A plus on the health side is new med is suppose to cause weight loss, that would be great.  I am just twirling a bit of self wondering around in my head.  I am just thinking of a need to be good and post.  I also have some feelings to express and maybe it can help someone out there.  Before that I do want to express the appreciation for those that leave kind and loving remarks on this site.  I don't always say it, but I am always touch to the point of tears when I read that one of you reached out to offer me love.  It helps, it does.  Some days it makes me feel so selfish.  I wonder if I post seeking that attention.  I hope not.  I try and be as genuine as possible under the circumstances.  I wish I could hug you all.  Some days the comments help keep me on the better side of my depression.

Depression is not all about my desire to be a female.  Some are missing my Mom, some are loneliness, some of the feelings deal with my feeling stuck in life.  I know I will struggle with these feelings as long as I live.  It does help that people that see the me I am when I can be truer to myself comment.

I have come to the conclusion I am bisexual.  I have pondered something for a great deal of time.  I realize that I am looking for love, acceptance, and affection in a person.  The gender is irrelevant at this point I think.  The only factor that would slow up a relationship in any form is my work situation.  I know in my heart though that I would give myself to a female, male, or any wonderful mixture between the two.  I wish sometimes I could be the woman I wish for two male friends that share all our desires.  I also wish that I could be the girl that My Star deserves in her life.  There is my friend in the middle of the continent that even though they are my best girlfriend, I would love to love them so they know they are worthy to know love.

At this age of my life, I am realizing that we place too much in the way of being happy.  God made two of every animal.  God made Adam a partner because it was decided by the supreme one that Adam should not live alone.  I think we sometimes forget that fact.  Yes, male and female came about, there had to be so the species are able to continue as a living group that extends to the future.  But we are not meant to be alone.

My kinky and sexual nature is something I can see others dissecting.  Some say this is all a fetish.  I guess my living the life of my female self online can be a bit fetish, but really it is the following.  I want to be hypnotized.  I want to be submissive to a caring owner.  I would love to be a dog.  Yes, a full girl doggie and be loved and showing love that doggies give there owners.  I want sex.  I have none now except the self gratification I get.  I want to be connected like that with someone.  I want to be a stripper too.  That is the sexual fetish.

I am a girl inside.  I know this by how I respond to life.  Things expected of me because of the skin I live in has been hurtful.  I have had a hard time with tears, until i accepted my inner self.  Now I have a hard time controlling my emotions.  My temper and passion have always been extreme and I think it was my stupid bottling up emotions to be a better boy.  It made this girl unhealthy.  

OK, I have rambled a bunch.  I better get to bed.  I just wish we all could live as we should be.  I hope I dream of finding the M.A.U. again and becoming a variation of the person I want to be like and have the powers to heal and transform others.  I would love to enable others to be OK.

Alexia Rose Alexander