So Much in my Head

It has been a bit since I posted.  I am not out of things to write, but have too much on my mind somehow.  I have such horny and wicked fantasies that have been in my mind.  One that just was hot and wonderful at the same time.  I have wondered whether to share what happened as I daydreamed this one to a conclusion of sorts.  I began seeing myself as the similar Justine Joli looking woman.  I was not fully female, but a transsexual version of where I dream of being.  I am at a resort and walk to the pool.  I am in a white bikini and very self conscious because I hope no one can tell I am carrying extra in my bikini bottoms.  After enjoying the sun and fresh air for a bit I see this couple walking towards me.  He is a tall and very athletic looking black man with just dark trunks on.  Bald with the chest of a statue.  His companion is a very gorgeous and tall woman, white with dark straight black hair.  She has a nice sundress that flows over her sexy body like water.  They walk up to me and he looks at me in a way that gets my tummy fluttering and the rest of me tingling in all the right places.  She leans down and whispers, "We know sister."  He takes my hand and I am lead to their room.

Now in real life I am getting so turned on.  My hand has slipped to my boy clit which is not getting hard, it is staying withdrawn and inside the little hole that I have down there to rub.  I am really getting turned on and just revel in the feelings.

When they get my to their room he strips me and I can smell his body.  I am dizzy and wanting to do whatever he wants.  I don't even think about the fact that my body is not fully female.  He drops the trunks and I see his massive erection.  I bend over at the waist and begin sucking that cock, savoring the taste.  I am in heaven as I feel something being smeared on my asshole.  Soon I feel a cock slide in me.  My mind doesn't even really register that it is her behind me.  It is not a strap on that is fucking me.  I am being overwhelmed.  He guides us to the bed and before I realize what or how, his cock is sliding into the small tight hole where my boy clit is.  Somehow he fits and is fucking me like a real woman.  I feel his shaft against my boy clit and her cock inside my ass.  I am just panting and whimpering at the movement.....

I climax and from around my fingers my cum seeps out.  I am breathing hard and I realize I never had an erection.  I was overcome with emotion.  Between the orgasm and the knowing I had kinda been like a girl at that moment I was just overwhelmed.

Then a sadness came.  It was just in my mind.  No couple that would make me theirs.  No intimacy.  I was alone in my life again.

Alexia

Babbling

My thoughts have been of becoming a transsexual and living my life as a girl but having not transitioned.  I guess listening to Bailey Jay Radio has just allowed me to realize just how much that would mean if I were able to do that much.  I know it is not something I can do....at least where I am right now.  I like the work I do and am at peace there, but I am in a profession where I would be treated as a monster and a harm to those I work with which would just kill me.  It hurts though to realize that so much of me is what the world at large would see as abnormal.  

I do know as Bailey talked about wanting to suck cocks is something I want.  I just have the added desire to lick some real pussies as well.  It would be nice to be able to let my natural personality traits become stronger and female.  I would love to be dressed up and treated as a lady and have my companion hold my hand and us eat a nice dinner and enjoy some entertainment before going home and my total devotion to them being displayed.  I have a feeling right now of wanting to cry.  I want to know what this is like.  To be intimate on these levels.  I feel so trapped sometimes because I have to live up to a male standard that stinks.  I think that one thing wonderful about women is how they can be strong and be vulnerable as well.  I know this is being said in an idealized fashion.  The laws and equality is a long way from where they should be for women.  I just wish I could be released from this prison of a body.

I am sorry.  When I began I did not mean to delve into a pity post.  I feel that is all I write anymore.  Many of you know what I feel and I hate causing you to think about those thoughts.  Sometimes I wish the hypnosis files I had just took me somewhere in my fantasies where I was living as who I see inside.  I could buy pretty underwear and have an easier time shaving.  Maybe I could do better with weight issues.  Depression eating sucks.  I am so moody right now.  Sorry.

I wish I had someone to play with me tonight.  I need to just escape.

Alexia

B J Radio

Bailey Jay Radio

 Not blow job sillies, Bailey Jay Radio.  She is so cute and I am so jealous of her.  She has a free iTunes podcast.  She is very passable and has the sweetest voice in the world.  Google her and see her with red hair and blond hair.  Here I put some cool pics of the adorable Bailey Jay.  The stuff she talks about is all over the place.  Her thoughts on stuff tickles me because she proves how smart she is by her snarky and very cool answers.  There is an Ask Bailey Jay segment.  It shows how weird some of the fans can be and how much some of us like me can obsess over cool gals like her.

