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I would cry if the tears would come. I am here as two persons and at the same time no one at all. I lived so long as the boi without acknowledging the girl me except through sexual feelings and masturbatory fantasies. Now I know she is me, the core of me. The thing is the boi is me too right? He has to live in the world and face all the hardships of living. He is 40 and looks at a life of service to others where he has taken little pay for great amounts of work and sometimes abuse. He has nothing that the world would consider showing anything for it. The lives of kids he has been their for count for something, but in the end you can't live on that type of payment. So he is lonely and seeing a bleak future.
Then there is me. I am wanting the same as he, love, affection, and sex. Intimacy is a craving that I want. Yet, I am just alive in this cyber-space prison. Never able to seek comfort as the woman I am. Knowing I am forever denied being the person I should be. I can't live in the world the boi does. We would be destroyed. A lifetime of helping and caring for kids would be disgraced by lies and prejudices. I know that makes me a coward. I am just a shadow hiding from who I am and afraid to become fully in the life of poverty and despair. That hurts as well.
It all equals to my dreams of just fading away. Just letting my body, mind and soul drift into nothingness. That would be better than existing in a lonely place of no love, no touch, no hope. Thing is I am a coward when it comes to anything like that as well. My sense of caring for others stops me from seeking a final end. Besides, it would not be like I fantasize, just melting away. So I linger. The boi who is not loved and the girl who is not loved. Nothing of the most terrible type.
Alexia Rose
I haven't written because I really just had nothing but the same to say. I am depressed alot and when not working I sleep or just try and sleep. I dream and think of being just a simple sex toy and wish so much I could let my mind just drain of all thoughts that would not be that simple. One thing that is at least stable is my ability to masturbate. If I was not able to do that I don't know if I could survive. It is the only sexual release I have and I think it will be the only one I ever will have. I am just a lonely depressed gal that is trapped by so many factors. I look through the boi's eyes and see a profession I am moderately good at, but if people knew I was tg I would lose everything in terms of the little money I have. That is the other thing, money. I am just tired of being unable to be a normal person in terms of having cash. The parental unit keeps me above poverty, but it should not be that way. I hate it and just see even the small ways I try and make extra cash disappearing.
All I really want is to be similar to the pic of my avee gal. I want cool red hair and a neat smooth pussy that is used to give pleasure to my Master or Mistress. I realize I am attracted to both. The more I accept that I am female at least in thought and feelings I can admit that I find both genders arousing. In many ways I think pre-op transgender women are the most sexy. I dream a great deal of having my mouth around a thick cock while looking up at gorgeous breast. I am just a horny slut I guess. Why can't there be real magic that would transform me into the girl I want to be?
Alexia
If you notice I am no longer smoking in my avatar picture. It is all thanks to an email from Julia. Check the post that announced my not being around to see her comment that accompanied the email with this image when I returned. It was a great surprise after a good week away.
Sadly, I got a cold from my travels. I stayed away from the computer a bit. Been so horny though. I know that I am a bit of a nympho. Really be nice to let that part of me just run wild.
Alexia
I will be on a work trip for about a week. So that is why I will be absent from posting. The Boi will have to be very dominate. Wish I weren't smoking in this avee pic.
Alexia
Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy. The Boi has had a very bad week. Kidney Stones have wracked his existence and then work gave him a jolt. He was crying in his mind for our submissive Pet personality to take over. Am I becoming disjointed from all reality or am I just dealing with reality in an unusual way? The Boi was depressing and stressing a bit and it seeped into my being. It is not good when you start visualizing your demise. Just worn down by life I guess. Wish I was entranced and living something else right now.
I really am dumb when it comes to Love. I thought that little crushes were love as I went through high school and college. It wasn't until 2008 that I really for the first time fell in love. Many would say I was just obsessed and that it couldn't be love. I have only seen her once in a picture she threw me as a lifeline during my descent into madness. She was someone who made me feel like no other ever had.
I know that she really couldn't love me like I did her. I don't have the body that could allow that from her. Yet, I know she cares on some level for me. It just is in a way where my heart gets constantly broken. I take the blame for that because it is my not being able to just let go of what my heart feels that causes my pain. Expectations that are not reasonable form and I feel hurt. The last time was added too by the feeling that common acquaintances mislead me and the when I found out that she was once again very sick, I was angry at those that I felt had not told me. It also was very hard not to feel hurt towards her, even though she could not do anything.
Everyone tells me to get out and find someone. If it were that easy i would have someone. Now I am just in a place where I don't ever see anyone ever falling in love with me. The real world also holds a barrier as I have the hidden self that yearns to be free and allowed to live as a woman. It is an impossible dream in so many ways. I just have so much that feels wrong and I can never see a future where i am loved in any way except in my role as a person who is there for others. There is an imbalance in my heart.
I apologize for the crazy talk and the depressing posts. I guess I am feeling the need to just speak out these feelings and just try and give life to myself. If I ever do win the lottery..........
Alexia
I am so selfish. I crave affection. I crave intimacy. I crave being noticed I guess. I know distance grows and I am in an isolation of my own making. I just wish I could live inside cyberspace. I wish I could become the object of those I wish desired me. I read the actual two volume graphic novel for "THE SURROGATES" and found myself wishing we had that technology. I would sacrifice this prison of flesh for a body that allows me to be seen as my true self.
I think it is true about those of us who are single having shorter lifespans. I feel less inclined to take care of my self. Why should I? There is no one that I come home to and feel safe with as their arms surround me. It is a feeling of despair that hovers around you all the time.
For a long time here on-line I tried to be a presence who cared for those that feel like me. I tried to be a person that gave affection. It just feels that I gave and somewhere along the way I gave out. I have nothing left. I am just a lonely, whiny, selfish girl.
Alexia
