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I over did it last week. My work really did have a hot time and it was rewarding, but my body wore out I think. Sometimes in my profession eating takes a backseat and unhealthy turn. I think my sugar ran up three major times. I also was trying to take care of my garden and pick blackberries in this terrible heat. Add a family event and travel that was me driving a great deal and my body is sore. Why can't it ever be because I was making love for three days that I am this sore? *sigh*
I also had some depression problems and am dealing with that irrational mindset as well. I hate feeling depressed. I wish I could make it go away. When it happens my innate loneliness comes out more as well I think. I seem to have probably upset some people that follow the Blog. I am sorry for that, I sometimes forget that people do care for me in some ways.
I think sometimes part of me wants to be loved so much that I just can't handle it. I walk through a store and see I pretty girl and after the thoughts of how attractive she is I seem to run through all the reasons I would not be considered attractive to her. Then I wonder what it would be like if I were the girl outside I feel like inside. I just feel so unloved sometimes. I just want to be held and have someone whisper that they love me in my ear.
I also have been missing Bren a bunch. I don't get to chat with her and emails are just fleeting. I still care a great deal for her and just miss being in contact. I know I really act dumb when I talk to her because I am just scared i will say something that will make her not like me. I can't say more, I might say something that is private and that would be wrong.
I do just look at the future and see a time when I am just alone. It is where this idea of dying alone comes from. I have never been kissed in real life. Never had intimacy of any kind with someone. It hurts to feel that way. It hurts to think I will never know love like that in any way. So as my body aches and my sugar and blood pressure work to return to normal, I stick to a sense of duty to do my job and to live life. A life where I am in the wrong body, but really can do nothing about it. A life where maybe at least one day I will be in a place where I can help those with the insides like me that are transitioning and I can have the courage to stand up for them even though my profession is full of the bigots and hypocrites that would seek to harm my peers.
Alexia
Today I feel like crap in so many ways. I am in the busy days of summer. My job is one where expectations for summer has me trying to do things to ensure the ones I serve have opportunities to enjoy and grow as their journey progresses. I had my fun vacation and weathered the depressive impulses that come with losing my Mom. I still ache after almost a decade without her. I thought I had made it past all the milestones that mark those remembrances, but I am struggling with depression. I feel it, at the edges of my being. Tendrils of darkness that lick and thrust at me.
It has me in that constant attack feeling that makes me feel exhausted and irritable. It is now that I can't deal with my Dad. I know intellectually he is not doing things on purpose, but he just constantly brings up feelings of my own worthlessness. I am walking in moments where I am being praised, yet inside I feel so worthless. I know he thinks my job is not work. This disrespect hurts and there is no way to bring it up without him turning it into an attack on him and pushing the buttons that strike my temper to a point that makes me the bad person.
I am sorry, I just can't deal right now. I want to just get in bed and sleep the day away, but I have things to do for my job. People depending on my getting things done. Things that involve busy work and head work. I am dragging and yet, if someone was asked, they would say I am a good worker for my job, except the person I live with.
It is days like today I wish I could just melt away into a female form that is owned by someone. My mind wiped blank and just thoughts of love for my owner and total obedience to them. My body and mind devoted to pleasing them. Feeling safe and loved the only thoughts in my pretty head. I long to not be the one everyone looks to all the time for everything, just being with someone. I am still lonely I guess. Days like today make me feel like I am drowning in loneliness. I wish I had someone to just be able to lean on. I wish I had that person to be at ease with, the one who loves me in spite of my shortcomings.
I miss the person that I always knew loved me no matter what. She helped me at least deal with the fact I will never be with anyone and that I will die alone.
*sigh* I need to get to work on stuff.
Alexia
This was from realfield and placed in my Trading Folder at Rachel's Haven.
Alexia
I have been thinking about this some of late and wanted to write a response before doing any new posts. Before that I want to mention that the anniversary of losing someone very close to me went by better because I was on a trip with a couple of friends and that made a huge difference. Now to ramble about myself some. I am realizing that I am "Alexia" for a big part of who I am. I have recognized that the qualities that are strongest are shared and that the guy is not present without the gal. In reality I think I am best described as being in the wrong form for where my innermost being resides.