I am here.

I am unsure how I am doing.  I did want to post.  It has been so long and I figure that maybe some people might be worried.  I do want to say that the comments do help.  Sometimes just reading the kind words helps push the darkness back a bit at times.  What I have been doing is reading Paranormal Romance.  I found an Anthology at Goodwill.  So I have been lost in fantasy at times.  I lay in the bed and sorta sleep.  I put the mask of normalcy on and do some work.  I imagine being my true self.  I feel so worthless sometimes it hurts.

As I said I am not sure how I feel or how I am doing.  I am just here at times.  Eating is a problem.  Sometimes I skip a meal and sometimes I just go into depression eating.  Living at home is bad because the parental unit always seems to have something that ends up being eaten by me.  It is easier living alone and not having anything that can be eaten quickly.

A friend from the Haven has taken to being something I desperately crave, my owner.  At times I am just a pet and at times they make me feel loved.  It is hard to explain how much it helps when I am able to let go and just be submissive.  I just wanted to check in.

Alexia Rose

Existing

I am trying to keep moving forward.  I am irritable and very moody.  That makes me wonder if the generic depression medicine is working.  I only take a half tablet a day, wonder if a whole might help?  I give in to sleep when I can.  I think less about the bad thoughts.  It limits my productivity.  I am having trouble being patient with the parental unit.  They are irritable and take it out on me which sets me off and it begins a spiral for me they do not understand.  The only good thing is not having a job that is bearing down on me.  I am just kind of existing I guess.  I am depressed most of the time.  I put on the "happy" mask and go outside and play the part of OK person.  It just tires me out feeling and being like this.  I need to go.  Tomorrow is on of the days I have to muster energy and be out in the world a bit. 


Alexia Rose

Parts of the whole

Sometimes I feel so fractured in mind and spirit.  I endure a constant battle inside me that I am so tired of fighting.  I am parts of a whole and each one seems to want control.  The worst is the part that is this darkness.  It whispers in my ear how worthless I am and that I am a waste of space.  Being alone in life makes these words seem real and they hurt.  Then life around me has things that confirm and support the Dark Part.  I wonder what would have happened if the giving part of me had never become relevant.  Without the small times where some kindness I did was acknowledged and given form through words and deeds by those around me.  Without these small lifelines to my almost non-existent self-esteem, where would I be.  I know the darkness wanted me to be mean and hateful to others.  I would have been good at it.  The years of being picked on or treated like dirt by others can fuel some powerful negative energy.  What if I had not made that decision in high school to use the art of manipulation I seemed to have had for positive results and not negative?  I probably would be rich and have conned many people, destroying others along the way.  I see how those that advance fast have done so on the backs of those around them.  Manipulation is not hard.  It is a powerful tool when used just right.  Yet here I sit, alone and secure that I have tried to live a life where I would be good to others.  Even when evil was done to me I fought against totally giving in and becoming like those out to destroy me.  I can't say I did everything right, but I tried.  Now I just see that when you try and be good you get this, a life if being apart.  The parts of who I am are tired.  Tired of struggling.  Tired of never being the one held while things fall apart.  Tired of being me.  

Alexia

I'm Down

I am dragging myself down.  I get up and push through the fog to be the boy for a bit, then a crash comes.  I had an interesting thought today.  I think the next step the doc wants to take in the diabetes I will just decline.  I am getting to the point where I accept I will die a virgin and never have anyone special in my life.  I can just exist a bit and do what good I can and just live out my fate.  I give up I guess.  The thing is that this makes so much sense.  Just live out what the genetics have done.  I think this is for the best.  I am going to ponder this out some more.  Maybe I can get over some of the darkness knowing I can at least have an end in sight.  

I look around and see so much that just is a waste.  That is my life.  I have little money and make little money.  I spend money on people in my work.  I spend so much money on medicine and my insurance goes up ten more bucks.  I just don't know why I ever believed that there was someone from everyone.  There isn't.  Most people just find someone and get lucky.  There are people like me that never find love and it is suppose to shorten your life.  I can see that, you have so much inside that just destroys you.  I just wish I could not feel so down.  I just wish I could rest.  

I can't even cry.  I always have had a problem crying.  It hurts when you can't cry.  

I don't know.

Alexia