I have read and skimmed different reasons attributed to why some of us feel this way. I believe I fall into a category that is related to the levels of hormones during some part of my development. To have this as a fact I would have to undergo medical tests that would be done upon request and expensive. Not only would I be publicly stating I am transgendered, I can't afford it right now. I do have a very underdeveloped penis and it fits with this type of development that has crossed wires when the body develops. Somewhere along the way my mind and body lost track of each other.
So far I am not a person that leers at guys while out, but I can appreciate the handsome guys or well defined bodies. Still, the female form attracts me the most. I do wonder, if some guy treated me with love, would I reciprocate? I am not sure. In cyberspace, where I can fully be myself, I would say I am bisexual. I have been daydreaming of blowjob giving and having my vagina pounded by a trusted man. See I know that I am kinda in love with the guy I call Sweet Boy. We are OK with it because I know there can never be anything, but he is someone I trust with my life. If I had my preferred form I would be begging him to accept me as his submissive pet.
There is a woman that I still have deep feelings for. She was and is my first ever love. Had nature and our own problems been different I wonder if we could be together and happy right now. She saved my life while her own health and life was not well. I would give my life for her. I also know that we will never be together. I am at peace with this I guess.
Now there is another like me online in the world of the Net. She is very much like me in so many ways. I know I have fallen for her, but again, our own transgendered natures keep it forever impossible. I wish though at times I could wrap my arms around her for real and let her know she is loved. She is misunderstood by many I think. Like me, she has so many walls and defenses that stand between us and the world.
I can say I wish I could be a parent. I want to have kids. You noticed I said parent. I am not sure whether I am a father or mother. I just want to be able to love someone and help them be the best they can be. I am not answering this am I?
I do have a growing need to remove body hair. I like the feel of my skin in the shower without the irritating hair. I do wear panties when I feel safe or am not doing activities where it might become uncomfortable. I want my own dildo to practice sucking cock and fantasize about doing that activity. I am dualistic in so many ways, but I think it is because I had a good environment to grow up in. I was able to express myself in creative ways so my own feelings stayed suppressed for a great many years. I always had dreams and fantasies of being changed into a woman. My first sexual fantasy was to imagine being turned into a statue and then kidnapped. Two women would resculpt my body and I would be a gorgeous woman when brought back to flesh and blood.
Did this make any sense?
Alexia
I know I kinda dropped off the Earth for a bit. I am in a weird place. I am working steady, if only part-time. I am happy in work which is good. I am trying to be in the real world more. I am in the period where depression creeps over me and saps my well being. I am horny all the time and just want to relieve the constant desire. I am also struggling to feel like myself, my true self. So I am a mess.
I have a constant desire to suck cock. Not sure why it is so overwhelming all of a sudden, but I just want to wrap my lips around a big thick cock and suck until my mouth is full of cum. It really has invaded all my fantasies right now. My clit is throbbing right now just thinking about it.
Depression sucks. It attacks silently and even without the active knowledge that it is upon you. I wonder why I seem to have a need to masturbate more when depression attacks. I guess that is better than the eating part of depression. I have that upon me as well. So I just wanted to apologize for being absent. I hope to get better soon. The big depressive anniversary is coming up and usually things get better afterwards.
Alexia
The awesome Bren made this for me some time ago. She has done a series of Cheerleader Poetry at Rachel's Haven that can be found in her Gallery section.
Enjoy!
Alexia
Alexia:
I'm usually very buzy with a baseball blog from Feb. thru Nov., and haven't been on any blogs very much.
You said you had female thought patterns in a post awhile back. I have the duality too, which is my main interest in trans blogs. For me it's a clean cut, and not an either or. In relationships, mating, dancing, clothing and language, I'm 90-95% like a woman. It's the same for the male things, like shopping, sports, mathematics and career. Those areas are 90-95% like a man.
I'd like to know how your thinking works, if it would be okay with you.
Thnx,
Tal